Dear Madame Lestrange,
It hurts when we try to have sex.
My friends told me to spend more time on foreplay, but that doesn’t help. This is my first partner, and he takes his time, but I still find myself investing in silicone lubricants to make sure I can get through the sex.
I’m so frustrated. It gets to a point sometimes where it hurts a lot to even have sex.
WHAT DO I DO?
I’m about to give up
Dear About to Give Up,
Don’t give up! Seriously.
First, I have a question… you strictly mention sex being painful and dry. Do you masturbate? If yes, is that also painful? Do you get more/less/equally wet when you’re turning yourself on?
If you don’t masturbate, girl… Imma need you to do this. For yourself. For so many reasons.
It’s possible that you’re not totally aware of what really turns you on. It’s likely that you think you’re being turned on but you have yet to fully understand the possibilities of your body. It took me quite a few men and plenty of self-lovin’ to discover what works best for me.
So, use your fingers, get a vibrator, do whatever. But masturbate.
You will explore the path to an amazing, self-induced orgasm (I swear it’s empowering and relaxing and just…great). On this path, you’ll get insanely, moderately, or barely wet. If you invest in some vibrators (which I highly suggest), you can test out different sizes to see how your body responds to them.
Say you masturbate and, hey! You’re wet and everything feels great.
Now you know what to do to get there, right? Let your guy know what to do. I’m not sure what it means that he “takes his time”, but maybe that’s not what you’re into. Maybe you like things rougher. Maybe there’s a specific spot he needs to lick at a certain rhythm. Maybe you’re a strict fingers girl, maybe you need fingers and a tongue.
Explore the possibilities.
If you’re still running into the same problem (dryness & pain), don’t stress it. All of us produce varying amounts of personal lube, there’s nothing wrong with you (unless you’ve got other problems like strong odor, in which case – see your gyno). Vaginal dryness and tightness are more common than you may think… and there are solutions!
Some things to try and think about:
- Buy lube and be SURE to use it each time. Play around with the amount and type of lube until you’re comfortable. Try lubricated condoms!
- Don’t let him penetrate you until you’re properly wet. This is where your friends are giving you the advice to do a lot of foreplay. Figure out what foreplay you’re super into, do a lot of that (try to actually fool around for a solid 30 minutes), let yourself get wet, and then put it in.
- Anxiety/stress can cause your vaginal muscles to tighten. This is another reason masturbation is key. As you get more comfortable being sexually aroused, you won’t feel as nervous, scared, stressed. Extended foreplay will also relax you.
- Consider the size of his penis. Remember, vaginas allow for sex and birthing babies…stretch is a thing. It doesn’t seem likely that any tightness is causing the pain. If you do think this is the issue, see how it is inserting a tampon. If that’s painful, you may have what’s called vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that affects a woman’s ability for vaginal penetration (tampon, penis, anything) from muscle tightening. Tons of different factors (including psychological ones) can cause the tightening! Schedule an appointment with your gynecologist. She/he can diagnose & provide treatment if tightness is truly your cockblocker.
- Go to your gynecologist and just let her/him know what’s up. If you’re taking birth control pills, it’s totally possible that the shift in hormones has affected your libido and production of discharge. Your gynecologist will have solutions if the dryness or pain is hormone-related.
You will absolutely find a solution that works for you. I promise. And don’t forget, your gynecologist is always a great resource.
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