life possibilities – The Tempest

I’ve always been a little hesitant and unsure of myself. When I started telling people that I planned on studying abroad for the Fall 2019 semester in Madrid, I could tell that they were worried. I mean, how was I going to survive alone? I wasn’t fluent in Spanish, I didn’t know anyone else that was in my program, and I don’t exactly have a plethora of common sense – I’m more book-smart. I think that part of it was that they didn’t want me to get my hopes up. Studying abroad could be a really great experience or a really terrible one, and there wasn’t room for anything in between.

But, I was determined to prove them wrong. I always have been. Ever since I was little I’ve always felt that people saw my capabilities as one-sided. I could do this but never that. To me, it seemed like an expectation thing. No one expected me to be so independent and sturdy, especially when I appeared in front of them as fragile or sensitive.

The truth is that I had never been given the chance to prove myself in this capacity. The second that I took too long or wasn’t doing something precisely the way that someone else would, they took over. And, as a result, I became apprehensive, kind of shy, and extremely nervous.

However, it turns out that I was right. I had been largely independent all along, and studying abroad was a great idea. I slowly realized that I could do anything I set my mind to, even this, all the while holding on tightly to my emotional tendencies. I learned a lot about myself while basking in the Mediterranean sun.

During my time in Madrid, I met people and made connections in ways that are indescribable. I don’t know if it is because I finally found myself in a situation in which I was free from implicit restraints and boundaries or if I became a product of my surroundings. But, I am sure of at least one thing, that being that I was entering a moment in which I was young enough to still have the ignorant belief that nothing mattered, but also wise enough to know that everything mattered much more than it had ever before. There were so many things, and so many people, clawing at me and insisting for my attention, and I finally let go.

For the first time I acknowledged the positivism of this sweet, even blissful, point in my life—one that I may never get again. So, I gave in to the extremities. In doing so, the whole world opened up. I found security in empathy, I learned about ambition, self-awareness, and I felt genuine longing for the first time. I spent days dancing in streets that were once touched by Goya, Ernest Hemingway, and Velasquez. I read poems by Pablo Neruda on the metro and I ate TONS of churros con chocolate.

What I found to be the most pivotal about my experience in Madrid, though, would be living in a home-stay. This is where I spent the most time, had the most laughs, and learned the most about myself. The day after landing in Madrid I met my host family and moved into their home. While they didn’t speak any English at all, and whatever Spanish I did know I forgot the second I opened my mouth, we managed to work through it.

I knew I wanted to build a relationship with them, but before I could do that, I had to conquer my own confidence battle. I had to remind myself that yes, they were strangers with whom I would be living with for months, but I was also a stranger to them. Frankly, we were all in the same boat. Eventually, I got used to their habits, learned their family traditions, and studied their culture until I felt like I belonged there. They made me feel like I was as much a Madrileño as they are.

At dinner, my host parents would always ask about my day, my classes, and if I was up to anything fun. On the weekends, they would recommend countless restaurants or art museums to my friends and I, and then ask me if I liked it the next day. They even comforted me when I felt overwhelmed or insecure. What I appreciated the most, however, is that they actually listened to my stories, which I am sure that I told in broken Spanish, and always seemed interested.

We really grew to love and care for one another. In those four short months I am sure that they watched me grow exponentially. I truly became myself and started to feel comfortable in my own skin. Plus, I came out being able to speak and communicate in Spanish light-years beyond my ability from when I first arrived in Madrid.

My memories from this time in my life are whole, and they always will be whole. I’m finally able to show off my independence and I’m never turning back. This just goes to show that a little bit of introspection and determination could go a long way. Of course, I was scared to be alone and so far away but I knew that it was what I needed. Once I convinced myself to just rip off the band-aid my possibilities for personal growth became endless.

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Ever wonder what it’s like to live with a constantly negative family?

Exhausting.

Living with their doubts, hesitation, and worry was a constant drain.

That’s how my parents were raised. And they were raising us, their children, the same way. But unlike all my siblings, I resisted.

Since I was a kid, I had a desire to achieve a lot of things. The determination in me was already strong although I hadn’t found any particular passion yet. One day, my parents brought home a beautiful oil painting, and suddenly something sparked in me. I knew I’d finally found my passion – the arts.

I told my parents about my dreams of becoming a successful artist. But their answer was disappointing.

“Honey, drawing isn’t a good job. You cannot be successful by drawing.”

Those were my mother’s exact words. Being a little, naive girl, I believed her. My parents suggested more promising careers such as a doctor, businesswoman or lawyer. Even though none of these were appealing to me, I still tried to give up that dream of being an artist.

But the passion in me was difficult to resist.

As I grew up, I started to wonder if it was possible for me to make a career out of art. But being raised by parents who never believed in unlimited possibilities had planted uncertainties in my mind. My urge to follow my heart was strong, but my hesitation was just as powerful as my desire. There was a constant battle between passion and doubts in my head.

When I was 13, I won first prize in an art competition. I felt my talent had proved to be outstanding, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Ecstatic with my achievement, I shared it with my family. The least I expected was for them to say “good job.”

Apparently, I was expecting too much.

They said nothing. My sister said it was only art, which was nothing to be proud of. Unless I proved my intellect by debates or science competitions they wouldn’t be pleased.

That’s when I realized that my family was so negative that they failed to see the good in anything. They loved to talk about how bad things were, but when something positive happened, they’d either put a negative spin on it or say nothing. Nothing good ever came from them.

My relationship with my family turned cold. They couldn’t agree with me about anything. Whenever I saw possibilities, all they could see were problems.

As the end of high school grew closer, I wanted to decide my future, but my parents wanted to do it for me. To them, an art major was a good-for-nothing. They wanted me to follow my sister’s steps by choosing ‘promising’ major in college.

They were pressuring me to the point where I couldn’t deal with them anymore.

I’d made my final decision even though I knew they wouldn’t like it.

I chose arts and decided to pick a university far away from home. As expected, none of them liked my decision but I couldn’t let their negativity dictate my life anymore.

We are different in almost every way but in the end, they are still my family. I can’t cut them off my life no matter how negative they are. I can’t change them and their negativity, but I can choose to live my life in a completely different way.

And maybe one day, my positivity and determination will show them that not everything is as bleak as they think.