Tag: innovation

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Editor's Picks TV Shows Movies Pop Culture

Millions watch “Love Island” for the lust and heartbreak, but what about the violence?

[Image description: The cast of Love Island pose for a publicity image.] Via ITV.
[Image description: The cast of Love Island pose for a publicity image.] Via ITV.

Quentin Tarantino’s ninth movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, boasts the three M’s: Magnificent Brad, Marvellous Leo, and the queen Margot Robbie. On my way down to London a few weeks ago, I listened to an interview with three of the cast on Radio 4. 

Five minutes in, the typical Tarantino question came up: “What effect do you think the violence of these films has on those who watch it?”

Why can’t I bring myself to care about this question? I thought.

Really, it’s the kind of question that’s repeatedly asked by interviewers who can’t think of anything original to ask.

Here’s the thing, though: the problems we have as a society run deeper than the possibility your neighbor may be inclined to blow your face off a la The Hateful Eight. Rather, they stem from mental health and wellbeing issues. A case where reality TV shows like Love Island are far more harmful to a person’s psyche than a Tarantino movie. 

Is it easier to pick apart an obviously fictional film than a show that supposedly depicts real people?

Collectively, we see a much larger scale of viewership for reality shows than those who visit or watch full movies. In fact, reality TV consistently ranked in the top ten most viewed cable shows in 2018 on Sunday nights. Americans are also spending ⅓ of their free time watching reality TV shows. Just in July, Love Island reached its highest-ever ratings of over six million viewers.

With our screen time so saturated with such shows, why are we not directing the same line of questioning to their TV producers? Especially when this blurred line between reality and fiction is where the danger lies. Is it easier to pick apart an obviously fictional film than a show that supposedly depicts real people?

Scientific research shows that while it is hard to tell if there is a correlation between watching violent movies and actual violence, younger kids are most susceptible when they cannot distinguish between reality and fiction: reality shows where fiction is passed off as reality.

It was huge news when Made In Chelsea (MIC) revealed that some scenes were made for “viewers’ entertainment.” Since then, The Only Way is Essex and MIC always qualify the realism before each show with a title shot. Where is this for Love Island?

Model Tyla Carr, who appeared in the 2017 series of Love Island, revealed that producers would prompt islanders to have certain conversations, going as far as repeating break-ups if they weren’t properly filmed the first time. The show wants to create an exciting narrative yet depicts participants in one-dimensional and pre-determined lights to fit a scene which is detrimental to both contestant and viewer.

Love Island, as a rule, also never shows lunchtime – it’s too boring. Too normal. Reality shows are like a video version of social media then, only showing the highlights. This wouldn’t be so bad if the shows were classed as fiction – like a say a Tarantino film – but they’re not.

Body image issues are stemming from the daily dose of six-packs and perky, tight bums.

What danger has the misrepresentation of a fictional genre as reality TV created? For starters, young impressionable viewers are given unrealistic expectations of how to look and behave.

 

Body image issues are stemming from the daily dose of six-packs and perky, tight bums. Google is flooded with publications – Cosmopolitan, The Independent, and Glamour – highlighting the mental health and body issues that have stemmed from the show. Cosmopolitan, in particular, warn readers of the “The Love Island Effect,” a phrase coined by Food Psychologist and previous Bake-Off finalist Kimberly Wilson.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bjo2DfbApWq/?utm_source=ig_embed

Posts are continuously popping up advising young people on coping with the promotion of unrealistic body types.

Young Minds recently published such a post by a 17-year-old writer. She wrote that “for two months, we are being continually inundated with uniform body types, far from the diverse society that we live in… we must always remind ourselves that what we are seeing on our screens is far from reality.”

Love Island couldn’t be further from reality and yet, it’s still classed as a reality show. We know it’s been curated for our enjoyment but insecurities quickly rise as the show’s popularity does. 

The interactions of the contestants also encourage toxic relationships, show horrific ways of handling conflict, and glamorizes aggressive confrontation. Two years ago, one male contestant called a female contestant a slag.

Then, in the fifth season, contestant Amber Gill tried to convince viewers and contestants that another contestant, Danny Williams, was causing a problem. Contestant Anna Vakili added to that by dismissing him childishly, repeatedly waving and patronizingly saying “bye” as he conversed with Amber.

 

 

With over half a million views on YouTube, you start to wonder what our youth are being taught regarding ideal ways to navigate social situations in the real world.

With the moments of redemption few and far in between, one of the most telling signs of the show’s insidious nature can be seen in the fact that both Sophie Gradon and Mike Thalassitis, past Love Island contestants, took their own lives within one year of each other.

Reality shows, then, are equally harmful to contestants. The aforementioned Instagram post also references past contestant Simon Searles who revealed, “[the boys would] be working out like crazy during the day trying to stay in shape. They wouldn’t eat anything.”

Not everyone agrees that this smudging of reality with fiction is negative, though.

Ophelia Stimpson, a 25-year-old Oxford grad viewer of Love Island, says the show is “clever” for creating “a theater which panders to ‘intelligent’ viewers.” Stimpson finds it “interesting” that “it actually refers to the people in it as the ‘cast’ and ‘characters’, and that “it’s hilarious [that] the way it’s edited makes it look like they can only comprehend the situation in front of them, with zero emotional depth.”

Tarantino has always been crystal clear about the difference between his reality and fiction.

Hilarious maybe for some, (though how arrogant do you have to be to call them intelligent) but I have an inkling this Roman-like position of letting the masses battle for your enjoyment is not taking into account the bigger picture.

Why is a Tarantino film not nearly as sinister as Love Island, then? Well, where reality shows purposefully blur the line, Tarantino has always been crystal clear about the difference between his reality and fiction.

Plus Size Clothing

“I abhor violence in real life and love it in the genre,” he’s said on multiple occasions. His love for violence stems from a love for “good cinema”, not a desire to see it in reality. He has attended rallies against police brutality and repeatedly called out America for not discussing its racist past – something he’s even tackled with Django Unchained. 

Interviewers and critics are comfortable asking the hard questions to the producers who are used to answering them, but where are the same questions to reality show producers? Mental health and body issues are topics far more relevant to our society in 2019 than a tenuous link between violence and violence genre.

As the popularity of reality shows grow, we deserve an answer and some responsibility from the top dogs who create them.

Categories
Health Care

Stop shaming women for self diagnosing health issues

Woman with pale skin and blonde hair looking pensively at a computer
[Image description: Woman with pale skin and blonde hair looking pensively at a computer] via Pexels

After being hospitalized for over a week due to mysterious symptoms, I was concerned about what health condition was making me sick, but was hopeful that the rheumatologist that I was going to meet with would help me figure out what was wrong. Instead, what came out of his mouth still makes me angry to this day.

“I think you’re just anxious.”

I didn’t believe him, and I knew that I had some sort of physical illness. After a year of being brushed aside by doctors, I had decided to leave my university to seek medical care elsewhere. Although I was not diagnosed by a doctor, I knew that my symptoms lined up with an autoimmune disease. I had to self diagnose myself with an autoimmune disorder, albeit one I didn’t know the name of, because it in part legitimized my symptoms and allowed myself to more firmly express my concerns to other doctors. And it turns out I was right – a doctor later confirmed that I have systemic urticarial vasculitis.

Self-diagnosing is not something that many people want to do, but it is something that some ill people, particularly women, may feel forced to do. A study published in February 2019 in Nature Communications found that on average, it takes women four more years to get diagnosed with the same condition.* That statistic basically screams that there are problems in medicine when it comes to diagnosing women with health issues.

Women cannot be expected to wait and suffer. For some health conditions, waiting too long can prove fatal, like my undiagnosed autoimmune disease nearly became due to lack of treatment. As Last Week Tonight episode “Bias in Medicine” points out, women are far too often seen as emotional by doctors for very real physical health issues, which greatly impacts the care we receive.

I had joined Facebook groups for people with various autoimmune diseases after getting sick to try and see how fellow chronically ill people, and particularly women, were able to get diagnosed with whatever disease or diseases they had. It soon became clear that many women in these groups were originally in my shoes and had to try and self-diagnose themselves because they too had been similarly brushed off by doctors.

I was eventually able to find a doctor who took my symptoms seriously and my journey of self-diagnosis came to an end. This doctor completely understood my desire to come to the conclusion that I had an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, as my symptoms and inflammatory markers pointed to that. A biopsy was performed and my autoimmune disorder was formally diagnosed.

More than a year after getting diagnosed, I still question how long it would have taken to get diagnosed with vasculitis if I was a man, not a young woman. In a perfect non sexist world, self diagnosing would not have to exist, because women would not be brushed off as hysterical and would have their symptoms being taken seriously.

Until then, women like myself should not be faulted for wanting to find answers for their very real health problems, even if we do not have medical degrees.

*There are unfortunately no studies comparing the length it takes for nonbinary people to get diagnosed with health issues in comparison to men and women – which is an issue in itself. 

Categories
Culture Life

This is how it feels to be pulled between science and humanities

A white, brunette woman is in thought as she rest the end of a pen against her lip. In front of her, on a desk, is a notebook.
[Image description: A white, brunette woman is in thought as she rest the end of a pen against her lip. In front of her, on a desk, is a notebook.] Via Karolina Grabowska on Pixabay

When I was six, my mom gave me Matilda by Roald Dahl to read and I fell asleep reading it.

A few days later, I picked it up once more. This time when I read it, I found myself so lost in the text that my mom had to tell me to stop and go to sleep or I wouldn’t be able to wake up the next morning – so began my love for reading books, which then led to an interest in illustration and my love for literature.

More importantly, I decided that when I grew up, writing would be my profession. There was something about creative people that I wanted to emulate, their ability to transport you anywhere in any time, like some sort of time machine super power.

I didn’t waver from that decision even when I heard stories of “struggling artists” and “living in a box” all over media. However, when I was 15, I started thinking practically and chose the Sciences path for my future instead. Let me be clear though, by “practically”, I don’t mean you can’t make writing your career and be successful. I meant that there were two things I loved studying – biology and literature – and I thought if I took Sciences I could continue to enjoy both things.

What no one tells you, however, is how difficult it is to fit into both the sciences and humanities groups at the same time.

As my tables filled with books on chemical reactions and the cardiovascular system, my books filled with poems and paintings. During exam season, while watching a video on organic chemistry for the hundredth time, I would paint flowers in my books. During vacation, when I painted and wrote every day, I also bought a book on genetics to help fill a void. And while my science friends mocked subjects like literature and sociology, my humanities friends rolled their eyes at the sciences, saying that the belief of only a science path leading to a successful future was increasingly frustrating.

Many students who take the science route consider those who take humanities to be wasting their time. This is because many people equate success with earning money and argue that the sciences route will give them access to such jobs. As a result being, a science student is thought to be something to be proud of while humanities as something to be weary of.

As ridiculous as it is to belittle what one likes to study is, unfortunately it still happens. And being somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, I’ve had a chance to experience both fields and their attached stigmas.

Why can’t everyone simply respect whatever others choose to learn and dedicate their time to?

You can be a scientist who enjoys fictional stories or a painter who runs a website about different scientific theories. In a world where being a Youtuber is now considered a legitimate, full-time profession, it’s silly to continue to believe that the only lucrative profession to pursue is within sciences.

Personally, for me, the ability and need to write while being a science student was vital. While studying in school, I made sure to involve myself in clubs, societies, and random competitions of writing. I applied to The Tempest and got to write articles about anything I’m fascinated in, even if didn’t relate to my studies – this is how I kept my balance.

And if you think about it, really, shouldn’t these two things go hand in hand with each other?

To understand emotions, people, and feelings, you need history, you need sociology, you need literature. To understand how things work, to progress, to advance, we need to involve ourselves in its scientific aspect. We might not realize it but we need both to keep the balance.

Categories
Shopping Makeup Under $50 Style & Beauty Beauty Beauty Lookbook

10 nude lipstick shades that look absolutely perfect on brown skin tones

[Image description: A woman's lips are visible, wearing a perfect nude lipstick. Next to her, a matte nude lipstick.] via Unsplash
[Image description: A woman's lips are visible, wearing a perfect nude lipstick. Next to her, a matte nude lipstick.] via Unsplash

Beauty trends come and go, and a good nude shade never dies out.

But when you’re a brown girl, you absolutely know the struggle of finding the perfect nude lip shade that suits our lips and complexion.

Tumblr.com

I say this with conviction, because us brown girls sometimes have not one, but two shades on our lips.

What I mean by this is that the outer rim of our lips can be a little darker while the inner pigment of the lips can be lighter. This could be a bit of a struggle when wearing a nude lip because the nude shade could look like a completely different color when worn – and can often not look like a “nude” shade at all.

And let’s be honest – half the “nude” shades out there cater to lighter skin tones (ahem, hence #notmynude).

This makes it really hard for us girls with a little melanin because these shades eventually either wash us out or make us look like we have ashy lips – and that is just not cute!

But my brown ladies, don’t fret!

I am here to make finding the perfect shade of nude for you a little easier, because I know just how much mainstream makeup brands don’t care to cater to girls with our skin tones!

STEP ONE: Get that lipliner going.

When wearing lighter nude shades, it’s better to line your lips with a brown lip liner. This ensures that the lipstick will stay its true pigment when worn.

Use the L’Oreal Paris Colour Riche Lip Liner in nude, as it’ll perfectly define your lips before the big show.

via glossypolish.com
via glossypolish.com

This color is perfect to wear as a base, especially before wearing a cool-toned nude shade so it doesn’t wash you out. As an added plus, it is versatile. This silky nude can complement fair as well as dusky skin tones and is also on the budget-friendly side.

What people are saying: “I saw a beauty tutorial where the makeup artist recommended this brand and color because it goes so well with multiple colors- she was right! I have 3 favorite lipstick colors and this nude color enables me to add definition and blends well, no matter what color lipstick I use.” – D.S. Rogers

Price: $11.64+ (available in twelve colors)

Or snag the classic MAC lip pencil in Chestnut, which is both reliable and beautiful with any shade of lipstick.

via Amazon
via Amazon

Chestnut is a super intense dark brown. This suits especially darker skin tones when wearing a lighter lip shade. Wearing this under any nude shade intensifies the look and flatters brown skin.

What people are saying: “I highly recommend this lip liner as it’s not too drying and such a gorgeous color! it looks natural on and it’s long-lasting! Even after I had breakfast and lunch, it was still on my lips.” – Andrea T.

Price: $26.80

(Important note: if you want something more on the cheaper end, you could always use any dark brown eyeliner as a lip liner. Yes, ladies, it works just as good as a lip liner.)

STEP TWO: Lipsticks galore!

Without further ado, here are the lipsticks to bring you to the next level. May you rock these nude shades in all the fabulousness that you are!

This MAC Velvetease lip pencil gives your lips a gorgeous stain while staying balmy.

via Amazon
via Amazon

This lip pencil is a muted brown with warm peachy undertones. The texture of this on your lips is super velvet-like but still matte on the lips. It is not too pigmented, which allows you to choose the intensity of the color depending on the look you are going for.

What people are saying: “MAC products are the best. This impressive lip liner is thick like a crayon; not easily broken, no sharpener needed, easy application.” – Bell

Price: $21.59

Or keep it classic with a dusky brown MAC lipstick that perfectly complements the look you’re going for.

via Amazon, YazMakeUpArtist
via Amazon, YazMakeUpArtist

This lipstick taupe color stays true to its name with its deeper brown and reddish undertone. This shade could look slightly different depending on the individual wearing it, meaning it could look browner or include a hint a little reddish/pink tone for darker skin tones. However, this shade is flattering to a variety of skin tones.

What people are saying: “I had to have it. Can’t believe the price. It is very hydrating and seems to stay for a long time. I am going to stock up before they sell out.” – Catrine

Price: $24.63

The Milani Color Statement Lipstick is a moisturizing slap-on-and-go lipstick for any occasion.

via Amazon
via Amazon

This lipstick is a deeper muted brown with a pink undertone and is one of my all-time favorites – even though this shade isn’t a true nude and has a pink/brown tone tint. It looks like a dusty rose color when worn on the lips, which compliments darker complexions.

What people are saying: “This is a pretty good lipstick for the formula. It’s moisturizing but doesn’t move around on my lips like a lot of other brands have. The color is very natural and has a nice sheen to it. I recommend this to anyone looking for a satin/glossy lip.” – Ray

Price: $5.99+ (available in 32 colors)

And the Smashbox Be Legendary cream lipstick is perfect for both your day and night looks.

via Amazon
via Amazon

This lippie is a subtle soft nude shade with buildable color depending on your preference and can be worn just on its own. It has such a smooth formula that doesn’t have a dry feeling on the lips. And for those that like minimal makeup, a little goes a long way with this product.

What people are saying: “I just purchased this and Iove it! I have dark brown skin (I’m South American) and ‘Warrior Pose’ is the perfect nude for my skin tone. I’ll have to buy another since a true nude for my skin is so hard to find. It’s an amazing color for dark skin. Smashbox: More nudes for us gals please!” —sandy

Price: $16.80

Or go for a swipe of Wet ‘n’ Wild Megalast Matte. It’s amazing – and they prove it with this perfect nude lip color.

via Amazon, desigal1010
via Amazon, desigal1010

A great everyday matte browny pink nude, suitable for a range of skin tones. I especially love that it doesn’t look too dry on the lips or too glossy – but looks just right.

What people are saying: “To be so inexpensive, Wet n Wild is super great. I’ve used their products for years simply because they last forever, colors are true and up-to-date, timeless and they deliver as advertised. It’s my “go-to” lipstick! – Diandra

Price: $4.43

Lime Crime Velvetines liquid matte lipstick is a fave of mine that’s perfect, whether you’re looking for a nude shade or a statement-making pop.

via Amazon
via Amazon

This is a liquid matte lipstick with a velvet finish in a warm brown with buildable pigment. This is a true nude on brown skin and a perfect 90’s grunge shade that suits all skin tones. The formula is thin and doesn’t look cakey on the lips, which is one of the reasons why I, as a brown girl, love it. This would easily be a crowd favorite if more knew about it.

What people are saying: “Love it! I’m a waitress and nothing is worse than going in front of your tables with cracked/peeling/faded lip color. But I don’t even have to check my compact with this stuff on my lips! I love how vibrant it is too! Where has this been all my life?” – Erynn

Price: $20.00

Or use Anastasia Beverly Hills, which has the perfect four-piece nude lip set if you’re still deciding which shade you love most. 

via Amazon
via Amazon

When I was first starting out on my lippie journey, this helped me out. The limited-edition set features 4 travel-size matte lipstick nude shades. Each shade delivers full-pigment lip color with a smooth, ultra-matte finish.

What people are saying: “Super soft, very pretty. The colors also layer nicely if you want to do an ombre lippie. I love these lipsticks.” – Beatrice

Price: $21.00+ (available in three colors)

For the perfect light nude, Colourpop x Karrueche’s liquid lipstick delivers – and stays on perfectly. 

via Amazon
via Amazon

This liquid lipstick is a cool-toned nude-beige. Chi is recommended to be worn with a darker lip liner because of how light the shade is (which can wash you out depending on how dark your skin is); however, this can be worn on its own by some.

For those looking for a lighter shade of nude, this is the shade for you.

What people are saying: “This is my favorite lipstick I always buy two at a time because I hate to run out. It looks so dang good on me… what can I say lol..I love this lipstick.” – Eva Lee

Price: $11.68+ (available in eight colors)

You can never fail with COVERGIRL, and this smooth matte lipstick is no different. 

via Amazon
via Amazon

This is absolutely the best formula of matte lipstick I’ve tried. I love the wand, the color, the packaging, the smell, the staying power, and the way it feels on my lips. It is dry, but it dries SOFT, not hard, and it doesn’t cause my lips to shrivel up.

What people are saying: “I absolutely love this product. Long-lasting never works on me but this goes on smooth, once it dries I put on a layer of chapstick and it doesn’t dry my lips out at all. It lasts all day and color is even and beautiful. I never write reviews but since there were many so so reviews in here I had to write about how much I love this!” – Customer

Price: $5.41+ (available in sixteen colors)

Last thing? Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick, a creamy lippie that can last for up to 12 hours and just might be a magical, confidence-boosting potion.

via Amazon, makeupandbeautyblog.com
via Amazon, makeupandbeautyblog.com

Last, but not least, this is subtle sheer brown lipstick beauty with a cool undertone. Mink not only has buildable pigment but can also be worn with or without a lip liner.

If you want a more natural or subtle lip color – as well as a cheaper alternative – this option is for you.

What people are saying: “I freaking love this lipstick. I bought it (hesitantly) after watching a YouTube beauty video. I have brown skin, so it’s usually hard for me to buy products that I can’t see on because so often the colors are just wrong for me. BUT THIS PRODUCT IS GREAT FOR ME!!!! I have a caramel-y skin color, and this color is the perfect mauve-y nude for me. It’s the lipstick I reach for the most, and I’m so sure I’ll purchase it again. The matte doesn’t dry your lips out, the pigmentation payoff is impressive for a drugstore brand, and it’s creamy for a long time before mattifying. I’m obsessed.” — Sanjay Gangal

Price: $4.99+ (available in 35 shades)

 

As The Tempest editors, we independently select and write about stuff we love and think you’ll love, too. Just so you know, The Tempest may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Heads up — prices are accurate and items in stock as of the time of publication.
Categories
Weddings

Proposing in public is awful – here’s why you should never do it

[Image description: Man seems sad after a proposal while a woman walks away.] via Youtube
[Image description: Man seems sad after a proposal while a woman walks away.] via Youtube

At the 2016 Rio Olympics, Chinese diver He Zi took home the silver.

Following years of training and fierce competition, she was dubbed second best in the world in the three-meter springboard dive. After stepping down from the podium though, she found fellow Olympic athlete and long-time boyfriend, Qin Ka, down on one knee, proposing.

Imagine being upstaged by your significant other during a defining moment of your career.

That is a day He Zi will forever look back on and see, not only her crowning achievement but the day that her boyfriend proposed. If might just be me, but I think those things could easily have been on two separate days.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a sweet moment (she said yes, for one). For years, though, the word on public engagements has been a resounding “no” with feminist writers detecting hints of manipulation in what should be a sweet and significant moment for the couple. 

But the brides have had their say too. According to David’s Bridal’s “What’s On Brides’ Minds” survey, brides overwhelmingly prefer a more personal, private proposal. 80% said they would scoff at a public Facebook proposal, 63% would not want to be proposed to on a jumbotron, and 57% of the respondents would not want to be proposed to via flashmob. 

And with good reasons.

Number one is public pressure.

Imagine being surprise proposed to by your significant other in front of a crowd of strangers. Your response has to be “yes” because if it isn’t, the whole situation will be awkward. The public pressure, then, is definitely manipulative because if you wanted to say no to the engagement, you risk embarrassing yourself and your partner, as well as hurting your partner’s feelings.

There is enough pressure in a private setting without doing that in front of other people.

Another key reason brides tend to stray away from public proposals is the stage fright. She won’t be able to savor the moment if she feels like she’s on stage, even if she wants to say yes. 

“I think the biggest thing you can do to help a marriage is to have absolute privacy [for the proposal],” said Calgary-based marriage conflict specialist, Debra Macleod. Macleod has had clients whose marriage began with a showy proposal only to have one of the partners be quietly resentful that their “private moment” had been transformed into a public spectacle.

So, if the evidence clearly states that public proposals are a no-go, why do people continue to propose in that way?

Take Bharat and Romi, a beautiful couple that was engaged recently. By the end of Bharat’s flashmob engagement at the Leicester Square Christmas Festival, the pair looked extraordinarily happy. Romi was definitely surprised but seemed genuinely happy as well.

If you remove everything I previously stated – the pressure, the stage fright, the manipulation – this engagement was perfect. It feels like a romantic movie moment from the 1980s where the woman had no doubts that this is who she wanted to be with and had no worries about being in front of a crowd. 

The main issue with public proposals, though, is consent.

Yes, I get it. It is meant as a romantic gesture but too many proposals are complete surprises to the significant others, and too many of those proposals are done in front of crowds of friends, family, or strangers.

As one Redditor points out, a general rule of thumb is that the proposal itself should not be a surprise. The couple should have a discussion about marriage and if that is the direction they’d like to go in, the creativity can start from there, based on your partner’s interests.

If Romi was interested in romantic gestures then, Bharat did an amazing job.

Engagements are beautiful. It’s a moment that is meant to signify the rest of your lives. It’s for the couple – however the couple wants to express it.

But if you’re going to propose in public, be sure your fiance-to-be will be comfortable with it.

Categories
Book Reviews Books Pop Culture

“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” tells us struggle makes us who we are

[Image description: A black woman is sitting in front of rows of potted plants. In her right hand, she holds a copy of The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck. Her left hand is on the hinge of her glasses.] Via blackandbrownlove on Tumblr
[Image description: A black woman is sitting in front of rows of potted plants. In her right hand, she holds a copy of The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck. Her left hand is on the hinge of her glasses.] Via blackandbrownlove on Tumblr

Think positive and positive things will happen. How many variations of this advice have you heard? Has it worked?

“Fuck positivity,” said Mark Manson, a blogger and author of self-help novel The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. “Let’s be honest, shit is fucked and we have to live with it.” 

Perhaps crassly put, but Manson hit the nail on the head with this insight which is the overarching theme of TSANGF. As a society, many of us are prone to sugarcoating the harsh realities of life. For our friends, our family, and even ourselves. We tell ourselves to chin up, to give off good vibes and work hard to be, and do, better. 

“Let’s be honest, shit is fucked and we have to live with it.” – Mark Manson

That is good advice. However, philosophy isn’t one-size-fits-all. If you’re someone who prefers being hit with harsh alternatives – someone who’d rather learn to stomach the lemons than make lemonade – then TSANGF might be the self-help book for you. 

A word soup of cussing, sarcasm and humor, Manson rips the bandaid right off in the first chapter by pointing out a simple truth. 

“Our culture today is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations: Be happier. Be healthier. Be the best, better than the rest. Be smarter, faster, richer, sexier, more popular, more productive, more envied, and more admired,” wrote Manson (p. 3).

“But when you stop and really think about it, conventional life advice—all the positive and happy self-help stuff we hear all the time—is actually fixating on what you lack.” (p. 4)

It tells us what we should be – positive, happier, richer etc – and emphasizes that we have yet to reach it. We have failed. Essentially, we’re negatively impacting our mental health by taking on unnecessary and superficial stresses. Or, in other words, by giving a fuck about everything. 

“The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important,” wrote the blogger (p. 5).

Manson’s work is quirky and accessible, his voice taking on the conversational tone of a no-bullshit friend who’s out to set the record straight. His work, described by himself as “a counterintuitive approach to living a good life”, begins by introducing readers to the concept of ‘The Feedback Loop from Hell’ wherein we get stuck in an overlap of emotions and begin to run circles within ourselves.

A situation where a thought on your thoughts snowballs until you find yourself repeatedly stacking on. Like feeling angry and then getting angry about being angry, or being anxious and then getting anxious about your anxiety. And then we feel bad because why are we like this? Why do we allow ourselves to fester in negativity? Manson argues that the most effective way to short-circuit the Loop is to simply embrace the “shit”.  

“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience,” he argues. “[And] to not give a fuck is to stare down life’s most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action.” (pp. 9-12)

Without struggle we won’t really achieve anything worth achieving but we must first figure out what’s worth the struggle, what’s worth giving a fuck about.

And on Manson goes, using anecdotes involving a Disappointment Panda – a superhero whose superpower would be to tell people harsh truths about themselves that they don’t want to hear but need to accept. Further on, Manson emphasizes the importance of struggles and how things fall apart, discusses the tyranny of exceptionalism, and consistently argues that it is only through the negative experiences that we will achieve the positive we desire.

TSANGF, though, is not exactly unique. Its content isn’t new, the package is. And the voice used to deliver it holds an appeal to it that makes the book charming and fun to read. Ultimately, it’s the humor and creativity which makes this self-help novel worth a read. 

In a nutshell, TSANGF posits that without struggle we won’t really achieve anything worth achieving but we must first figure out what’s worth the struggle, what’s worth giving a fuck about.

Want more book recommendations? Check out our first ever global Reading Challenge!

Get The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck here for $10.87.

Categories
Editor's Picks Startups Tech Now + Beyond

Womena’s accelerator just welcomed their 2019 cohort of women-run startups

[Image description: Cohort of female-led startups.] via Womena
[Image description: Cohort of female-led startups.] via Womena

Startup culture is fraught with unhealthy working patterns, ruthless competitiveness, and a macho social scene. In the US, women-led startups received only 2.2% of funding, while women-led startups (with no male founders) received only 3.4% of funding in 2018.

Doing their part in bringing women-led startups to the forefront is Middle East-based media company, Womena, with its four-month tech-focused accelerator, Womentum.

Every round, eight early-stage startups are chosen and immersed in two different ecosystems: first in Berlin and then Dubai. The cohort is introduced to investors, provided mentorship and access to global markets to equip them with the tools necessary to continue growing following the program. In the words of the founder, Elissa Freiha, “Womena has built a program that we felt was lacking in the regional ecosystem focused on female-led startups.”

In addition to the accelerator, Womena films the entire process. “In Season 2, Womena will take an even deeper look at the founders and their businesses,” said Amira Salah-Ahmed, Womena’s Chief Media Officer. Ultimately, when it comes to these female-founded startups, we could all learn a thing or two from them.

 

Michella Aboujawdeh: Co-Founder & CEO of Digital Construction Toolbox

Michella Aboujawdeh, a brown-haired brown woman, is giving an engaging demonstration on stage to an audience. She is wearing a navy top.
[Image description: Michella Aboujawdeh, a brown-haired brown woman, is giving an engaging demonstration on stage to an audience. She is wearing a navy top.] Via DCT
Co-founded by Aboujawdeh and Joe Harb (CTO), the Lebanese start-up Digital Construction Toolbox (DCT) aims to digitize the construction industry with its customizable product management tool.

The need came from recognizing the lack of real-time data in the construction industry, which often resulted in last-minute, ad-hoc changes as an impulsive response. DCT works to battle said impulsivity with its wicked AI tech to automate workflows.

Farah Emara: Co-Founder & CEO of FreshSource

[Image Description: Farah Emara on the left wears a red scarf and her brother Omar Emara on the right wears a blue shirt and a hat]
[Image description: Farah Emara on the left wears a red scarf and her brother Omar Emara on the right wears a blue shirt and a hat.] Via MENAbytes
FreshSource is disrupting the Egyptian horticulture agri-chain by connecting small farmers to logistics and distribution networks. The startup also aims to tackle food waste that can otherwise be mitigated by implementing the right food handling and storage practices.

Currently, the brother-and-sister duo, Farah (CEO) and Omar Emara (COO), is relying on an internal database and network to connect vendors with suppliers. With funding, however, they are hoping to build an accessible, digital database.

Doaa Aref & Rasha Rady: Co-Founders of Chefaa

Doaa Aref, a brown woman in blue jeans, a dark top and a hijab is on stage, giving a presentation. Behind her sits a panel three women and one man.
[Image description: Doaa Aref, a woman in blue jeans, a dark top and a hijab is on stage, giving a presentation. Behind her sits a panel three women and one man.] Via @getchefaa on Instagram
Chefaa is an online marketplace for pharmaceutical products powered by AI technology. It allows consumers to easily access medication and schedule deliveries, as well as giving patients reminders of when to take their medication.

The inspiration for such a platform came after one of the co-founders, Aref, was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and experienced a significant amount of difficulty in trying to remember which medication to take and when. 

Sabrina Sadiq: Founder & CEO of Luxury Promise

A brown, black-haired woman smiles coyly into the camera. She is dressed in a beige-ish top and is seated at a red table outside in the sun.
[Image description: Sabrina Sadiq – a brown, black-haired woman – smiles coyly into the camera. She is dressed in a beige-ish top and is seated at a red table outside in the sun.] Via @sabrinasadiq on Instagram
Luxury Promise is an online marketplace for pre-loved luxury goods, powered by AI and visual recognition technology that can differentiate between counterfeit and genuine products. 

Sadiq began her professional career as a lawyer and a casual collector of vintage, luxury handbags. Her passion for trade led her to study luxury authentication. Between herself and the wider Luxury Promise team has over fifteen years of collective experience in the luxury sector and luxury authentication between them, so you can trust that you and your luxury goods are in safe hands. 

Nada Zaher: Founder & CEO of Pas-sport

[Image description: Nada Zaher - a brown haired woman - stands in front of a cityscape and smiles at the camera]
[Image description: Nada Zaher – a brown-haired woman – stands in front of cityscape and smiles at the camera.] Via LinkedIn
Co-founded by Zaher, Youssef Hammoud (CTO), and Rami El-Erian (COO), Pas-sport connects Egyptian athletes with sports scholarships through a recruitment and matching process. The platform also offers support and guidance for athletes who may be afraid to go to university abroad, and for coaches who may need help on how to nurture and develop international students. 

Zaher played tennis competitively, eventually securing a scholarship at Columbia University, and Hammoud was a diligent swimmer who found himself a place at Auburn University. Their collective experience of the difficulties that international athletes face in finding and securing scholarships led them to create Pas-sport.

Melda Akin: Co-Founder & CEO of Dimension 14

[Image description: Melda Akin - a brown haired woman - wears a black dress at a corporate event. She is smiling at the camera]
[Image description: Melda Akin – a brown-haired woman – wears a black dress at a corporate event. She is smiling at the camera.] Via LinkedIn
Dimension 14, founded in the UAE by Akin and Chris Wallace (CGO), uses AI and Machine Learning to manage complex, decision-making processes. The platform uses deep learning to truly get to know the inner workings of a business before making actionable suggestions.

It can help with scheduling, process optimization and consulting, and has been used in the healthcare, higher education, and mobility markets. 

Akin coded her first line when she was only eleven years old, a passion which translated to her academics and career up until the present day. She currently runs mentoring initiatives with the United Nations and Google Women Techmakers.

Sabine de Maussion: Co-Founder & COO of MakerBrane

[Image description: Sabine de Maussion, a brown curly-haired woman wears a green top and a printed skirt. Ayssar Arida, a black and white haired man wears a black shirt. They stand to the left of a white toy model]
[Image description: Sabine de Maussion, a brown curly-haired woman wears a green top and a printed skirt. Ayssar Arida, a black and white-haired man wears a black shirt. They stand to the left of a white toy model.] Via Executive Magazine
Co-founded by de Maussion and Ayssar Arida (CEO), MakerBrane offers a community for designers and digital architects all over the world, who both admire and feed off each others’ creative work. The platform is a virtual marketplace where toy creators can design, build and trade digital toys, with instructions that can then be replicated in real life – have a play on their website! 

de Maussion has had an illustrious career, spanning the French Ministry of Foreign and European Affairs and the Centre Pompidou in Paris. She holds Masters degrees from La Sorbonne and Paris Dauphine and is currently pursuing a Ph.D. at Goldsmith’s College alongside managing MakerBrane.

Ameni Mansouri: Co-Founder & CEO of Dabchy

Ameni Mansouri - a brown, black-haired woman - stands outside the entrance of a glass building. She's smiling as she looks up. She's in a black top and a red blazer.
[Image description: Ameni Mansouri – a brown, black-haired woman – stands outside the entrance of a glass building. She’s smiling as she looks up. She’s in a black top and a red blazer.] Via Dominic Chavez on International Finance Corporation
Co-founded by Mansouri, Ghazi Ketata (Product Manager), and Oussama Mahjoub (CTO), Dabchy is a marketplace for pre-loved goods that stretches across Tunisia, Algeria, and Morocco. It is focused largely on the female consumer. They already have more than 250,000 users, who they adorably label Dabchouchas, and more than 100,000 items on sale spanning clothes, bags, and accessories.

The inspiration for the idea actually came from a Facebook page where women bought and sold clothes which founder Mansouri used to justify the need for a platform like Dabchy. She found that Facebook trading groups were not organized and formalized, so Dabchy stepped in to facilitate a quick and easy transaction of second-hand clothes. 

Categories
Surviving the Holidays Food & Drinks Life

5 absolutely delicious fall drinks that’ll warm your soul

[Image Description: A bird's eye view of a dark table with a candle, squash and mug of a hot drink with whipped cream and cinnamon on top.] Via Unsplash


Hello and welcome to September.

Fall is coming and I’m here for it. If you’re over those pumpkin spice lattes, then check out these other fall-inspired drinks to get you in the mood for the spooky season.

1. Apple Pie Punch

[Image Description: A photo of apple pie punch in a gold flecked glass.] Via Pinterest
[Image Description: A photo of apple pie punch in a gold-flecked glass.] Via Pinterest
Mmmmmm. It’s like an apple pie but liquid and never-ending. Okay, it ends, but it’s also a WHOLE punch bowl! Plus, it’s perfect for parties.

Recipe: Apple Pie Punch

Recipe: (Non-Alcoholic!) Apple Pie Punch

2. Warm Apple Cider

[Image Description: A photo of a Fall spread including hot apple cider, cookies and small pumpkins.] Via Pixabay
[Image Description: A photo of a fall spread including hot apple cider, cookies, and small pumpkins.] Via Pixabay
A CLASSIC. This cannot be overstated or over-drunk. Warm apple cider combined with some hype spices is literally the only reason I enjoy fall.

Okay, yeah, pumpkin picking and Halloween are cool, but like, warm apple cider, man.

Recipe: Warm Apple Cider

3. Apple Cider Mimosas

[Image Description: A photo of three apple cider mimosas on a table.] Via Pinterest
[Image Description: A photo of three apple cider mimosas on a table.] Via Pinterest
It’s just a mimosa (champagne and orange juice) but substitute the juice for apple cider! Add a cinnamon stick for extra fanciness.

Recipe: Apple Cider Mimosas

 

4. Apple Pie Smoothie

[Image Description: A photo of an apple pie smoothie.] Via Flickr
[Image Description: A photo of an apple pie smoothie.] Via Flickr
You can drink this one in the morning just like you would with a pumpkin spice latte! Or you could drink it at night and delight in your ability to sleep at night cause, you know, no caffeine.

Recipe: Apple Pie Smoothie

 

5. Pumpkin Mojito

[Image Description: A close up of a pumpkin mojito on a white surface.] Via Pinterest
[Image Description: A close up of a pumpkin mojito on a white surface.] Via Pinterest
Okay, I see that I have been sleeping on pumpkin drinks a smidge, so here is a pumpkin drink that is nothing like pumpkin spice lattes. It’s so good it’s almost strange, because who knew pumpkins and mint could go together?

Recipe: Pumpkin Mojito

Categories
Books Pop Culture Interviews

Comedian Ginny Hogan isn’t afraid to hold sexist work culture accountable

[Image description: On a marble top lies the book "Toxic Femininity in the Workplace" by Ginny Hogan. On its right is a pile of sticky notes and, on its left, four colored pens.] Via Ginny Hogan
[Image description: On a marble top lies the book "Toxic Femininity in the Workplace" by Ginny Hogan. On its right is a pile of sticky notes and, on its left, four colored pens.] Via Ginny Hogan

If one’s Twitter feed is a complete reflection of oneself, then stand-up comic, satirist, and author of recently-released Toxic Femininity in the Workplace Ginny Hogan presents a sarcastic, self-deprecating front. Her tweets span a wide range, from one-off tales of sexcapades to real-talk on the impact of the recession. 

[Image description: Tweet with the text, "Everything you need to know about me is that I once took a break from having a nervous breakdown to send my boyfriend nudes because I thought the tears made my skin look good."] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
[Image description: Tweet with the text, “Everything you need to know about me is that I once took a break from having a nervous breakdown to send my boyfriend nudes because I thought the tears made my skin look good.”] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
“There’s some truth in my tweets, but a lot of the stuff is also made up. Any topic that I tweet about regularly – tech, feminism, sobriety, being single, depression – is pretty real, but there are a lot of one-off tweets that I make up,” explained Hogan in an exclusive interview with The Tempest.

[Image description: Tweet #1 with the text, “Tits are recession-proof.” Tweet #2 with the text, “I’ve been informed I could trim the fat on the original ‘joke.'”] via Twitter @ginnyhogan_
“I hate when people comment and tell me I behaved weirdly in a conversation – the tweets mostly aren’t true, and I don’t want people’s opinions,” added the satirist, who was named one of the 15 best humorists earlier this year by Paste Magazine. 

[Image description: Tweet with the text, "Please don't read my tweets, they're private."] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
[Image description: Tweet with the text, “Please don’t read my tweets, they’re private.”] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
She cites a love/hate relationship with the social media platform, labeling it as “the lowest barrier between my brain and the world.”

[Image description: Tweet with the text, "Tits"] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
[Image description: Tweet with the text, “Tits”] via Twitter/@ginnyhogan_
Tweets are just scraping the surface of this funny, eccentric personality.

Hogan found her way into the world of comedy during her time in the tech industry when she’d been writing a data blog about online dating. She soon realized she enjoyed writing jokes more than data analysis.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BzRLc9vA8-H/

“At first, I thought of it as a hobby and didn’t worry too much about breaking in. I found it relatively easy to do stand-up every night, but figuring out how to make money from it was the hard part,” she said. 

She soon realized she enjoyed writing jokes more than data analysis.

Making use of her skills as a writer, Hogan began reaching out to publications internet-wide. Soon, the writer built an impressive portfolio which features regular bylines in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and Elite Daily. She also cofounded, and writes for, humor site, Little Old Lady Comedy. 

Her biggest comedy career milestone, though, stems from one of her first pieces for The New Yorker, which was picked up by HarperCollins and fleshed into a book, Toxic Femininity in the Workplace – out today. It takes a humorous approach to sexism in the workplace, approaching it from different angles and presenting it in a variety of formats including lists, quizzes, short stories, and monologues.  

“It’s based off my own experiences [but] it’s not a collection of true stories. I want to make people laugh, but I also want to make them think about what true experiences the pieces are based on.

“I’m hoping women relate to it, but I’d be sad if they related too hard to all of it because some of the pieces are intentionally exaggerated for humorous effect,” said Hogan. She’s hoping to educate and entertain readers, as well as make women realize they aren’t alone in the bullshit dynamics they have to navigate in sexist work culture. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/B1PRcSpgdoU/

Writing a satire book comes with its own set of challenges, though, and Hogan shared one of her most frustrating yet favorite anecdotes relating to it. 

Making people laugh for a living is far from easy, though.

“I’ve gotten maybe five direct messages on Twitter and Instagram from men saying things like, ‘thank you for finally calling out how harmful feminism is.’ That’s obviously not what the book is about, but I tried to sell it to them anyway,” she said.

Making people laugh for a living is far from easy, though, and while Hogan admits to some days being miserable, she followed it by saying that it’s where she feels like herself the most.

The negative comes from people misbehaving towards each other, general pessimism, and shit-talkers. Dating as a comedian is a job too.

Plus, there are a lot of late nights in stand-up.

“One thing I hear a lot is men suggesting I got something because I’m a woman. There are a lot of white men who feel like something is being taken away from them by trying to expand the field,” she added.

So, is comedy just simple entertainment? 

Some believe comedy to be a type of therapy (it’s definitely cheaper than most therapy sessions), and jokes about tragedies – albeit, walking a fine line between humorous and offensive – have also been cited as being a form of catharsis. They can even be helpful in engaging more with topical events and, generally, connecting as a community.

“I sometimes think jokes craft the perfect metaphor to open someone’s eyes.”

“I sometimes think jokes craft the perfect metaphor to open someone’s eyes. That said, I see tons and tons of jokes taking aim at Trump and Republicans, and it does seem like everyone who likes those jokes already agrees with them. I’d be curious to hear about someone who switched political affiliations because of a joke, though I don’t doubt that it’s happened!” said Hogan.

At the end of the day though, every comic has a different approach, a different style, a different sense of humor. Hogan admitted to making tons of sex jokes – “the easiest way to get a laugh” – at the start of her career when she was figuring out her voice. Since then, those jokes have dwindled down to 40% of her material, with the majority focused on more vulnerable topics.


“Most of my ideas come from my own thoughts. I spend a lot of time alone, and I’m always just going over conversations and stuff in my head (I have a therapist don’t worry),” said the comic.

And for any burgeoning comics reading this, Hogan’s words of wisdom? Don’t overthink it.

“I remember deliberating so hard over every word I said on stage or everything I tweeted at first, but ultimately, I needed to break out of that to find my voice,” she said.

“A lot of the material you try in the beginning will probably be bad, but, on the bright side, a lot of the material you try several years in will also be bad (I delete maybe 75% of my tweets). Good luck!”

Toxic Femininity in the Workplace: Office Gender Politics Are a Battlefield by Ginny Hogan is out now.

Plus, we’re giving away the book to two lucky winners on our Instagram! If you cannot wait, get it here. 

Categories
Humor Life

21 things only people from Birmingham understand

Felicity Jones - a white, brunette actress from Birmingham - is coyly smiling.
[Image description: Felicity Jones - a white, brunette actress from Birmingham - is coyly smiling.] Via Wikimedia Commons

Nestled in the West Midlands of the United Kingdom, Birmingham is the birthplace of Cadbury’s, the photocopier, and the X-ray scanner. Brummies built spitfires for World War II (you’re welcome, world), had their name copied 30 times across the world (including a crater on the moon), and are even the inspiration behind the Shire, home of Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit.

But we are also at the butt-end of many jokes which can get quite tedious.

So, here’s a list of all the things that only people from Birmingham understand:

1. The hate for our accent

A man black man in a brown jacket and orange shirt is saying 'You don't have a cute British accent'
[Image description: A man in a brown jacket and orange shirt is saying “You don’t have a cute British accent.”] Via GIPHY
The Birmingham, or ‘Brummie’, accent is accused of being the WORST accent in the country.

As Brummies, we don’t really hear it so the jokes are on the fools who hate it! There are so many different accents in the city that there is no telling which one they are referring to. Actress Felicity Jones, singer Ozzy Osbourne, and presenter Cat Deeley are all from Birmingham – all three have completely different accents, so which one is it?

2. The Bull

A bronze bull sculpture outside a building and dressed in a union jack onesie
[Image description: A bronze bull sculpture outside a building, dressed in a union jack onesie.] Via The Bullring
The Guardian – a bronze bull sculpture in our city center – is the symbol of everything Birmingham and, honestly, we don’t know why but we’ve just gone with it.

We love our Bull, in all his crazy, seasonal, and cultural outfits. It is a landmark and the most obvious meet-up point. He is a part of us but we don’t like the outsiders that climb all over him when it specifically says DO NOT CLIMB THE BULL. Leave him alone and get your own!

3. Only people from Birmingham can call it ‘Brum’

A blonde haired white man in a white chef's uniform is saying 'No Frickin' Way'
[Image description: A blonde haired man in a white chef’s uniform is saying “No frickin’ way.”] Via GIPHY
It’s the rules.

Don’t fight us on this. Only Brummies can call the city Brum. It is our term of endearment for our beloved city. Outsiders are not permitted to use it. We don’t care.

4. Having a Goth phase when first entering the Oasis Market

Four cartoon characters dressed up like goths in black clothes, dark hair, piercings and dark eye makeup
[Image description: Four cartoon characters dressed up like goths in black clothes, dark hair, piercings, and dark eye makeup] Via GIPHY
It was absolutely going to happen.

You couldn’t fight it no matter how hard you tried. Once you entered the Oasis Market in the city center you would 100 percent leave as a Goth. It was part of the deal whether you liked it or not. Body piercings, tattoos, alternative fashions, and decor – it was a whole new world for angsty teenagers.

5. And then gathering at Pigeon Park

Several people are sat on grass in the sun with trees in the back
[Image description: Several people are sat on grass in the sun with trees in the back.] Via Birmingham Mail
Pigeon Park was literally the courtyard of St. Phillip’s Church in the heart of the business district. Pigeon Park became the teenager hangout where we would make the business professionals in their suits and briefcases yearn for the life they once had.

6. The annual Christmas German Market

A nighttime landscape of a lit-up market place with people
[Image description: A nighttime landscape of a lit-up market place with people.] Via Visit Birmingham
While it is the biggest authentic German Market outside of Germany and Austria, Brummies get pretty annoyed.

Too many people gathering in the city center in the lead up to Christmas is the last thing we want when things are already busy. But let’s be real – while we all groan and roll our eyes, we also know it means Christmas is coming and spirits are lifted.

