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Love + Sex Love Advice

8 things I wish I knew before I had sex for the first time

A woman and man lying on a white mattress kissing with a white duvet over them.
[Image Description: A woman and man lying on a white mattress kissing with a white duvet over them.] Via We-Vibe WOW Tech on Unsplash

If you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking about or ready to have sex for the first time – and that’s amazing! You might be feeling nervous and anxious about your first time – first off, this is absolutely normal, you’re not alone in feeling like this.

There’s no right or wrong way when it comes to having sex for the first time, but I wanted to put this list together so you can feel comfortable and relaxed the best you can.

I’d like to state that I’m writing from the perspective of a straight woman having sex for the first time with a man – these points are more related to my experience as a straight woman.

Having said that, I do feel that these points can be applicable to everyone.

So here goes – grab a beverage, get cozy and get ready to learn the things I wished I knew before I had sex for the first time. Enjoy the ride 😉

1. Forget what TV and film taught you about your first time

It’s fair to say that TV and teen movies have given us some pretty unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex and the magical ‘first-time’. Sex is meant to look good on camera – you have steamy make-out sessions under dim lighting as the couple (usually a straight couple) simultaneously take each other’s clothes off and dive into penetrative sex quickly (um, foreplay anyone?) that they miraculously both have orgasms at the same time. I’ll let you in on a secret….this doesn’t happen in real life. 

Sex for the first time can feel nerve-wracking, awkward, and messy – and that’s completely normal! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun, but don’t use first-time sex scenes from TV and film as a model for how your first time should go.

2. Having sex doesn’t change you – virginity is a social construct!

You are the same person before and after you’ve had sex for the first time, you won’t ‘change’ as a person. We’re led to believe that sex will make us different and we’ll ‘lose our purity’ – remember, virginity is a social construct! As the School of Sexuality Education puts it, “the pressures, myths and expectations surrounding the traditional idea of ‘virginity’ are very much the product of norms and ideas created by us humans”.

Have sex when you’re ready, it’s no one else’s business what you’re doing with your vagina. 

3. Don’t worry about your appearance

It’s disheartening to say, but the Instagram selfie-obsessed world we live in has caused many of us to hold negative thoughts about our own self-image (I can attest to this), which can hamper us from having a fulfilling sex life. Focus on what you’re feeling rather than how you’re looking – if it helps, close your eyes, and enjoy the sensations and explore what feels good and pleasurable to you and your partner.

But believe me when I say this, you’ll look sexy in the eyes of your partner when you’re all hot and bothered!

4. Communicate with your partner – especially when it comes to contraception

Communication is a must when it comes to sex. As sex and intimacy expert, Gigi Engle, puts it, “In order to have good sex, you need to communicate your wants, needs, and desires to your partner.” This includes sharing any concerns or expectations you may have when it comes to sex, the contraception you want to use (the last thing you want to do is worry about STIs and pregnancy during sex!), if this is a casual or serious relationship, or if either of you are seeing other people.

Open up on what’s important to you!

5. Have lots and lots of foreplay to feel comfortable

Foreplay helps to lubricate the vagina, which can make sex more enjoyable – this includes making out, talking dirty, listening to some sexy tunes or podcasts, massaging, dry humping, oral sex…anything that arouses you and your partner. Don’t just consider foreplay as pre-sex activities, but make foreplay part of the whole sexual experience.

When it comes to having penetrative sex, feeling aroused and lubricated can help you feel relaxed, making vaginal intercourse feel more comfortable and less tense.

6. Take the pressure off having an orgasm and enjoy the whole ride

We all know orgasms feel good (I thank my showerhead for that), but climaxing during penile-vaginal sex can be difficult for women to reach, and this is relatively common if you have a vagina. In a 2018 study, 10 to 40% of women reported having difficulty or an inability to reach orgasm. 

There are other things you can enjoy about sex that takes the pressure off having an orgasm – the close intimacy you have with your partner, exploring each other’s body, enjoying the pleasurable experience, and connecting on a deeper level. 

As you become more comfortable with your partner, you can communicate with each other on how you can reach a climax, with clitoral stimulation for example (whatever you do, DON’T fake your orgasms), but use this time initially to enjoy the pleasurable experience.  

Here’s another way of putting it: An orgasm is the dinner mint at the end of a five-course meal. Pleasure is the whole damn meal — from breadbasket to entree to dinner mint.

7. You might bleed or you might not – and it’s got nothing to do with the ‘hymen’

I was expecting to bleed profusely when I had sex for the first time after I ‘broke my hymen’, and I was pretty surprised that I didn’t. After some research, I found that a vast majority of women don’t bleed the first time they have penetrative sex – some do and some don’t, either is normal. RFSU, a Swedish sex education charity that refrains from the term ‘hymen’ and prefers ‘vaginal corona’ – in order to dispel the myth that a woman’s vaginal opening is covered by a membrane that ruptures on penetration – said that of those that do bleed, few do so because the vaginal corona was tight, but there are other reasons why.

RFSU explains that “if you were not sexually aroused, but rather tense, nervous and too dry, minor ruptures may develop in the vaginal corona and may bleed.” 

8. Don’t ignore your clit!

I really mean it! The clitoris plays a huge part in the sexual arousal and enjoyment of women. The clitoral glans contains 6,000–8,000 sensory nerve endings, more than any other part of the human body (hallelujah!). This sensitivity explains why women enjoy clitoral stimulation – so, to enjoy sensual pleasure with your partner, make sure you both play with your clit!    

So there we have it! I hope you’ve learned something new today and it’s put you at ease when it comes to your first-time.

Do you still want more? I thought you’d never ask!

Check out these other articles from our team:

Five reasons why masturbating is good for women

Let’s dissect the misogynistic arrogance surrounding the clitoris

I found my femininity through masturbation

Here’s how to have sex with trans women

I feel like a feminist failure because I fake my orgasms

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Categories
Health Care The Vulvasation Love + Sex Love

Things that everyone with a vag should definitely know

[Image description: Women's legs in an empty bathtub.] Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash
[Image description: Women's legs in an empty bathtub.] Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Vulvasations is a Tempest Love exclusive series dedicated to spreading awareness about the female reproductive system, debunking myths about periods and dissecting everything vajayjay related. Let’s talk about vaginas!

I recently came across a series of paintings done by a brilliant artist named Jacqueline Secor. The pictures made me do a double take because what looked like floral textures at first, were in fact, vaginas. It was a series of work depicting floral renderings of female genitalia.

What was intriguing about these pictures wasn’t that they were female genitals painted in flowery patterns, but how different they looked from each other. It didn’t look like the same thing done in different styles. There was a noticeable difference between them.

image description: A series of nine artworks in a grid showing floral depictions of vulvas
[Image description: A series of nine artworks in a grid showing floral depictions of vulvas] via Jacquelinesecorart on Instagram
I previously believed that vaginas looked all the same. In hindsight, I’m surprised at my naivete.

Now, we already know women should explore themselves more, and I truly believe that. The statement that the vagina is the most talked about and least understood part of the body, doesn’t just apply to men.

In theory, you know what a vulva is, but would you be able to pick yours out of a line-up? If you can’t, then maybe you should work on that. Why don’t you grab a mirror and take a good look?

I’m not saying you should start researching vagina pictures (unless that helps you).

However, a first good step would be to remove the preconceived notion of what a vagina should look like, and instead, recognize how different each one can be.

Why is it important to appreciate and understand the variety in vaginas? Because the more you appreciate the beauty of your body, the less likely you are of looking for that validation from someone else. Self-love and acceptance are incredibly empowering.

The failure to recognize, embrace and love yourself the right way, can have greater consequences than just misrepresentation and unawareness. It can lead to psychological distress and at times, even a severe condition known as body dysmorphia or Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder which causes individuals to obsess over an aspect of their appearance relentlessly, even if the perceived flaw is non-existent or insignificant. Falling for a media-based view of the perfect vulva can cause people to feel genital dysmorphia. They could find themselves making the desperate leap to cosmetic surgery, an industry which is more than happy to sell you the idea of perfection by going under the knife.

Plastic surgeons currently perform two kinds of corrective surgeries on genitals:

1. Vaginoplasty: A procedure to make your vagina tighter. It may also include the removal of some external skin for a more aesthetic appearance.

2. Labiaplasty: The surgical modification of the labia. The clitoral hood, the lips at the entrance of the vagina, and pubic lifts or reductions.

These surgeries can have serious side effects and might not treat the actual source of the problem: that there was nothing wrong with the appearance of your vagina in the first place, it was deeper rooted than that.

Plastic surgeons claim they’re going to make a patient’s genitalia “more appealing.” But to who? Are they trying to meet other people’s expectations, or is the media feeding you the idea of what a vagina should look like – without you even knowing?

If you need some realistic insight into this, please understand the porn industry is definitely NOT going to help you. Neither are pictures of genitals represented as neat little fruits and flowers.

image description: sliced fruit on purple silk
[Image description: sliced fruit on purple silk] via Charles on Unsplash
There are some amazing artists who have done alluring pieces of work similar to this that are worth looking up. There is also a captivating and thought-provoking documentary called 100 Vaginas.

The film is a very up close and personal look at vulvas and people with vulvas openly talking about them and their experiences. If you get a chance to watch this, do it, and understand that it will change you in some significant way by the end.

At least to a point where you won’t feel like you want to run and hide every time there’s a full-blown vulva on your screen.

image description: a woman is smiling while holding a camera between an open pair of legs
[image description: a woman is smiling while holding a camera between an open pair of legs] via IMDB
In the documentary, one woman said “It’s [the vulva’s] physical appearance and makeup is rarely discussed. And while we are taught endlessly about the blood, birth, and pain it will bring to us, its potential for pleasure is only ever really noted in relation to others. We live in a society that treats women entirely like a cock pocket.”

There are many diverse types of vulvas, and all of them are beautiful.

And if your V doesn’t look the way you thought she should, trust me, she’s still lovely, and you’re still a goddess.

If this is an explorative journey you have yet to take, I highly encourage you to try. It’s empowering, and you can never have too much of that.

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