Love + Sex Love Life Stories Wellness

Here’s why you should lose your virginity to someone you don’t love

Losing your virginity doesn’t have to be a big deal. There! I said it!

Society and sex culture have hyped up losing your virginity to be like, OMG, MAYBE THE BIGGEST FUCKING THING YOU CAN DO IN YOUR LIFE.

And, while YES, it’s completely weird and something that requires ABSOLUTE consent, responsibility, and lots and lots of communication and knowledge about sex and diseases, the first time is kind of… MEH.

Honestly,  any type of sex, whether it’s your first time or last, should just be between two consenting people with mutual respect towards each other.  Not to ruin your lifelong dreams of reaching the face of God with your soulmate for the first time, but he’ll come around someday.

Why wait for a thousand years for him when he’s most likely not gonna be a virgin when he meets you?

Of course, I didn’t always think that way.

As a pre-teen, when I saw movies and books describing how you’re supposed to lose your virginity, YEAH, I dreamed along. I imagined the rose petals, candles, and Italian cashmere bedsheets. But I also pictured “the one” and how it would be someone who would grow old with me.

I thought we would gaze in other’s eyes and tell each other how much we love each other while we reached…well … climax.

But reality doesn’t work like that, because the guy who I THOUGHT WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE is now having his ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY WITH MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!

What I’m trying to say is, your first time will most likely be nasty, awkward, embarrassing… or all three. Life doesn’t follow our plans, especially not mine, so we need to have more realistic ideas for the partner who help us lose our virginity.

Now when I think about sex, I just want it to be a stranger or a platonic friend who respects me. That way, there are no feelings involved and NO PRESSURE. You won’t have to worry if they’ll dump you later, leaving you memories of how you lost the one thing you valued to them.

When I was with the “love of my life” and we were a happy high school couple, he tried to kiss me and  I rejected him. I regretted it SO FUCKING MUCH, until we broke up a month later.

Then, the shy 15-year-old me got a Hot or Not account and found someone my age near me.

The first time I met Noah, I kissed him cause I knew there wouldn’t be regrets. In my situation, even when he left, he was just a stranger. I also gave him my first blowjob, but that’s a story for another day!

Noah and I are pretty much each other’s first everything and also very close friends. Of course, we don’t do anything with each other if either of us in a relationship.

ANYWAYS, there is always a chance your significant other could cheat on you a week after your virginity.  Wouldn’t you then regret giving them your first?

And wouldn’t you WANT to ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT SEX FOR WHEN YOU MEET THE ONE? Because trust me, NO ONE is good during their first time.

Also, once you get the whole virginity thing over with, you can figure out what makes you feel good. More importantly, how to orgasm. Life is so fucking short and we can only get so many orgasms in, so get it going!

Obviously, I am not saying you should arbitrate personal views and beliefs. If it is your choice to wait until marriage, I think that’s awesome and inspiring. If it is your choice to never have sex, that’s also awesome and admirable.

What I am saying is, don’t cling to the belief that sex has to be with “the one.”

It just needs to happen from a position of mutual respect and the urge to have fun.

Politics The World

Andrew Puzder withdrew nomination for labor secretary

Fast-food executive Andrew Puzder has withdrawn as President Donald Trump’s decision for labor secretary due to the increasing opposition from Senates focused primarily on Puzder’s past employment of an undocumented housekeeper.

From the nomination in December 2016, Puzder faced strong opposition from democrats, unions, and liberal groups. The attacks mostly focused on his business record and his character. But the Republicans had also grown tired of the doubts facing Puzder. This eventually led to senior GOP officials notifying the White House Wednesday that Puzder lacked a viable path for approval.

In the following afternoon, Puzder released a statement saying, “After careful consideration and discussions with my family, I am withdrawing my nomination for Secretary of Labor”. So what happened in two months to have the nomination back out of the race?

There were many rumors about the candidate, along with records such as of those from his 1988 divorce. These records of divorce brought up again of past spousal abuse accusations made some Republican senators very uncomfortable. His ex-wife had dropped the accusations, but senators from both parties privately screened a videotape. This videotape showed Puzder’s wife as she laid out the charges in disguise.

Despite these acts, some people say that they would still vote for Puzder. An example would be Lamar Alexander, chairman of the HELP Committee, who speaks of how Puzder taking responsibility for the actions prove him to be a qualified and honorable member for the labor secretary position.

Alexander says, “I evaluate him and his whole life’s work, so I didn’t think that mistake should disqualify him from being a cabinet member.” The only mistake Alexander was talking about, however, was the case of the undocumented housekeeper. In the situation, Puzder admitted that he let her go as soon as he realized the housekeeper was undocumented.

President Trump is now looking for a new candidate and he was recently spotted around the eastern coast with some possibilities.

“If President Trump is remotely serious about standing up for workers, he will nominate someone for Labor Secretary that champions workers’ rights rather than suppresses them,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York.

Searching for a new candidate for the position would show to be too soon to come up with a short list. Also, the president likes making personal connections but acknowledged there are some names floating at the moment.

Authorities hinted that Peter Kirsanow has already been in their orbit. He is a Cleveland attorney and a former member of the National Labor Relations Board and current member of the U.S. Civil Rights Commission.

Kirsanow met President Trump at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey, in November.

Authorities would not fully confirm other names being publicly reported. When asked about rumors that Catherine Templeton and Joseph Guzman were among those being considered, an official would only tell NBC News, “You’re close.” If the new White House were a person, it would be someone with resting bitch face syndrome. That way, you never know anything about what they really think or know.

However, Templeton, former director of Labor, Licensing, and Regulation of South Carolina, visited Trump Tower in New York on Dec. 5. Guzman, assistant professor at Michigan State University’s School of Human Resources and Labor Relations, was seen at Trump Tower on Jan 3.

Looking at a wider scale, there is a question of the multiple resignations and withdrawing nominations in the last month. Puzder’s removal arrived only two days following the resignation of President Trump’s security adviser, Michael T. Flynn. In early February, Trump’s candidate for Army secretary Vincent Viola, the billionaire financier, also retired his name from consideration, stating he could not complicate his business relationships. And the U.S. secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, was approved only after Vice President Mike Pence called a tiebreaking vote.

What does this say for America? Is it to say that none of the nominations can stand for themselves? Is it to say that Pence and Trump are only hiring those who can follow them blindly?

Love Advice

Am I wrong to be attracted to guys of different races?


Gulnaz, known affectionately as Gulu, is The Tempest’s newest advice columnist. We get a lot of bang for our buck with her: in each response, Gulu pulls in the unique perspectives from her close friends, sisters and mother to give the feel of brunch with your best gals (and, occasionally, your mom). Here’s her first column.

Hey, Gulu,

I recently realized that my soulmate could be from anywhere, and I’ve started noticing guys of different backgrounds standing out — white guys, Japanese, Pakistani. I’m not totally sure, though, if I should pursue relationships this way. Am I wrong to be attracted to men based on their ethnicity?


Really, Really Hoping She’s Not Racist in Love


Hey, Not Racist!

I took this question to the people I go to with most of my own questions: my sisters Arshia, Sana, and Soha, as well as my mother. I’m going to preface this answer with an important disclaimer from a recent law school graduate (proud of you, Arsh!).

Arshia, 27, almost-lawyer: We wouldn’t be answering this question if it came from a white dude asking if his fetish for Asian women was okay.

Gulu, 29: That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to people of different races and ethnicities. I’m not personally convinced in such a thing as a soulmate, but it is possible to connect with someone with a different heritage than yourself — I’m married to a man of a different ethnicity and it’s never been an issue. That’s the simple answer.

You have a problem, though, if you’re attracted to men because of their race.

Arshia: It’s okay to think people from other ethnicities are hot, but that’s not a specific reason to date someone. So as long as you’re not exoticizing men of different ethnicities, it’s okay.

[bctt tweet=”You have a problem if you’re attracted to men because of their race.” username=”wearethetempest”]

Sana, 25, science nerd: I’m going to repeat an important point here, and this one is for the dude with a thing for Asian women who is angrily reading this: race or ethnicity is not a specific reason to date someone. Likewise, race or ethnicity is not a specific reason not to date someone. You cannot be attracted to “Mexican men” or not be attracted to “Mexican men.” That would be racist, and, like racism always is, inaccurate. Mexican men look all sorts of ways and Mexican men behave all sorts of ways.

Gulu: So you’re scoping out your options, and let’s say a white, blonde, blue-eyed man stands out to you. It’s okay that you find these features attractive, you just have to remember that, 1) we live in a society where we’re often conditioned to like these specific features at the expense of others, 2) that these features indicate nothing about this guy’s personality or relationship potential, and 3) you’re not attracted to him because he’s white, but rather because these often-occurring-in-people-who-appear-white features are put together quite nicely on this specific man.

Sana: You’re fine as long as you’re open to whomever, rather than ‘oh, I’ll only date white guys’ or something.

Gulu: Now, for An Aunty Opinion on this, roughly translated from Hindi:

Mom: Generally, I agree with — there’s nothing wrong with getting to know (Gulu: not dating, because obviously) or marrying someone of any background, so long as you have shared values. But, if your parents are uncomfortable with you marrying outside of your own ethnicity, you don’t want to do anything that makes them upset.

Gulu: So I don’t really agree, because your parents aren’t the ones marrying this person. But I’m guess I also get where that sentiment comes from. We do have to acknowledge that from many parents’ experiences as immigrants or who are otherwise marginalized, it’s difficult sometimes to see your children make choices that lead them away from the culture they were raised with.

[bctt tweet=”It’s hard to see your kids make choices that remove them from the culture you raised them in.” username=”wearethetempest”]

I’m not sure if your parents are part of the issue here, but it is possible that maintaining a cultural or ethnic identity is important to you after you get married. Speaking from personal experience here, I don’t see my marriage to a non-Indian as taking me away from my culture. In fact, I think it makes me more strongly identify with my background, and reflect deeply about what about my parents’ culture I’d like to maintain and pass on to my children someday. If you were raised in a way that suggested you should look for partners from among your own community, I’d recommend discussing it with your family.

Soha, won’t-share-her-age (Gulu: <eyeroll emoji>), attorney: It doesn’t matter if you end up with someone who others are uncomfortable with. You do you. Forget the haters.

Gulu: Words to live by.

Gender Inequality

Stop telling us to “dress like a lady”

Recently my Facebook feed was abuzz with a controversial issue for some: As a woman you are supposed to look a certain way or you will pay the price – literally.

Here’s the story: A group of female friends decided to go to a club and one was denied free entrance not because the time had passed for free entrance, but because her outfit didn’t make her look like a lady or arguably a woman. She shared her experience on Facebook and a lot of people shared their opinions.

The Trinidadian society in which I live is a post-colonial and patriarchal one. For centuries, the land and people have been exploited for monetary gain. One of the remnants of that is the exploitation of Trinidadian women.  Our women have been boasted about. Our culture prides itself on the objectification of women – specifically for Carnival. It’s a street festival, a big tourist attraction and women are at the front of Carnival promotions.

Not only are we expected to look a certain way, but we have been portrayed a particular way and not by our collective doing.

Our clothing has been policed before – from having to shed traditional clothing to being forced to adopt the Western clothing of colonial masters to now having patriarchal standards policing our clothing. Yet now, gender enters the equation. Now, we have clothing playing a significant part in gender identity.

Policing of women’s clothing is nothing new, and many can relate to it. Many women have experienced being judged for not dressing how someone, man or woman, would like them to. It is tiresome and infuriating to have to be placed in the position of pleasing others, when they have no say over what you wear.

Nor should they.

It’s not anyone’s business to say how a woman should dress. How do you determine someone’s lady-ness? Why is that even necessary?

At the core of the entire affair is a blatant disregard and disrespect of a woman’s choice. It’s time for that to end.

If we can ignore the right a woman has over her own body through dress, and then have the audacity to  go further than that by demanding she wear something else, then it comes as no surprise that her life isn’t considered weighty, either.

Patriarchy tells us that men are the pillars for determining the way a woman should dress. It’s about time that crap stops.

Love Advice

Do I actually have to try this out in bed, especially if I’m not wild about it?

Dear Madame Lestrange,


WHAT ARE GUYS’ OBSESSIONS WITH IT. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. I’m with a man who’s the love of my life but he keeps pushing me to do anal. I am *tentatively* open to it but also TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND because hello.

In the words of Amy Schumer, that’s where my poop comes out.

Do I have to go through with it? And what if I do want to go through with it – what then? I just want to make him happy – but I’m curious, too.


Maysa, 29



Hi Maysa,

Great question. Guys and anal…hah! I’ve heard plenty of my friends talk about their partners requesting to have anal sex, in which they have absolutely no interest. I also know tons of women who loooove anal sex. But do you have to go through with it? NOPE. Absolutely nope. You don’t have to go through with anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you’re not totally into or that you’re even just “meh” about. It doesn’t matter if your partner really wants to – if you don’t, that’s that, right?

