Tag: platonic friendship

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The Ultimate Guide to Dating Love + Sex Love Advice

Here’s why your single friend always gives the best relationship advice

Two women hug and smile on a beach.
[Image description: Two women hug and smile on a beach.] Via Unsplash

Not to toot my own horn, but I think I give excellent dating advice. However, if you were to ask me for my dating credentials, I would hand you a blank piece of paper.

For some, being serially single is not a choice. But for me, it’s a lifestyle.

I have been single for all of my adult life, and I thoroughly enjoy the independence and solitude—which I know freaks people out. While some single people date, I do not.

So how does this make me—and other serially single people—expert at giving dating advice?

Let me let you in on a few secrets of the trade.

The first secret is not actually a secret but a well-known fact: Almost all forms of content are about love.

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Even content that exists outside of traditional romance genres usually includes love and sex. For example, that action movie you just watched, was there a romantic arc in it?

Exactly.

Most movies, television shows, and books have provided blueprints for all kinds of relationships. A lot of these blueprints have helped me understand what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like.

I’ve also read more than a fair share of fanfiction. Honestly, when you asked for my dating credentials, I could have sent you the link to AO3 and, if you’ve ever read any fanfiction, you’d have immediately understood why this gives me so much credible dating insight.

Even being someone who grew up alongside the Internet has made many of us mini experts on random topics. Most of us didn’t necessarily seek this information out; it just appeared on our Tumblr, Twitter, or Instagram feeds.

Here’s the real secret: All relationships are the same.

Whether platonic or romantic, open or closed, monogamous or polyamorous, all relationships are made of the same ingredients. The dictionary definition of relationship describes the connection between people. And we all have experience with that. I may not date, but I do have lots of friends.

Some of my friendships have failed while others have thrived. This has helped me gain insight on communication, boundaries, and respect—insight that applies to both platonic and romantic relationships.

I’ve also watched most of my loved ones experience all kinds of different relationships. As you can imagine, being single gives those of us who are serially single plenty of free time to observe other people’s relationships—and, if you’re a Virgo like me, judge these relationships in order to perfect the advice we give to those who may (or may not) ask.

Just because your single friends haven’t dated anyone—casually, seriously, or at all—doesn’t mean we’re not familiar with the territory. All of our observations add to our dating advice credentials.

In fact, we’re kind of like therapists.

Because we’re removed from romantic situations, we have clarity uncolored by personal bias and experiences.

Most importantly, your serially single friends arguably have the most experience with prioritizing themselves and their needs. This makes us adept at keeping your best interests top of mind if you come to us for romantic advice.

We want you to be yourself and to love who you are. We will encourage you to take the time to learn more about your wants, needs, and goals before diving further into romance.


The best advice I can give as a serially single person is to try out being single. Being single has a lot of perks, the top of which is that it can give you the time, space, and energy to explore you who are.

I’m not saying everyone should be single. I’m just saying don’t knock it till you try it.

And, don’t worry. I promise I won’t say “I told you so” when you realize being single helped you become a better romantic partner.

Happy dating!

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Advice Life

A Galentine’s day guide: how to tell your friends you love them, today and every day

Four women stand side-by-side with their backs to the camera. They have their arms around each others' waists. The woman on the far left has a camera strapped over her shoulder. Their coats are shades of pink, purple and orange.
[Image description: Four women stand side-by-side with their backs to the camera. They have their arms around each others' waists. The woman on the far left has a camera strapped over her shoulder. Their coats are shades of pink, purple and orange.] Via Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash.

Valentine’s Day is coming up – lovebirds and palentines – follow along with our Vday series right here.

Happy Galentine’s Day! The brainchild of future American president Leslie Knope of the TV show Parks and Recreation, Galentine’s is the more introverted, less mass-capitalized cousin of Valentine’s Day. It’s a day dedicated to one of my most favorite things: female friendships.

Female friendships basically sustain me, which is why I am 100% on board with a whole day of celebrating them. I could do it on Valentine’s Day, but while Valentine’s Day has long been associated with gestures and emotions that are big and intense and theatrical, friendships are usually the opposite. They’re a thousand quiet, consistent words and gestures practiced for months and years, all layered over one another until they form the safest of safe spaces, the most comfortable place to rest. And the people who create that space for you deserve a day (or several) all to themselves.

So here I present to you a 2019 Galentine’s Guide, a list of all the things you can do today and forevermore to show your friends you love them. Welcome to the antithesis to Grand Romantic Gestures: Everyday Platonic Gestures.