7. Being proud that our landscape was the inspiration for Middle Earth

A man is running through up hill with a map in his hand. The words 'I'm going on an adventure!' are on screen in white
[Image description: A man is running up hill with a map in his hand. The words “I’m going on an adventure!” are on screen in white.] Via GIPHY
Who would’ve guessed the world of Middle Earth was based off of Birmingham? More specifically the nature spots of Sarehole Mill and the Moseley Bog – both of which hold annual Middle Earth festivals and host Tolkien Trails – in which fans of Lord of the Rings walk the paths to view the landscapes that inspired Middle Earth. The Perrott’s Folly and the University of Birmingham Clock Tower were inspirations of the Two Towers as well – all in good old Brum!

7. But also having to constantly listen to the Venice-Birmingham canals comparison

A blonde haired white woman is wearing a white tank top. She rolls her eyes and throws her head back
[Image description: A blonde, white woman is wearing a white tank top. She rolls her eyes and throws her head back.] Via GIPHY
We get it! We have more canals than Venice! We are a larger city so it makes sense, but we are much more than that and definitely much better than having to just be associated with it so get over it!

8. Most of us have never been to Cadbury World

A woman in a purple sari is holding a bar of Cadbury's chocolate and is breaking a piece off
[Image description: A woman in a purple sari is holding a bar of Cadbury’s chocolate and is breaking a piece off.] Via GIPHY
Outsiders always tell us how amazing Cadbury World is. Seeing the chocolate being made, buying it relatively cheap, and learning about the history and the start of the Cadbury company – but most Brummies haven’t been. Yes, we are ashamed and do hang our heads in disappointment at ourselves.

9. The North/South divide

A woman in straight long black hair is talking with a smile on her face. The words 'Maybe I am better than you'
[Image description: A woman with straight long black hair is talking with a smile on her face. She says, “Maybe I am better than you.”] Via GIPHY
We never understood what this was all about. Birmingham is in the Midlands i.e. the middle of the country, so why do the Northerners call us Southerners and visa-versa? We’ve always called ourselves ‘Midlanders’, so what is up with this slander in shredding us verbally and then pushing us to the other side? We don’t want to be a part of the North or South – we’re too good for either anyway.

10. “I’m from Birmingham too!”

A woman is leaning to one side and is saying 'LIIIIIIIIIES!'
[Image description: A woman is leaning to one side and yells, “Lies!”] Via GIPHY
Lies! The Black Country and Wolverhampton are not Birmingham. Stop trying to make it happen!

11. Public transport is a nightmare

Three women dressed in red, green and purple get scared of bus doors opening
[Image description: Three women dressed in red, green, and purple respectively get scared of bus doors opening.] Via GIPHY
New Street Station (our largest train station) is too large for it’s own good and difficult to navigate and the number 50 bus service is the best and worst bus service. Highly doubt that there is any other city whose commuters have to wait 50 minutes for a bus and then have three turn up at the same time or have buses just randomly disappear off the live timetable feed.

12. We are beautiful!

Birmingham Town Hall (a Pantheon style building), The Council House (a classical style building) and steps, water features, statutes and memorials
[Image description: Birmingham Town Hall (a Pantheon style building), The Council House (a classical style building). and steps, water features, statutes and memorials are pictured.] Via GavinWarrins on Wikimedia Commons
We appreciate our vast range of architecture. Wooden Tudor houses such as Blakesley Hall, Jacobean manors like Aston Hall, our Town and Symphony Hall looking like the Pantheon and the classical-style of the Council House. But we also have some of the most beautiful country parks – Lickey Hills, Shire Country Park and Sutton Park – the views are incredible.

13. Criminal misconceptions

A black and white clip of several well-suited men walking together
[Image description: A black and white clip of several well-suited men walking together,] Via GIPHY
Yes, Peaky Blinders is set in Birmingham and is about a real gang that existed in the 20th century.

No, we are not all gang members, nor do we ever wish we were (but we sure as hell will milk the tourism and attention Birmingham gets for it). And yes, the controversial Benefits Street was also set in Birmingham, but we’re not a crime-ridden, lazy-bum hell hole either. We’re super friendly and really awesome.

14. We are not stupid…

Five yellow cartoon people wacth a little girl walk into the room with a pie. A man in the a blue suit is saying 'It's the organization for people with high I.Q.'s'
[Image description: Five yellow cartoon people watch a little girl walk into the room with a pie. A man in  a blue suit says, “It’s the organization for people with high I.Q.’s”] Via GIPHY
This goes back to the accent thing. You might think our accent is stupid, but when you tell us things about our city like you’re the expert, you’re the only person that looks like an idiot.

We have six universities, making us the largest UK center for higher education outside of London. We were also at the center of the Midlands Enlightenment during the second half of the eighteenth century and the home of the original Lunar Society where prominent industrialists, philosophers and intellectuals met regularly.

15. The “ramp”

A woman with blonde hair is looking to the left and then looks straight ahead and then winks
[Image description: A woman with blonde hair is looking to the left and then looks straight ahead and then winks.] Via GIPHY
To be a true Brummie is to know what and where the “ramp” is.

It takes you from New Street to the Grand Central shopping center and is always crowded with people walking on the wrong side, and queues for the ever-famous McDonald’s going out the door. But, it is also a pivotal meeting point. If you don’t know where or what the “ramp” is, you’re screwed.

16. It’s “Town”. Not the “City Center”

A woman in a hat and blue shirt is walking through a desert and pulls on her sunglasses as the words 'Deal with It' appear on screen
[Image description: A woman in a hat and blue shirt is walking through a desert and pulls on her sunglasses as the words “Deal with it” appear on screen.] Via GIPHY
Don’t question us. It just is. Get over it.

17. Islands

A brown haired white woman in a black dress is sat on a red couch and talking. The words 'I Don't Know' are on screen in yellow
[Image description: A brown-haired, white woman in a black dress is sat on a red couch and is talking. She says, “I don’t know.”] Via GIPHY
These are not some exclusive country clubs where the posh-trotters from the Little Aston neighborhood come to play tennis and humbly brag. Nor are they some exotic restaurants with foods and drinks from the Far East and Polynesia. No. Islands are literally roundabouts.

Every roundabout is an island – it’s just the way it is and we don’t know why.

18. We take St. Patrick’s Day VERY seriously

A group of people are dressed in black and mourning. One of the men is saying 'Today...we are all Irish
[Image description: A group of people are dressed in black and mourning. One of the men is saying ‘Today…we are all Irish!”] Via GIPHY
Which is really weird because we are in England and England’s patron saint is St. George and while there are celebrations for St. George across the city, why we go overboard for St. Patrick’s Day still baffles some of us.

19. The weather

Five animated white balls against a blue background. The one on the far right swing out to reveal a sun and the one on the far left swings out to reveal a rain cloud
[Image description: Five animated white balls against a blue background. The one on the far right swings out to reveal a sun and the one on the far left swings out to reveal a rain cloud.] Via GIPHY
It’s British courtesy to start a conversation about the weather.

It’s just who we are – but Birmingham weather is beyond weird. It can snow everywhere in the country and yet will never come to us. There can be sunny spells everywhere but we’ll be in the middle of a storm. It’s like we’re not even in the same country!

20. WE are the second city!

Four people are sat in a car and singing 'We are the Champions'
[Image description: Four white people are sat in a car and are singing, “We are the champions” enthusiastically.] Via GIPHY
War has been ongoing between Manchester and Birmingham over who takes the trophy for Second City. Manchester claims it belongs to them but when government ministers themselves declared Birmingham as the Second City, you know you’ve won.

Sorry Manchester, but you just have to stay in your lane. This is ours!

21. It’s home

A white girl with brown hair and a blue bow in her hair has her eyes closed. The words 'There's no place like home' are on screen
[Image description: A white girl with brown hair and a blue bow in her hair has her eyes closed as she says, “There’s no place like home.”] Via GIPHY
As Brummies, we criticize everything about our city (because we’re still English and English people love to complain) but only we are allowed to do that. If outsiders even dare, all hell will break loose. We will defend our home because to be a Brummie is an honor and something to be proud of.

Categories
Health Care Mind Love

My fears confronting my suspected OCD

A brown haired woman in a white top and dark blue denim jacket stands before a grey wall with her hair all over her face
[Image Description: A brown haired woman in a white top and dark blue denim jacket stands before a grey wall with her hair all over her face] via Hailey Reed on Unsplash

It all began at a training session at work.

