single men – The Tempest

Not to toot my own horn, but I think I give excellent dating advice. However, if you were to ask me for my dating credentials, I would hand you a blank piece of paper.

For some, being serially single is not a choice. But for me, it’s a lifestyle.

I have been single for all of my adult life, and I thoroughly enjoy the independence and solitude—which I know freaks people out. While some single people date, I do not.

So how does this make me—and other serially single people—expert at giving dating advice?

Let me let you in on a few secrets of the trade.

The first secret is not actually a secret but a well-known fact: Almost all forms of content are about love.

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Even content that exists outside of traditional romance genres usually includes love and sex. For example, that action movie you just watched, was there a romantic arc in it?

Exactly.

Most movies, television shows, and books have provided blueprints for all kinds of relationships. A lot of these blueprints have helped me understand what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like.

I’ve also read more than a fair share of fanfiction. Honestly, when you asked for my dating credentials, I could have sent you the link to AO3 and, if you’ve ever read any fanfiction, you’d have immediately understood why this gives me so much credible dating insight.

Even being someone who grew up alongside the Internet has made many of us mini experts on random topics. Most of us didn’t necessarily seek this information out; it just appeared on our Tumblr, Twitter, or Instagram feeds.

Here’s the real secret: All relationships are the same.

Whether platonic or romantic, open or closed, monogamous or polyamorous, all relationships are made of the same ingredients. The dictionary definition of relationship describes the connection between people. And we all have experience with that. I may not date, but I do have lots of friends.

Some of my friendships have failed while others have thrived. This has helped me gain insight on communication, boundaries, and respect—insight that applies to both platonic and romantic relationships.

I’ve also watched most of my loved ones experience all kinds of different relationships. As you can imagine, being single gives those of us who are serially single plenty of free time to observe other people’s relationships—and, if you’re a Virgo like me, judge these relationships in order to perfect the advice we give to those who may (or may not) ask.

Just because your single friends haven’t dated anyone—casually, seriously, or at all—doesn’t mean we’re not familiar with the territory. All of our observations add to our dating advice credentials.

In fact, we’re kind of like therapists.

Because we’re removed from romantic situations, we have clarity uncolored by personal bias and experiences.

Most importantly, your serially single friends arguably have the most experience with prioritizing themselves and their needs. This makes us adept at keeping your best interests top of mind if you come to us for romantic advice.

We want you to be yourself and to love who you are. We will encourage you to take the time to learn more about your wants, needs, and goals before diving further into romance.

The best advice I can give as a serially single person is to try out being single. Being single has a lot of perks, the top of which is that it can give you the time, space, and energy to explore you who are.

I’m not saying everyone should be single. I’m just saying don’t knock it till you try it.

And, don’t worry. I promise I won’t say “I told you so” when you realize being single helped you become a better romantic partner.

Happy dating!

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I used to think women who fell in love were fake feminists – until I met my boyfriend

“If you get a boyfriend, you can no longer be my friend.”

That’s what I said to a friend of mine once, only half-jokingly. Exactly how long ago, I’ll never admit, but let’s just say I was a grown girl who called herself an ardent feminist by then. While this might come off as immature or even outright ridiculous to you, to me it seemed like a perfectly normal thing to say.

So many women are told that their relationship status with a man defines them.

That’s because the belief that a woman having a man in her life makes her somehow superior to other women was so firmly entrenched in my mind, I failed to see just how anti-feminist that statement was.

Ever since I was a self-conscious, timid girl in her early teens, I was told that having a boyfriend was the best thing that could happen to me.

Well, no one actually said that to me, but why else would girls with boyfriends act like they owned the world? Why did they boast about their first kisses and perfect dates while boyfriend-less girls sighed enviously?

As I grew up, I began to think that maybe the fact that I didn’t have a boyfriend meant that something was wrong with me. I was thirsty for male validation, and in the process, committed blunder after blunder in order to gain male attention, sometimes ignoring my self-worth while doing so.

I liked to think that I was being bold and fearless, and I was – but to what end? Why did I feel it was so important that I get “accepted” by a member of the opposite sex? Why did having to give love advice to my friends who had boyfriends make me bitter? Why did I long for the male gaze to finally rest on me approvingly, why did I ache for a boy’s loving touch?

As I write these words, I feel so angry at myself – I would sneer at a girl who shared those views today, but that girl was me, not very long ago. I thought Bella and Disney princesses who wait around for their savior princes were horrible, but what was I?

I was an intelligent, creative, and badass girl who felt like she wasn’t worth anything because the guy who she liked rejected her. I was a feminist with views that would put Donald Trump’s sexism to shame.

And I know I’m not the only one.

So many women subconsciously judge other women for being single – maybe she’s too cold, maybe she doesn’t try hard enough. So many women look past their achievements to their empty ring-fingers and feel like failures.

I thought Bella and Disney princesses who wait around for their savior princes were horrible, but what was I?

So many women are told that their relationship status with a man defines them.

Men aren’t incomplete without women. So why are women incomplete without men?