1. Proofread an email/CV/essay (and apply relevant edits)

A cartoon middle-aged man (Peter Griffin from the TV show Family Guy is seated at a desk. He has long, red acrylic nails on and is typing at a computer.
[Image description: A cartoon middle-aged man (Peter Griffin from the TV show Family Guy) is seated at a desk. He has long, red acrylic nails on and is typing at a computer.] Via Giphy.

Nothing says ‘I love you and care about your professional growth and success’ like some dedicated proofreading. When you take time out of your day to look over an essay or a cover letter, make some edits, and send back some supportive feedback, you’re telling your friends that you’re invested in their success and betterment. Giving someone your time and brainpower when both are in high demand is the ultimate gesture of friendship.

2. Send pet pictures.

A white, fluffy cat is laying on the floor with its paws stretched out over its head. It is opening up and closing each paw alternatively.
[Image description: A white, fluffy cat is laying on the floor with its paws stretched out over its head. It is opening up and closing each paw alternatively.] Via Giphy.

Speaking from experience, the worst thing about leaving home to go to university is missing your pets. A lot of my friends are still away at university, far from their fur-babies, so I often take it upon myself to send them pictures of mine as a little pick-me-up. Science says pets can reduce stress and anxiety, citing a close-up of photo of my cat’s paws as proof (not really, but they should).

3. Tag them in a meme.

A man with dark hair and tan skin faces the camera and mimes drawing a heart with his two index fingers while mouthing the words "I love you."
[Image description: A man with dark hair and tan skin faces the camera and mimes drawing a heart with his two index fingers while mouthing the words “I love you.”] Via Giphy.

Meme-tags are the modern-day love-letter. They say, ‘hi I saw this video of a raccoon sitting in the kid’s seat of a grocery cart and it reminded me of you’, which is a lot more heartwarming than it sounds.

4. Ask for their opinion.

A woman with long blonde hair screams frustratedly into the camera, "THAT'S MY OPINION!"
[Image description: A woman with long blonde hair screams frustratedly into the camera, “THAT’S MY OPINION!”]

In any friend group, each person has a niche specialty: The Horoscope Friend, the DIY-Face-Mask Friend, the How-To-Wear-Crop-Tops-As-Formalwear Friend. Know your friends’ respective skillsets and tap into them often. It’s always nice to feel needed and wanted, especially if you’re able to contribute something unique to your knowledge and experience. Not sure if its too soon in your relationship to use the eggplant emoji? Ask your Emoji-Ettiquette Friend!

5. Tell them you’re proud of them

A man grabs another man by his neck and pecks him on the lips repeatedly while saying, 'So proud!'. A blonde woman in a collared shirt and pink cardigan watches them fondly.
[Image description: A man grabs another man by his neck and pecks him on the lips repeatedly while exclaiming, ‘So proud!’. A blonde woman in a collared shirt and pink cardigan watches them fondly.] Via Giphy.

‘I love you’ is nice, but I like to reserve it specifically for birthday cards and random girls in club bathrooms. Someone telling you they’re proud of you is the nicest feeling in the world, because it means they’ve been paying attention to where you were then, where you are now and everything in-between. Recognizing someone’s personal or professional progress is both validating and encouraging, so do it as often as you can.

6. Say nice things behind their backs

A woman with short brown hair in pigtails looks directly at the camera and says enthusiastically, 'Regina George is flawless.'
[Image description: A woman with short brown hair in pigtails looks directly at the camera and says enthusiastically, ‘Regina George is flawless.’] Via Giphy.

Please kindly don’t ask me about my friends unless you would like to listen to me speak uninterrupted for many minutes, pausing only to show you a photo slideshow of the highlights of our 8-year friendship. Boast about their achievements and show everyone that one meme they made that you thought was really funny. They deserve the publicity.

I hope you had a great Galentine’s Day, one and all! And feel free to send this article to the group chat as a subtle hint if you need to.

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Tips & Tricks Life Stories Humor Advice Life

Here’s how to keep your friendships alive like a damn adult

Five young women pose together on an empty railroad track on a sunny day.
[Image description: Five young women pose together on an empty railroad track on a sunny day.] Via Bruce Dixon on Unsplash

As you get older, days seem to get shorter and time just keeps slipping away. We’re so busy all of a sudden, with school and work and navigating adulthood, that maintaining friendships is not as easy as it may have been at school. It can be easy to let them slip away, even. Through time, struggle and a lot of whining, however, I’ve figured out the perfect formula to beat the system and cheat your way through it.

Disclaimer: It’s entirely possible that I’m not very good at this either, to be honest. Perfect friendships don’t seem to last for long after preschool, though, so maybe this is the closest any of us can get.

1. Choose your fights wisely.

[Image description: A man saying, "I simply don't have time for confrontations.] Via Giphy
[Image description: A man saying, “I simply don’t have time for confrontations.] Via Giphy
Let’s be honest, you don’t really want to keep in touch with every single person you ever ate lunch with in high school. Some of them may stay your best friends all your life. Or maybe none of them will. You have to make that choice—who is worth investing your limited time in?

