Tag: Madame Lestrange

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Dear Madame Lestrange Sexuality Love + Sex Love

I don’t know how to masturbate

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[Image Description: Iphone screen showing the homepage] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange, 

I haven’t really masturbated before and I am a little bit nervous!

How do you masturbate for beginners and what apps would you suggest to help? 

—Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Being nervous is completely normal, it’s a new experience!

More so, because we’re taught that our intimate areas are off-limits and that only adds to the stress involved.

But let me tell you, there’s nothing to be nervous about! The first thing I would suggest is: explore, explore, explore. See what you like and what you don’t. There isn’t a set way to masturbate, some people prefer to use toys whilst others can get off using their hands alone.

The only way to know the best way for you is to try out a bunch of different things. You might find that you are a bit dry or, if you have a penis, lube might help.

You can buy this from any sex shop and it makes it all the more enjoyable and definitely easier. 

For apps, there’s a range of exciting ones, it depends on what you are looking for!

I’ve added a few below to start you off (and get you off):

Dipsea: This app is a lot like guided meditation but it helps to get you off. It’s a collection of short audio stories and is for people of all genders. 

Happy time: This app is primarily for people with a vagina. The aim is to get people educated about masturbation and be comfortable with pleasuring yourself! This app is free. 

Sex positive: This is about counteracting the fears and misinformation about sexuality. It gives information about what happens when a part of the body touches another and so you can always be informed!

I’ve linked an article written by one of our writers about apps to help you further. You can find it here.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange 

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love Advice

Do you have any advice on how to be single?

[Image Description: four women standing and chatting outside a building]. Via Unsplash
[Image Description: four women standing and chatting outside a building]. Via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

So, I’m a serial monogamist. I’ve finally come to admit it after years of denying it. I have an incredibly hard time not being in a relationship. So far, I’m a month strong, which is great, but being home for the summer is really lonely, and I’m having the urge to hop on Tinder or OkCupid and find the next one.

I know this would be bad, but I’d like to tell myself, “what’s the harm?” But I know the harm; I need to work on myself this summer, and really spend some time with myself, something I haven’t done in years.

Do you have any advice on how to be single? I love being in relationships, and I love to hang out and get to know someone really well. But in the end, I always end up losing myself in it and distracting myself from my real problems. Can you help?!

Love,

—Your Single Gal

Dear Single Gal, 

You’ve already recognized what you need to do and that is to stay single. It’s always good to take some time out for yourself to figure out what you want and what you are looking for. 

My advice would be to figure out why you feel the need to always be in a relationship, do you miss the companionship? The sex? Or intimacy? This is the first way to figure out how to be single! Try finding things that ignite your passion, if there is something that you have been ignoring whilst looking for a relationship push your free time towards that. 

It’s not easy being single when you’re so used to being in a relationship and it can be really lonely. This is something that you have to push through in order to make sure that you are working on yourself. It’s important to recognize the things that you enjoy doing in a relationship you can do on your own.

You can go to the cinema and go to restaurants. You don’t need someone to be with you. Equally, grab a couple of your friends and head to the movies! 

Your welcome, 

Madame Lestrange 

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

Am I still straight if I’m attracted to a girl?

[Image Description: Two women in leather jackets kissing] Via Unsplash
[Image Description: Two women in leather jackets kissing] Via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I am a girl and I thought I was straight until I met this one girl and now I am questioning my sexuality. I find her really attractive but I can’t imagine kissing her, but that might be because she is younger than me. Am I still straight? Or am I just scared of society? I don’t know… 

—Hot and bothered



Dear Hot and Bothered,

Questioning your sexuality is 100% normal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that. In fact, most people whether they openly say it or not do go through this process so it’s completely normal. 

Unfortunately, I can’t answer the question of whether or not you are straight, that is only something that you can answer. There is nothing wrong with experimenting to find out how you really feel.

Some people only really know after they have had some form of interaction with the same sex. Ultimately, there’s no harm in trying out different things. We all tend to find people attractive but when you are attracted to someone, it’s definitely different and you can feel it. Age doesn’t really matter, obviously unless the person is a minor and is unable to consent. 

Society is always something that people worry about. Whilst it’s true that the world has become a more accepting place, there is still a huge taboo around same-sex relationships in so many cultures so I understand your fear.

Saying that you have a right to be who you are in whichever way you choose to manifest that. There are always going to be people who will accept you for being your most authentic self and those are the people you should hold on to. 

No matter where you are from, no matter the culture there is nothing shameful about being gay or bisexual. If you are, take pride in that because you deserve to be you.

You’re Welcome,

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love

Am I desperate for using dating apps?

[Image Description: An iPhone screen displaying the Tinder app] via Unsplash
[Image Description: An iPhone screen displaying the Tinder app] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m 26 and I’ve never dated anyone. In my teens, my parents told me that I was to not interact with any guy because that was religiously forbidden. In my early 20s, I had many crushes but was always too shy to admit it and the infatuation faded quickly. I’m 26 now I have a career and my parents want me to get ready for marriage.

I don’t know about marriage but I am ready to meet my soulmate. I joined a dating site and all the men I talked to wanted a casual hookup (I was on bumble). My social media tells me that I don’t have to look for someone because I’ll meet someone when least expected. So now I feel desperate when I’m actively looking. Please advise. 

Sincerely,

—Lonely Lady 

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Dear Lonely Lady, 

There is nothing wrong with dating apps and if you feel comfortable using them, then go for it! It’s true that a lot of people use dating apps like Bumble and Tinder for casual hookups but that isn’t everyone! Quite a few people have met their long term partners on dating apps, it’s just a case of sticking it out to find that person that you will be with.

It’s important to recognise that the first person you meet and are compatible with may not be your soulmate. Any relationship requires work and there should always be a sense of realism and logic to your relationship. Romanticising a relationship can have disastrous consequences so it’s important to put your own values and morals above your feelings for another person.

I agree with what your social media says in principle. The idea that your entire life should not be about finding love and you should put yourself first. Moreover, there are lots of different reasons why people are on dating apps, and everyone works on their own timeline. You shouldn’t feel bad for actively looking for a relationship, especially when you’ve achieved a career and you feel emotionally ready to be in a relationship. 

You’re welcome, 

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

My parents want to marry me off —but I don’t want to go through with it

[Image description: Woman dressed in traditional Indian wedding dress looks down.] via Unsplash
[Image description: Woman dressed in traditional Indian wedding dress looks down.] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

As a 20-year-old Indian Muslim girl who was born and brought up in the Middle East, I led a life with fewer restrictions compared to others in India, like my cousins.

And yet here I am, engaged to a man 8 years older than me, because of my parents. At first, I said no, but because I wanted to make them happy I went along with it.

Now that I am engaged, I have mixed feelings. 

I am not ready mentally or physically for a relationship. I don’t have any dating experience because first of all my parents don’t approve and because of that, I lost interest in that area.

Buxom Cosmetics

But now that I am “of age” they want me to have an arranged marriage (“safely,” as they said) as soon as possible. If I feel like I do not want to get married any time soon. Is it okay to break it off even after the engagement? Also, how can I get through to my parents about this matter?

Here I am, engaged to a man 8 years older than me, because of my parents.

By the way, I’m engaged to a good guy. At least, according to what I know. 

That makes me feel even more guilty in breaking off the engagement, but I don’t feel like I’m not ready. On top of that, our age difference has been quietly nagging at me. 

Please help me. I am so sorry! I really don’t know who to ask.

—Desperate Girl

Dear Desperate Girl, 

Okay, boo, let’s take this one step at a time.

There is nothing wrong with breaking off your engagement if it is the right thing for you.

Marriage is a life-long commitment and an arranged marriage is definitely not something that you should do, just because someone else is pressuring you to. Twenty years old is still quite young and it’s okay if you are having mixed feelings about your engagement, especially since it has been arranged by your parents. 

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You say that your parents “forced you” to get engaged to this man.

That is not okay.

Many parents only want the best for their children, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a say in the rest of your life. Eight years is a big age difference, especially when you are so young. You both are at different points in your life and so it’s important to take that into account.

You say that your parents “forced you” to get engaged to this man. That is not okay.

You should also consider whether the two of you would be able to work as a married couple. 

I don’t really know about the relationship with your parents, but the best thing to do is to be completely honest and open. If you cannot speak to your parents, speak to your other family members.

Sometimes it takes other adults to fight in your corner to get people to understand. Regardless, make sure you continue to remind yourself that this is your decision at the end of the day – no matter what people around you say. Remember that. You’ve got this. 

You’re welcome, 

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love

My boyfriend is more experienced than me. What will the first time be like?

[Image Description: Man and woman kissing with a city in the background]
[Image Description: Man and woman kissing with a city in the background]

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better.

Anywhoo… could really use some advice here!

—Virgin Distress

Dear Virgin Distress,

My first piece of advice would be to not overthink it. It’s good that you want it to be pleasurable for both of you but guaranteed the more that you attempt to do so, the less it will be. Make yourself completely comfortable in the environment. Play some music, dim the lights, and completely relax. Don’t allow yourself to wonder if he is having a good time because trust me girl, you will know.

I’ve always found that sex is always better when the couple communicates their needs to one another.

Most importantly, if he does something you don’t like or you want him to do something more then tell him! Communication is sexy and it’s a sure-fire way for you both to understand each other’s bodies better. I’ve always found that sex is always better when the couple communicates their needs to one another. It means that you don’t have to assume that someone will like it or have to worry that they don’t. It’s totally fine to air your opinions and needs during sex!

The key thing to remember is that there is no right way to have sex. People do it in very different ways that is pleasurable to them. Don’t worry yourself with the right way to do it. When you have him that close and you’re kissing and touching the ‘right’ thing will happen. It will happen at the right pace for both of you and in the right order. The key thing is that you both enjoy that time and not worry about doing it in a certain way. If you wanna improve your game, my ultimate advice would be to talk to your partner.

When you have him that close and you’re kissing and touching the ‘right’ thing will happen.

Now, I don’t mean this in an evaluation kind of way but whilst you’re giving him a handjob or going down on him, ask him. Also, follow his cues: if he moans more when you do something, then do it more. If he moves your head then let him guide you because ultimately he’s been doing this for years and he knows what feels good.

Don’t just give all your attention to his penis, play with his balls as well, mix it up a little between your hand and your mouth and trust me, you’ll drive him wild. 

You’re welcome, 

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

My girlfriend and I recently started trying out oral sex. Truthfully, I’ve been struggling to know how to please her down-there. What can I do to make my girlfriend come? How do I start?

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Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

I got laid before marriage, and now I feel like I’m going to hell

[Image description: Woman in braids holds the branches of a tree.] via Unsplash
[Image description: Woman in braids holds the branches of a tree.] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange, 

Before I start, I want to set some context: I’m a religious person and faith is part of everything I do.

I’ve always felt like I’m going to go to hell because I had premarital sex. But it wasn’t something I actually wanted to do. My ex pressured me until I was convinced enough to have sex with him. How do I get rid of this guilt that’s eating me up every day? 

 

Signed,

Worried & Ashamed

________________________

Dear Worried & Ashamed, 

 

The first thing I would say is that I am so sorry for what happened to you. You did not want it to happen and I am sorry that he did not respect that you did not want to have sex with him. 

That’s completely messed up on his part.

Please recognize that you have nothing to feel guilty about – regardless of how religious you are. Yes, you had premarital sex but frankly, that was not your choice. Your ex talked you into it and that is more on him than it is on you. Having something taken from you can be traumatic and it is natural to blame yourself.

But let me repeat: This was not your fault. 

No matter what, “good” and “bad,” “heaven” or “hell” is not as black and white as we sometimes assume. The most important thing is context and intention. You did not want this to happen so why punish yourself for something that you couldn’t stop?

But let me repeat: This was not your fault. 

If you still don’t believe me, let’s walk through this: if you were robbed, would you punish yourself what happened? Of course not! You wouldn’t, so you shouldn’t punish yourself for something that you couldn’t stop. I wish that I could give you a step-by-step guide on how to get rid of the guilt but the only person who can do that is you. Recognize that this is not your fault and you could not stop it. 

Ultimately, I’ll end with this: if it’s at all possible, please – go to therapy. I understand that this is not always feasible, however, I think that this will really help with the guilt you are feeling and give you the support you need to heal.

And if you need it, I’m also adding in some resources for you to use should you need it – what happened to you is not normal, and you deserve to feel safe and unashamed – period.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network: www.rainn.org

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY), or visit thehotline.org

You’re welcome, 

Madame Lestrange 

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions by filling out our anonymous form.

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Love + Sex Love Advice

Is it alright to touch myself if I’ve never been with someone before?

[Image Description: Red-Headed woman holding a pin tulip. The image is taken from below the eyes.] Photo by Camila Damásio on Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange,

Is it alright to masturbate if I am a virgin?

Sincerely,

Unsure.

________

Dear Unsure,

Hell. YES.

Contrary to superstition, there is nothing wrong with masturbating when you are a virgin. In fact, it is an important part of understanding your own desires and feeling comfortable with your body before diving into bed with a partner. Masturbation is important and healthy and can be enjoyed by everyone regardless of their sexual history.

The best way to understand this is by first confronting how we perceive virginity in the first place. Virginity is a cultural concept, meaning that it is an idea that enforces a kind of normative femininity; the idea that a women’s sexuality is only valuable if it is “untouched,” “chaste,” or “pure.” Girls are taught from a very young age to value themselves based on how long they have kept their virginity; if you “lose it” too early you’re a slut, if you “lose it” too late you’re a prude. The reality is that we are in charge of how we manage our own bodies and no one, not even a religious authority, parents and guardians, or teachers, can tell us otherwise. When you throw out the whole concept of virginity you gain back your bodily agency.

Furthermore, virginity is also based on heteronormative ideals like the belief that virginity can only be broken by a penis entering a vagina. This is obviously not true for a number of reasons. Are lesbians virgins for their entire lives if they have never had sex with a man? The answer is no, of course not.

This brings us back to the question of masturbating as a “virgin.” If you’re worried about keeping your hymen intact, don’t worry! Everyone has a different hymen, some are small, big, some block the vaginal canal, and some are completely absent. The concept of breaking your hymen, and therefore your virginity, does not exist for everyone.

Alternatively, if you’re worried about whether masturbating affects the right to call yourself a virgin; it doesn’t. Again, virginity is a cultural concept, so you get to make the ultimate decision about how you choose to use and define your own body.

Don’t feel guilty about masturbating. It’s natural, normal, and a lot of fun. Go forth and enjoy!

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love + Sex Love Advice

My last relationship ended very badly, so how can I trust my new boyfriend?

Photo by Corey Motta on Unsplash
Photo by Corey Motta on Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m still in college, so I’ve only been in one relationship where I was sexually active. The fact that it ended very badly and I don’t like my ex anymore makes it feel all types of wrong and shameful, and I regret it a lot.

It’s scaring me off of being sexually intimate with someone I currently like. I don’t want to regret it in the same way, but I do genuinely like him and want to be closer. I feel really conflicted about what to do.

Help me, please!

Ashamed.

_________________________________

Dear Ashamed,

For people who want to have sex, becoming sexually active is an important time. We learn new things about ourselves, our partners, and how we want to explore intimacy, and this can be both liberating and isolating. Some of us find ourselves with partners that we feel we can be with forever, and who respect the vulnerability we consent to. But in some cases, we end up with partners who are just a phase, or, in your words, a regret.

The truth is that almost everyone goes through this in some way or another. For two human beings to be together in a solid, happy relationship forever is pretty bonkers if you think about it – we all have our flaws and then we choose to experience them with the same person for a lifetime. That’s a lot of commitment! But if and when it does work out, it’s magical beyond all possibilities.

As the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince/princess, but that process should not feel shameful in any way. You may have multiple sexual partners before you choose to “settle down,” if you choose to at all, and nothing about that makes you a bad person. Women, in particular, are constantly made to feel like they need to keep the number of their sexual partners low in order to still be considered “decent,” or not labeled a “slut,” and this is wrong on so many levels. The patriarchy makes us feel like we are only as valuable as the number of penises we allow into our bodies, but the truth is so damn different. We are the only ones who can dictate how we run our lives.

Your relationship with your ex may not have been perfect, and it can hurt, but don’t regret it. Life tends to throw us a number of good, bad, and mundane obstacles that teach us important lessons about ourselves and what we expect from others. Your previous relationship teaches you what you want and don’t want about your next relationship, and so on.

If you feel comfortable being intimate with your new beau, and both of you are consenting adults, I say go for it. Sure, you two may not be together for the rest of your lives, but you are an important moment to one another right now, and I say you should enjoy that as you want.

So my advice is: don’t be ashamed of your sexual history, have no regrets, learn from your mistake, and live in whatever way makes you happy. You are the only person who dictates your own life, so go forth and enjoy it!

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange.

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions about love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Mind Love + Sex Love Life Stories Advice

My parents got divorced when I was a little kid, so is my love life doomed to fail?

favim

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I grew up watching my parents marriage decay in front of me, watching their love turn into hate and their children wondering if it was their fault. As I grew up I never opened up to any guy, afraid to fall in love and watch my own love decay like my parents’ relationship. I watched my mum bounce from relationships and remarrying just for the love and affection to die.

I’m now in a relationship and he often talks about marriage and our future. I swore I’d never marry anyone but I’m now wondering if this love could last.

Is it possible for two people to love each other endlessly or is it just a stereotype that has brainwashed me from all the Disney movies, is there a happily ever after? Or is it just for a few years?

Love,

Anon x

————————————

Dear Anon,

Watching your parents’ marriage fall apart is no easy thing to witness. So many friends and family members of my own have gone through a divorce, heartbreak, and rebounds that ended badly. Your feelings of fear are legitimate, I mean, what other examples of lifelong love do you have?

I wish I could tell you that love is this everlasting flower that blooms and blooms even after we’re gone, but the truth is very different.

The truth is better.

So many of us get caught up in this belief that love is like a fairytale – quick, easy, and forever. But the truth is that relationships take a lot of work and commitment for them to flourish. That makes it sound like a drag, right? No one wants to feel like they have to work hard to make their relationships enjoyable, but we are all human at the end of the day. Being able to think about how to make your partner happy, how to be there for them even when times are tough, is so important for the growth of your relationship. And, of course, your partner has to do the exact same thing for you. Monogamous relationships are meant to be a commitment that two people share, which means both people have to put in the effort. So often we take each other for granted and then are surprised when things fall apart. We forget that if we want our love to last, we have to fight for it.

And sometimes we put in all the effort we can and things just… don’t feel right. Sometimes we feel like we enjoy spending time with our significant other, but we just don’t feel the same way we did all those years ago. Falling in and out of love is more normal than people think, but fairytales sell us the belief that we only have one soulmate, that we have to be steady and settle down with them, and that we need to devote our entire lives to them.

But again – we are all human. We feel attracted to many different people, for sex, love, friendship, or all of it. Sometimes we decide to settle down with someone and feel differently ten years down the line. Yes, it hurts, but it is also part of the magic that makes life beautiful. Out of pain can come incredible happiness – we just have to trust ourselves.

And sometimes it’s okay to be alone. Again, fairytales teach us that we have to find someone otherwise there’s something wrong with us. It’s always the wicked witch that lives alone in the woods, consumed by her loneliness. But why can’t she just enjoy her freedom and quiet in peace? Why is it that only when the princess finds her prince, she feels complete? It is perfectly normal to want to be alone. The “forever alone” rhetoric is forced on us every day, yet there are so many people who are living their best single lives. Pushing ourselves into relationships we aren’t ready for just to not feel lonely is what leads to their ultimate demise.

So, Anon, I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. I know you feel anxious about committing yourself to someone else, especially in something as big as marriage, but remember to trust yourself before anyone else. Trust the relationship you and your partner have before believing that you will have the same experience as your parents. If you love your partner, and you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with him – go for it! If you appreciate one another and maintain your love, you can have a prosperous life together. But go for it with the knowledge that if things don’t work out it wasn’t inevitable, it’s just a part of the wonderful thing we call life.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange.

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions about love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love + Sex Love Advice

How to know if you’re having the big O – because it isn’t always obvious

Photo by Keletso Rabalao on Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange,

My boyfriend and I have become recently sexually active, and there’s only one problem – I’ve never orgasmed before and have no idea what it feels like since I’ve never tried any “self-love.” So when the pleasure does start building up I feel like I need to pee (this is from pure clit stimulation).

What can I do to solve this? Is this how it’s supposed to feel? Because I really don’t want to have any kind of accident on him.

Sincerely,

Confused.

______________

Dear Confused,

The first time you orgasm can be terrifying and thrilling, especially if you’re doing it with a partner. There are so many reasons why it can be difficult to come for the first time and the lack of informed sex education we receive doesn’t make it any better.

But luckily, there are ways to overcome your anxiety and frustration, and have mind-blowing orgasms!

Firstly, “self-love,” as you call it, is extremely, extremely important. Not only will masturbation help you to discover what makes you tick, it’s also an important part of getting to know your body and feel comfortable in it. People underestimate how important it is to feel comfortable with and accept your body for the way it is, before jumping into sexual acts with a partner. No one can make you feel as beautiful as you are; you have to believe it yourself.

Masturbating also includes a slew of health benefits vital to your personal wellbeing. It can help prevent cervical infections, boost self-esteem, and is one of the safest forms of safe sex. Although it might not be that sexy to think about cervical infections leading up to the main event, it is important to understand how masturbating is not wrong and is nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, it’s good for your health!

You’ve also mentioned the feeling of needing to pee as you’re coming to a climax. For many people, this is perfectly natural. Not everyone’s bodies are built the same, so we experience orgasms differently too. I too feel like I need to pee when I’m about to climax and ejaculate or “squirt” upon completion.

This is another thing to be aware of. There is nothing wrong or embarrassing with ejaculating on or around your partner or yourself. Many people think of it as “pee” and feel embarrassed by it, but it is a natural part of some people’s orgasms. You may not do it all the time, but there’s nothing wrong with you if it does happen.

It is important for you and your partner to be accepting of one another during sexual play. Sometimes you might orgasm, sometimes you might not, but what’s important is that both of you are consenting and ready to enjoy your intimacy together.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange.

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions about love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love + Sex Love Advice

Here’s why dating scares you (and how to dump that fear!)

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Dear Madame Lestrange,

My mom and therapist say it’s time for me to start dating. I’m finishing up high school. They say it’s what people my age do, but I’m actually scared to be that emotionally invested in someone.

Any tips?

Thank you,

Scared to Date.

____________________________

Dear Scared to Date,

Dating can be scary, but it can also be exhilarating. The thing is that a lot of us have the wrong idea about what it means to go on a date. We have this image of a prospective partner surrounded by a hazy Hollywood glow. They’re funny, smart, and interesting, and they offer to pay for the bill. They’ll walk you home and, in a sweep of lusty excitement, will lay a life-changing kiss on your lips. The entire soundtrack from Twilight will play over and over again in your head the whole time.

And honestly? It could happen. You could have a romantic, perfect encounter on your first date, but you could also have a pretty boring time. Hell, you could even have a downright terrible time.

The fact is that the experience of dating is different for everyone. It’s meant to be fun because you get to meet new people, learn more about yourself, and gain some hilarious stories to take with you on life’s journey. So don’t overthink it.

But as much as this is true, you should date when you are ready for it. Some people choose to date in high school, some people choose to date in university. In fact, some people would rather wait until they’re done with their education to even consider going on a date.

And all of it is “normal.” Again, we have this idea in our minds about what is the normal thing to do, but the truth is that “normal” doesn’t really exist.

So find your own normal, girl. And when you do, revel in it.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange.

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.