Why should what he wants come before what you want?

He shouldn’t be pushing you into it either… I have no issues with a partner asking, suggesting, wondering, but then respectfully dropping the subject at any apprehensive response.

Pushing? Nah—unacceptable. Ask him to leave it alone until you come to your decision!

[bctt tweet=”I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc.”]

Now, let’s try to alleviate this fear and uncertainty. I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc. You’ve probably heard a lot of horror stories from people about their mishaps with anal.

But, honestly—if done right, anal sex can be a really enjoyable and intimate experience for you and your partner. I would suggest some anal play to help you decide if it’s something you’re remotely into.

If y’all haven’t done this yet, start with anal sex that doesn’t include a penis: get him to finger you anally or perform analingus. Buy some smaller dildos or vibrators to test how they feel when he puts them in (warning: don’t forget lube with this!). These smaller steps will not only help you figure out if you enjoy anal action, but they’ll also help you put aside some of the fear related to anal sex.

You’ll start feeling much more comfortable with and excited at the idea of putting a full-size dick in there if you end up liking the smaller things!

Here are some tips if you decide you like the play and want to start having full-blown anal:

  1. LOTS of foreplay and some vaginal sex first. Get yourself really wet and really turned on. Especially for your first time, you’ll probably feel a bit nervous! But if you and your partner start out with stuff you’re already comfortable with, you’ll also feel more comfortable once he puts it in your ass.
  2. LOTS of lube. You know this: your vagina creates natural lubricant, especially as you get more turned on, to allow for a penis (or whatever else you’re sticking in there). Your anus and rectum do not. If you don’t use lube, you run the risk of pain, tearing, infection, etc. But with proper lubrication, you should be good. Make sure to take it nice and slow. And if you think you need more lube, reapply it!
  3. Once he’s in there and doing his thing, I suggest one of you manually stimulates your clitoris. Let him finger you or do it yourself. It’ll help you enjoy the experience so much more. This is one of the perks of anal sex! So much stimulation is possible for you.
  4. Let him know beforehand that you might ask him to stop. And know that just because you decided to go for it, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind right before or even during. Lay down your rules for what is or isn’t okay. Do you want him to ejaculate inside you? Do you want him to use a condom (tip: safe sex is the best sex)? It’s all up to you, girl.
  5. If you’re worried about the whole poop thing, some suggestions: if you feel like you have to poop, don’t have anal sex. You’ll probably freak out and think you’re gonna poop on him (when you first get anally penetrated, it kinda feels like you have to poop. This freak out is real.). Take a shower before you think you’re gonna do it and clean your ass out a little. Honestly, he knows what the anus is for and what it does. Also if he gets grossed out by anything poop-related, that’s on him!
  6. Have fun. Like I said before, many women love anal sex and it can be a really intimate experience. But if you don’t like it, there’s no problem with that either. Just remember that sex (all types) is about two people sharing and enjoying an experience together. And each person has her/his likes and dislikes. So, don’t get too lost in the worries of making him happy with this. A good sex life comes from both partners being happy, not just one!


You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange


Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships.  Send all of your burning questions to or fill out our anonymous form here.

Gender & Identity Life

I’ll never be your spicy Latina

As soon as I Google “spicy Latina,” I am bombarded with photographs of over-sexualized Latinx women in promiscuous positions with barely any clothing to cover her curvy body. In fact, I can just search for “Latina” and get the same results. Expressing sexuality is a wonderful thing and the women posed for these photographs should not be shamed for that, but the Western culture should recognize that fetishizing an entire racial community is disgusting, demeaning and downright racist.

Often in media, the “spicy Latina” is portrayed as a seductive woman who wears almost exclusively nothing but form-fitting dresses with a short temper whose sole purpose is there to offer sex for the white male protagonist, simply because her race is seen as exotic and otherworldly. Although many people may think being called “spicy” is flattering, believe me, it’s not. It just feeds into the tropes that we are hyper-sexualized help that cannot go beyond being the maid, the home-wrecker or the sex toy.

There are hardly any outlets for Latinx women to express themselves as being more than the “spicy Latina.” Every corner of pop culture and media stamps us as such. Even in Spanish television and news, we are degraded as objects to be lusted after. I can’t watch Despierta America or Noticiero Univision without seeing the hosts or meteorologists wearing skin-tight clothing that feeds right into the “spicy Latina” stereotype.

We, as an entire community of women, deserve better than to be equated to food that is also often described as “juicy” or “exotic.” We deserve better than the senseless thought that we are nothing more than food in which this plate is simply lusted after, used and easily tossed away. It demolishes the diversity Latinx women have by reinforcing the stereotype that we are only good for our sexualized appearance.

It is degrading when I see this demeaning stereotype everywhere I look. I personally have never met a Latinx woman who believes her sole purpose in life is to be a sexualized being. Instead, I have come across ambitious and inspiring Latinx women who strive for their biggest goals and dreams. It is disappointing and disheartening when I don’t see these type of women in the media.

I want to see an accurate representation of Latinx women in the media that displays the realities and diversity we have to offer. I want to be able to relate to the tenacious Hispanic student experiencing higher education as a first generation student. I want to see the supportive Latinx family strive for the best possible life for their children. I want to see the successful Latinx CEO continue to dominate business while keeping true to her heritage.

We are women. We are not a flavor and we are not objects of your degrading racial fetishism.

Gender Love Inequality

Mia Khalifa might just be empowered through hijabi pornography.

The depiction of a pseudo-Muslim woman in a pornography might not be as bad as you think. I am not saying that to be cool or edgy. The depiction is a poor representation and could impact the lives of Muslim women in a negative way. Rather, I want to offer some historical context and, with it, offer a different way to read the situation.

More importantly, I want to dissipate the negative emotional response to the situation. In the past week, I, as a Muslim, was also asked to react emotionally to the killings at Charlie Hedbo. But I was not just asked to do so by the unsurprising contingent of people who would ask that of me and yet feel no need to emotionally react to violence committed against Muslims.

No, the people asking me to react were the people who have the most influence over me; they were fellow Muslims. Of course, sex and violence are extremely powerful topics. It is natural to react strongly. But by reacting on an emotional level, we feed our nafs, emotionally exhaust ourselves, and accumulate toxic energy. Let’s try to stop doing that to ourselves.

When it comes to current conversation about hijabi pornography, I really wanted to leave it be. Other Muslims have dissected the situation. However, they asked me to be angry and I, knowing that the pornography industry is what it is (if something exists, there’s pornography of it), merely being angry will change nothing. I understand the anger. But I want to offer an analysis that suggests the situation is not as bad as you might think, and certainly not to be taken too personally.

First of all, Muslim women have been fetishized before, but in the majority of recent cultural memory, Muslim women have been depicted as veiled, oppressed, and submissive under the thumb of Muslim men. Rhetoric for the invasion of Muslim countries, as in the case of the War on Terror, has been filtered through a lens of pity for Muslim women, American troops rallied for their supposed need for white saviors. This imagery was not created in the era of George W. Bush. It has been the norm for Western countries to represent Muslim women this way since the eighteenth century, as Mohja Kahf points out in her book, Western Representations of Muslim Women. Interestingly, though, as Kahf also points out, in earlier periods, when the Islamic empire was more powerful and Europe perceived Muslims as threatening, the West depicted Muslim women as sexually empowered, and intimidatingly so, as dominating queens.

Currently, the sexual depiction is a fantasy, and could just be an extension of the existing narrative of Western domination and invasion. In contrast with the opposite portrayal, though, it seems that the stakes of invasion are higher. Mia Khalifa, who is not Muslim but can still be seen as a depiction of the Muslim woman, is unapologetic and widely defended against negative reactions from the Lebanese community in her right to be so. Does this mean there exists a highly popular depiction of a sexually empowered, financially independent Muslim woman?

More to the point, is the popularity of her work a sign that tides are shifting? Have the stakes been raised to the point where the objective is not just the freeing of the oppressed Muslim woman but the reward of the sexy Muslim woman? In other words, is the sexualized depiction of the Muslim woman a sign that general enthusiasm for invading the “Muslim world” is weakening? Do other depictions of sexy pseudo-Muslim women, such as Princess Jasmine or Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie, also turn up at other points at which the West is losing the upper hand or morale is otherwise low, and extra incentive becomes necessary? Honestly, both sexuality and the situations are too complex to really determine. This is simply another way to read the situation. And, either way, we do not have to be angry or feel victimized.

In every scenario above, Western depictions of Muslim women are more of a reflection of the West and its insecurities than they are of real Muslim women. Just try to remember that.