sex advice column – The Tempest

Dear Madame Lestrange,

It hurts when we try to have sex.

My friends told me to spend more time on foreplay, but that doesn’t help. This is my first partner, and he takes his time, but I still find myself investing in silicone lubricants to make sure I can get through the sex.

I’m so frustrated. It gets to a point sometimes where it hurts a lot to even have sex.

WHAT DO I DO?

Signed,

I’m about to give up

______________

Dear About to Give Up,

Don’t give up! Seriously.

First, I have a question… you strictly mention sex being painful and dry. Do you masturbate? If yes, is that also painful? Do you get more/less/equally wet when you’re turning yourself on?

If you don’t masturbate, girl… Imma need you to do this. For yourself. For so many reasons.

It’s possible that you’re not totally aware of what really turns you on. It’s likely that you think you’re being turned on but you have yet to fully understand the possibilities of your body. It took me quite a few men and plenty of self-lovin’ to discover what works best for me.

So, use your fingers, get a vibrator, do whatever. But masturbate.

You will explore the path to an amazing, self-induced orgasm (I swear it’s empowering and relaxing and just…great). On this path, you’ll get insanely, moderately, or barely wet. If you invest in some vibrators (which I highly suggest), you can test out different sizes to see how your body responds to them.

Say you masturbate and, hey! You’re wet and everything feels great.

Now you know what to do to get there, right? Let your guy know what to do. I’m not sure what it means that he “takes his time”, but maybe that’s not what you’re into. Maybe you like things rougher. Maybe there’s a specific spot he needs to lick at a certain rhythm. Maybe you’re a strict fingers girl, maybe you need fingers and a tongue.

Explore the possibilities.

If you’re still running into the same problem (dryness & pain), don’t stress it. All of us produce varying amounts of personal lube, there’s nothing wrong with you (unless you’ve got other problems like strong odor, in which case – see your gyno). Vaginal dryness and tightness are more common than you may think… and there are solutions!

Some things to try and think about:

Buy lube and be SURE to use it each time. Play around with the amount and type of lube until you’re comfortable. Try lubricated condoms!

Don’t let him penetrate you until you’re properly wet. This is where your friends are giving you the advice to do a lot of foreplay. Figure out what foreplay you’re super into, do a lot of that (try to actually fool around for a solid 30 minutes), let yourself get wet, and then put it in.

Anxiety/stress can cause your vaginal muscles to tighten. This is another reason masturbation is key. As you get more comfortable being sexually aroused, you won’t feel as nervous, scared, stressed. Extended foreplay will also relax you.

Consider the size of his penis. Remember, vaginas allow for sex and birthing babies…stretch is a thing. It doesn’t seem likely that any tightness is causing the pain. If you do think this is the issue, see how it is inserting a tampon. If that’s painful, you may have what’s called vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that affects a woman’s ability for vaginal penetration (tampon, penis, anything) from muscle tightening. Tons of different factors (including psychological ones) can cause the tightening! Schedule an appointment with your gynecologist. She/he can diagnose & provide treatment if tightness is truly your cockblocker.

Go to your gynecologist and just let her/him know what’s up. If you’re taking birth control pills, it’s totally possible that the shift in hormones has affected your libido and production of discharge. Your gynecologist will have solutions if the dryness or pain is hormone-related.

You will absolutely find a solution that works for you. I promise. And don’t forget, your gynecologist is always a great resource.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Do I actually have to try this out in bed, especially if I’m not wild about it?

Dear Madame Lestrange,

ANAL.

WHAT ARE GUYS’ OBSESSIONS WITH IT. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. I’m with a man who’s the love of my life but he keeps pushing me to do anal. I am *tentatively* open to it but also TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND because hello.

In the words of Amy Schumer, that’s where my poop comes out.

Do I have to go through with it? And what if I do want to go through with it – what then? I just want to make him happy – but I’m curious, too.

Signed,

Maysa, 29

______________

Hi Maysa,

Great question. Guys and anal…hah! I’ve heard plenty of my friends talk about their partners requesting to have anal sex, in which they have absolutely no interest. I also know tons of women who loooove anal sex. But do you have to go through with it? NOPE. Absolutely nope. You don’t have to go through with anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you’re not totally into or that you’re even just “meh” about. It doesn’t matter if your partner really wants to – if you don’t, that’s that, right?

Why should what he wants come before what you want?

He shouldn’t be pushing you into it either… I have no issues with a partner asking, suggesting, wondering, but then respectfully dropping the subject at any apprehensive response.

Pushing? Nah—unacceptable. Ask him to leave it alone until you come to your decision!

[bctt tweet=”I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc.”]

Now, let’s try to alleviate this fear and uncertainty. I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc. You’ve probably heard a lot of horror stories from people about their mishaps with anal.

But, honestly—if done right, anal sex can be a really enjoyable and intimate experience for you and your partner. I would suggest some anal play to help you decide if it’s something you’re remotely into.

If y’all haven’t done this yet, start with anal sex that doesn’t include a penis: get him to finger you anally or perform analingus. Buy some smaller dildos or vibrators to test how they feel when he puts them in (warning: don’t forget lube with this!). These smaller steps will not only help you figure out if you enjoy anal action, but they’ll also help you put aside some of the fear related to anal sex.

You’ll start feeling much more comfortable with and excited at the idea of putting a full-size dick in there if you end up liking the smaller things!

Here are some tips if you decide you like the play and want to start having full-blown anal:

LOTS of foreplay and some vaginal sex first. Get yourself really wet and really turned on. Especially for your first time, you’ll probably feel a bit nervous! But if you and your partner start out with stuff you’re already comfortable with, you’ll also feel more comfortable once he puts it in your ass.
LOTS of lube. You know this: your vagina creates natural lubricant, especially as you get more turned on, to allow for a penis (or whatever else you’re sticking in there). Your anus and rectum do not. If you don’t use lube, you run the risk of pain, tearing, infection, etc. But with proper lubrication, you should be good. Make sure to take it nice and slow. And if you think you need more lube, reapply it!
Once he’s in there and doing his thing, I suggest one of you manually stimulates your clitoris. Let him finger you or do it yourself. It’ll help you enjoy the experience so much more. This is one of the perks of anal sex! So much stimulation is possible for you.
Let him know beforehand that you might ask him to stop. And know that just because you decided to go for it, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind right before or even during. Lay down your rules for what is or isn’t okay. Do you want him to ejaculate inside you? Do you want him to use a condom (tip: safe sex is the best sex)? It’s all up to you, girl.
If you’re worried about the whole poop thing, some suggestions: if you feel like you have to poop, don’t have anal sex. You’ll probably freak out and think you’re gonna poop on him (when you first get anally penetrated, it kinda feels like you have to poop. This freak out is real.). Take a shower before you think you’re gonna do it and clean your ass out a little. Honestly, he knows what the anus is for and what it does. Also if he gets grossed out by anything poop-related, that’s on him!
Have fun. Like I said before, many women love anal sex and it can be a really intimate experience. But if you don’t like it, there’s no problem with that either. Just remember that sex (all types) is about two people sharing and enjoying an experience together. And each person has her/his likes and dislikes. So, don’t get too lost in the worries of making him happy with this. A good sex life comes from both partners being happy, not just one!

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange