There is this hauntingly sweet sensation that comes with the start of a new friendship. The shy first moments with this new someone. Recognizing that they’re slowly coming into your life and are here to stay. It brings happiness and hope, but also fear. Fear that this will end like many friendships before. But trust me, it is worth it. Hold this moment close and cherish it.
If you told me that nine months ago, I would have never believed you. During the time, I was hurting. My heart was bleeding and all I could feel was the pain.
Nine months ago, my best friend and I began drifting apart.
We had that friendship that everyone wished for. We were those annoying friends that would complete each other’s sentences. You couldn’t find one of us without the other close by. I was part of her family and she was my family. We were so different but so in sync. At some point, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But, life had other plans for us.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment where it all fell apart.
You know those things that just happen? This is one of them.
I remember crying and hating myself for it. It felt like I’d lost part of me that I’d never get back. I wanted her back in my life so badly. I wanted the comfort of our friendship. But I wasn’t sure she wanted me back. Every time I held out my hand hoping she’d grab on, I was left empty handed, grasping for air. We slowly started keeping things from each other. We began to spend time with different people, and the tension of unsaid words began to grow between us. I couldn’t be around her without feeling like a stranger. That’s when I realized I’d lost her forever.
I was hurt. My heart was broken. So I put up high walls, protecting myself and my fragile soul. It was the only thing I knew how to do. Once again, I felt alone behind my fortress. But it was impossible to stay alone, so I began hanging out with a classmate of mine.
I started spending time with her despite the ache my heart had for my old friend. I didn’t know she was different at the time, but I felt this small push towards her.
It was this odd sensation I hadn’t felt in a while. Each time I saw her, this push felt stronger, and I found myself showing more of my real self. In return, she welcomed me into her world. It was scary and hard. With every step I took toward her, I found myself taking two steps back. My new friend’s movements mirrored. It seemed that the both of us had been hurt before and struggled. There was comfort in knowing that she felt the same way; comfort in knowing we both share the same wounds.
I found myself enjoying her company and spending more time with her. I was at ease during the silent moments we shared, feeling like I belonged, and that’s when I knew something more is between us. This is one of those rare friendships, the kind they write about in the books.
My new friend saw the beauty in my scars and weaknesses. Even the scars of my previous friendships. This didn’t come easy or fast. This happened over the course of months. But, I found someone who loves me despite my annoying laughter, my pettiness, my bitterness, and my attitude. I’ve found a warmth inside her eyes and safety between her words.
I’m a university student, so I spent a lot of time awake at night (usually studying). I was awake studying for an exam when it hit me. I was trying to study when a smile found it’s way to my face. It hit me that the fear I once felt is now nothing more than a tiny voice at the back of my head. My heart has been reopened and a new world has been shown. This new bond fueled with understanding and love has introduced me a new world.
The pain I felt, the endless nights of wandering thoughts, thinking, “Why me? Why don’t my friendships ever work out?” are all long forgotten. Because those long restless nights, the tormenting thoughts, the stabbing pain, have made me stronger. They taught me to cherish the friends you have (shout out to my friends, I love you all). I’m more aware of my actions around my friends and the power of a friendship once I have it.
I realized something. Something important. That I’ve fallen in love with my friends. Deeply, passionately and unconditionally. I’ve created a second family, a second home, where I am my unapologetic self.
Sometimes, we aren’t fortunate enough to have a family that loves us or supports us. The reasons are endless. But our friends? Our friendships? They make up for the love you didn’t have before. They love you always and without judgment.
I’ve found a second home with my friends.
I wouldn’t trade them for the world.