2. Accept the change.

[Image description: A woman making a calming hand gesture and saying, "Just relax a little bit."] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman making a calming hand gesture and saying, “Just relax a little bit.”] Via Giphy
There is no way a friendship that goes from meeting up at 8 a.m. every morning at school to not seeing each other more than once a month can stay the same. And that’s okay. Sometimes, it’s easier to go with the flow and try not to fight it all the time.

3. Prioritize your people.

[Image description: A woman making a sassy hand gesture and saying, "Talk trash and have fun, you know, that's what friends do."] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman making a sassy hand gesture and saying, “Talk trash and have fun, you know, that’s what friends do.”] Via Giphy
Listen, we all have those days where we want to come home, lapse into a puddle on one corner of the sofa and have no will to exist for the next three weeks. It happens to the best of us. And maybe, on days like those, you don’t want to interact with another human being. But maybe the funk you’re in can be helped by calling your best friend and whining about life until you get distracted by a really stupid inside joke and wind up cackling so hard you can’t breathe.

4. Don’t sweat it.

[Image description: A woman heaving out a sigh.] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman heaving out a sigh.] Via Giphy
Distance is not always the worst thing. For example, one of oldest friends and I talk maybe one every couple of months and we don’t always know what is happening in each other’s lives or what kind of music we’re into recently. What we do know is that if I were to find myself feeling stuck in life, she’d still understand perfectly what I mean to say in minimal words. Sometimes, it’s okay not to be as close as you once were, because distance does not make you care any less and there’s nothing wrong with accepting it.

5. Make the most of your time.

[Image description: A man excitedly nodding and saying, "Super disturbing, but I'm gonna do it!"] Via Giphy
[Image description: A man excitedly nodding and saying, “Super disturbing, but I’m gonna do it!”] Via Giphy
If you’re saying you’ve never talked to a friend while multitasking, like cooking or getting dressed or even in the bathroom, I’m just going to have to call you a liar. Sometimes, you’re busy being pulled in six different directions but you also really miss talking to your friend so there’s basically no other option but to multitask. And you know what, video-chatting with your phone propped up by the sink while you do your makeup or on the counter while you make dinner is an amazing form of communication.

6. Accept group chats as your new best friend…

[Image description: A woman looking down at her phone and typing, asking, "Where is the gun emoji?"] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman looking down at her phone and typing, asking, “Where is the gun emoji?”] Via Giphy
Even if scheduling conflicts and work commitments and life in general are keeping you from having deep discussions about the meaning of the universe and whatnot, it’s nice to just spend a few moments outraged about the newest celebrity gossip. It’s also an excellent place to have dumb conversations entirely via reaction gifs.

7. … And memes as your second-best friend.

[Image description: A woman typing on her phone and geeking out, making funny faces.] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman typing on her phone and geeking out, making funny faces.] Via Giphy
Honestly, if you aren’t tagged in at least one meme every day, do you even have real friends? From silly Facebook videos to hilariously relatable jokes on Instagram, the meme may just be the millennial’s modern form of showing quick affection. It definitely shows someone you’re thinking of them much better than a cheesy text, and you get a good laugh out of it.

8. Don’t stress about it; it’s not worth it.

[Image description: A woman swinging in a hammock with her eyes closed, hands folded under her head.] Via Giphy
[Image description: A woman swinging in a hammock with her eyes closed, hands folded under her head.] Via Giphy
That moment where it finally hits you that the only people you’ve talked to that week are your coworkers and the cat can be hard. It may even hit you at butt o’clock at night, right in the middle of your Netflix binge, and leave you gasping with how alone you’ve been recently. But if you’re happy that way, that’s okay too. There’s no need to stress about not being attached to the hip with your friends all the time because a little space is good for everybody.

9. Be a little selfish.

[Image description: An emotional woman stroking her own arms and then nodding, putting both hands to her chest to symbolize self-love.] Via Giphy
[Image description: An emotional woman stroking her own arms and then nodding, putting both hands to her chest to symbolize self-love.] Via Giphy
If somebody is making you feel shitty, cut them out of your life. If you’ve grown apart from someone and don’t really care anymore, move on. If it amuses you to ignore a clingy friend, go for it. As an adult, it’s absolutely acceptable to put yourself and your own needs first, even if it sometimes means compromising on friendships.