During an ice-breaker session, we sat around in a circle and spoke about the areas we needed to concentrate on.

I spoke into my hand because I’m always fidgeting and I lose concentration if my hands are not doing something.

After the session, I was sitting next to a psychologist during lunch and she began asking me if I had ever spoken to someone about my fidgety behavior.

I still don’t know if telling an entire room of health care professionals and psychologists was the right thing to do but I told her it was just something I had always done and it never bothered me. She went on to say that fidgety behavior like mine was common with anxiety.

Of course, I dismissed it. I didn’t have anxiety – never in my life. Exam stress and failure was never a problem for me and I never had social problems so for me, anxiety just seemed impossible.

But her words resonated with me.

So I went on to do my own research. I looked into symptoms of anxiety and did some online quizzes. I suddenly became obsessed with trying to find out of it was true – did I have undiagnosed anxiety?

All of the online research and posts from psychologists and therapists that I went through showed that I seemed to fall under the category of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, more commonly referred to as OCD.

OCD is made up of two parts – obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwelcome thoughts and worries that repeatedly appear in the mind and can cause people to feel anxious. Compulsions are repetitive activities that are done to reduce the anxiety that comes about from the obsessions.

My mind, of course, went to the myths of OCD in which people are ‘over tidy’ or ‘wash their hands more’ and are ‘germaphobes’ but it is usually more complicated than that. I, however, applied these myths to my own life to see if it were true.

I was a perfectionist in every moment and freaking out when things were not in place or in order. I always make sure every text message and email I send is grammatically perfect and re-read them numerous times.

My dad and two brothers have gross, male habits that make me freak out and I use antibacterial wipes and odor eliminators on sofas and remotes or pretty much anything they touched.

I become angsty when jackets, bags, and shoes are not where they should be and have moments where I misplace something and tear the house apart or panic when I can’t find it even when it was in the most obvious place.

But it was the idea of thoughts that really got to me. People with OCD usually have obsessive, unwelcome thoughts that make people feel anxious or uncomfortable. These could be a fear of causing harm or failing to prevent harm or violent thoughts against ones faith, relationship and sexually intrusive thoughts and images. People with OCD are very unlikely to actually act on these thoughts (some of which can be scandalous and taboo) and they are not a reflection of someone’s personality.

Online self-diagnosis would instantly say yes, I do have a form of OCD, but I never believed it because while everything else in my life was in order and organized and clean, my bedroom was the definition of a dumping ground.

But apparently, this is normal too. Many people who suffer from OCD, whether severe or mild, have a corner of their life that is messy and it could be because while everything else in their life is “perfect”, it leads to procrastination in cleaning.

A messy bedroom is normal for a lot of people – it doesn’t mean they have OCD and of course, it doesn’t mean I have it either but every online OCD quiz, blog post and article about OCD always feature a disclaimer at the end;

If you feel you are suffering from OCD or any other mental health issues, please speak to a mental health professional as soon as possible. 

So, yes, I should go to a doctor and tell them what’s up, but I’m scared. And it’s not the stigma of having mental health issues in the South Asian community as many family members have suffered from bouts of depression, post-partum depression, bipolar disorder and more. Truth is, I don’t even know why.

Is it because I work in the mental health field myself and I feel like I will be laughed at and criticized for not being able to do my job properly. How could someone who has mental health problems themselves help others? Again, probably another ridiculous excuse but it’s just the way I feel.

There is not one thing I can pin-point about the reasoning why I won’t get a proper diagnosis but it definitely is not doing me any favors in delaying it. If I don’t have OCD, then I’m just a happy weirdo and that’s perfectly fine. But if I do have OCD, I’ll get support from professionals who will ensure I can go about living my life normally.

Finding out the truth and facing the fears is all right in front of me – I just need the courage to confront it.

Categories
Mind Love + Sex Love Life Stories Wellness

My community’s pressuring me to get married – but I’m terrified

[Image description: Woman in a black scarf stares defiantly at the camera, surrounded by trees.] Photo by Mohammed Hassan on Unsplash
[Image description: Woman in a black scarf stares defiantly at the camera, surrounded by trees.] Photo by Mohammed Hassan on Unsplash

I’m 25 years old and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. And not just a relationship, I’ve never even had a serious crush outside of fictional characters. 

I always chalked it up to my upbringing. I attended a segregated school from K-12, grew up in a religious AF country, in a small town, in a Desi family with strong traditional and cultural beliefs. 

It isn’t much of a stretch to link my avoidance/lack of any romantic forays to deeply ingrained notions of “no boys until marriage”.

But then, marriage isn’t something I’m particularly interested in either. 

At this point in my life, I have friends who fall on a romantic relationship spectrum: single, it’s complicated, mother of two, and divorced. But even single friends of mine have been around the block a time or two. Most of them have had the same upbringing as me so I wonder… why haven’t I taken a spin?


The thought gives me some anxiety. Not anxiety over my single status but rather the thought of putting myself out there. But why am I anxious? It’s not like I’ve suffered through shitty dates or relationships. I don’t have any deeply buried trauma. 

Most of them have had the same upbringing as me so I wonder… why haven’t I taken a spin?

I’ve read horrid stories of soured relationships but I’ve never experienced or seen anything first-hand. Even my parents pushed together in an arranged marriage, because of societal pressure (a widower with two kids and a woman from a broken marriage), created a loving home.

In fact, I long for closeness. I crave it. 

To experience the adrenaline of testing the waters of attraction, flirting, new love. To be intimate, not just physically but emotionally. To feel what all musicians sing about, what poets have spun poems of, and the pipe dream movies and books serve up.

But I can’t. 

I’ve been on the path to multiple relationships, rooted in friendship but when asked to take the next step, I couldn’t. Not even when I felt the beginnings of a spark.

How could I? 

How can I commit to someone else when I haven’t even committed to the one person who’s been waiting for my commitment for 25 years? Me.

And I know myself.

I know I sacrifice myself, my ideals, my principles, and my beliefs when it comes to the people I love. I bend over backward to accommodate them. I take on the hurt, even when it’s completely avoidable, just so someone I adore doesn’t have to – be it physical or emotional. I bite my tongue. I hold my breath. I ache. I suffer. Unnecessarily. 

I bend over backward to accommodate them.

Knowing this, how can I enter a romantic relationship – even in its beginning stages – before I’ve learned to not sacrifice myself? How can I willingly enter into self-destruction?

Because I will destroy myself. I will lose myself, whatever me I have built so far.

Independence and freedom are so elusive in my culture. In fact, it’s thought selfish to crave it. We must constantly be in service. To our family, to our husbands, to our in-laws, to God, to society, to our country. We must learn to live with others harmoniously and that requires sacrificing ideals, especially for women.

But I’m so tired. 

I’m tired of my instincts taking into consideration a decision’s impact on others rather than simply what it means for me. I’m tired of limiting myself because it’ll be inconvenient for others.


I’m tired of being a shell, devoid of my personality because I was never given a chance to find out who I am, what I am.

And because of this, I am hesitant. My soulmate could be in front of me and I would still say no. 

Because I will destroy myself. I will lose myself, whatever me I have built so far.

I’m in a state of constant flux and I’ve begun to change. I have so much catching up to do. I have so many selfish decisions to make and it’ll take me years. 

I want to dismantle myself to the core before beginning to build myself back up again. Who will I be? I have no idea.

Will I even want to attach myself to someone long-term? I don’t think so.

So how can I commit to someone knowing I will change?

Wanting to stay uninvolved seems like such a simple decision. And for the most part, in my community, up until the age of 20, it is.

No one wants a girl in a romantic relationship… until the day they want her married.

Now, at the age of 25, it’s a black stain to not at least be engaged. It is selfish, un-Muslim, uncultured of me to refuse marriage. It is dishonorable, even. 

I hear the snide comments, I sense the stress my family has unceremoniously taken on in their quest to see me married. I hear them pray for me. I hear others offering prayers as well because, without a husband, I am a burden.

With all this unrelenting, unfair, and absolutely inane pressure on me, it isn’t that much of a stretch that I choose to stay away from relationships.

It turns out, my upbringing is exactly why I am this way.