10. Communicate.

[Image description: A little girl very seriously saying, "Best friends don't tell."] Via Giphy
[Image description: A little girl very seriously saying, “Best friends don’t tell.”] Via Giphy
As pretty much any teen romance movie ever has taught us, a lack of communication can kill even the cutest couple. That applies just as easily to the non-fictional world, and you know what? Those movies weren’t wrong. Even if you’re busy, tired, cranky, irate, just letting somebody know that you’re dealing with something and will get back to them ASAP instead of ignoring their texts can make a world of difference. At the end of the day, no matter what your relationship with a friend looks like, if you can communicate effectively, your friendship can make it through some serious struggles.

11. Celebrate each other.

[Image description: A girl with a drink in hand, shooting finger-guns.] Via Giphy.
[Image description: A girl with a drink in hand, shooting finger-guns.] Via Giphy.
We all have a few dozen friendly acquaintances who we don’t really talk to and who only count as friends in the most superficial sense of the word. It’s still nice to drop them a line every once in a while if you see something cool that reminds you of them, or if you see them post about an achievement on your timeline.

12. Don’t miss out.

[Image description: A brunette girl saying to her blonde friend, "I'm your BFF: your broke friend forever."] Via Giphy
[Image description: A brunette girl saying to her blonde friend, “I’m your BFF: your broke friend forever.”] Via Giphy
Sure, FOMO is a very real affliction. And sure, it’s great for your peace of mind to not indulge in it. But while it might not be possible for you to be there for each other all the time, try to be there for your friends when they need you. Sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if you haven’t texted in two weeks as long as you’re there when it counts.

Categories
Love + Sex Love

I hate being the third wheel in my friends’ relationships. Here’s why.

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One of the biggest fights I’ve ever gotten into with a friend was over a boy. 

But it wasn’t for reasons you might think.

I’ve always only had a few close friends. I’m a notoriously anxious person and I don’t particularly enjoy meeting new people, so I was never a social butterfly. While I don’t have a large circle of friends, I adore and am fiercely loyal to my core group.

In high school, one of these friends started dating one of our mutual acquaintances. It felt like almost instantly I had gone from seeing her multiples times a week to never seeing her at all. Up until that point, we had been extremely close.

[bctt tweet=”It all changes the moment they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend.” username=”wearethetempest”]

When we first were introduced back in sophomore year, we bonded over a shared love of the movie Say Anything and campy, offbeat 80’s pop culture. Our friendship blossomed from simply sitting at the same lunch table, to having hushed discussions while squished together on her tiny twin mattress during Saturday night sleepovers. When she entered this new relationship, suddenly the person I traded so many of my deepest secrets with was disappearing and I couldn’t understand why.

The hurt I felt quickly turned into bitterness and I lashed out in the only way I knew how. If she was going to ignore me and fade out of my life, I was going do the same exact thing to her. It was our senior year of high school, and unfortunately, we spent a majority of that time not speaking at all.

This was the first time that a close friend of mine began blowing me off for their significant other, but it was not the last. Throughout college and even now, I’ve begun to recognize a pattern. While my friends are single, I see them all the time. We grab a quick lunch at our local Asian fusion restaurant. Or a cheeky hump-day drink to get us through the week. However, it all changes the moment they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Then it’s like I have to a slay dragon, cross a moat, and promptly submit a ten page, double-spaced proposal in order to make any kind of plans with them.

As someone who doesn’t know if she’ll ever get into a romantic relationship herself, this pattern scares me because not only is this behavior common within our society, it is expected. We’re very much expected to have one partner who we’ll settle down with and eventually marry. It’s why traditions like bachelor and bachelorette parties still exist. The night before our wedding, we’re supposed to go out with our friends and have one last hurrah because it will all change the moment “I do” crosses our lips.

Frankly, I think that entire mindset is bullshit. 

I’m sick of people privileging romantic relationships over platonic ones.

This way of thinking implies that platonic relationships aren’t as important because there is no sex or romantic love involved. As a result, there is also the implication that if a person does not enter a romantic relationship, then their lives are inherently less valid or unfulfilled. Which is, of course, completely untrue.

On a more personal level, however, I think I have the biggest gripe with the misconception that a platonic friendship cannot be as intimate as a romantic one. Physical intimacy is not the only kind that exists.

When I think of the type of intimacy that exists within my own life, I immediately think about my best friend. I talk to her every single day and she frequently acts as my sounding board. I share with her my hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, and everything that falls in those murky in-between spaces. I’ve freely told her information about myself that no one else knows. 

That alone is a form of intimacy.

As I get older, I’ve started to accept the fact that perhaps I’ll always experience this tug of war between my friends and their significant others. Especially as the race down the aisle grows closer and closer. I just hope that my friends can recognize that a romantic relationship and marriage is not the be-all-end-all of interpersonal connection.

My friendships are just as important, valid, and necessary for a full and thriving life – on both sides of the relationship.