Tag: Ask Madame Lestrange

Categories
Dear Madame Lestrange Love Advice

Do you have any advice on how to be single?

[Image Description: four women standing and chatting outside a building]. Via Unsplash
[Image Description: four women standing and chatting outside a building]. Via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

So, I’m a serial monogamist. I’ve finally come to admit it after years of denying it. I have an incredibly hard time not being in a relationship. So far, I’m a month strong, which is great, but being home for the summer is really lonely, and I’m having the urge to hop on Tinder or OkCupid and find the next one.

I know this would be bad, but I’d like to tell myself, “what’s the harm?” But I know the harm; I need to work on myself this summer, and really spend some time with myself, something I haven’t done in years.

Do you have any advice on how to be single? I love being in relationships, and I love to hang out and get to know someone really well. But in the end, I always end up losing myself in it and distracting myself from my real problems. Can you help?!

Love,

—Your Single Gal

Dear Single Gal, 

You’ve already recognized what you need to do and that is to stay single. It’s always good to take some time out for yourself to figure out what you want and what you are looking for. 

My advice would be to figure out why you feel the need to always be in a relationship, do you miss the companionship? The sex? Or intimacy? This is the first way to figure out how to be single! Try finding things that ignite your passion, if there is something that you have been ignoring whilst looking for a relationship push your free time towards that. 

It’s not easy being single when you’re so used to being in a relationship and it can be really lonely. This is something that you have to push through in order to make sure that you are working on yourself. It’s important to recognize the things that you enjoy doing in a relationship you can do on your own.

You can go to the cinema and go to restaurants. You don’t need someone to be with you. Equally, grab a couple of your friends and head to the movies! 

Your welcome, 

Madame Lestrange 

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

Looking for more content like this? Follow our brand new Instagram account!

Get The Tempest in your inbox. Read more exclusives like this in our weekly newsletter.

Categories
Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

Am I still straight if I’m attracted to a girl?

[Image Description: Two women in leather jackets kissing] Via Unsplash
[Image Description: Two women in leather jackets kissing] Via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I am a girl and I thought I was straight until I met this one girl and now I am questioning my sexuality. I find her really attractive but I can’t imagine kissing her, but that might be because she is younger than me. Am I still straight? Or am I just scared of society? I don’t know… 

—Hot and bothered



Dear Hot and Bothered,

Questioning your sexuality is 100% normal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that. In fact, most people whether they openly say it or not do go through this process so it’s completely normal. 

Unfortunately, I can’t answer the question of whether or not you are straight, that is only something that you can answer. There is nothing wrong with experimenting to find out how you really feel.

Some people only really know after they have had some form of interaction with the same sex. Ultimately, there’s no harm in trying out different things. We all tend to find people attractive but when you are attracted to someone, it’s definitely different and you can feel it. Age doesn’t really matter, obviously unless the person is a minor and is unable to consent. 

Society is always something that people worry about. Whilst it’s true that the world has become a more accepting place, there is still a huge taboo around same-sex relationships in so many cultures so I understand your fear.

Saying that you have a right to be who you are in whichever way you choose to manifest that. There are always going to be people who will accept you for being your most authentic self and those are the people you should hold on to. 

No matter where you are from, no matter the culture there is nothing shameful about being gay or bisexual. If you are, take pride in that because you deserve to be you.

You’re Welcome,

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

Get The Tempest in your inbox. Read more exclusives like this in our weekly newsletter.

Categories
Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

I’m scared of what’ll happen when he goes down on me

Pinterest

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m scared of receiving oral sex. I’m currently not in a relationship but I’m nervous for when I am. What will my partner think of me not liking the idea of oral sex? I feel uncomfortable with my body and myself in general.

Do you have any tips for preparing for oral sex?

—Terrified of 69

Hey Terrified of 69,

Y’know, I think you got down to the root of the cause: you’re uncomfortable with your body and self. I think tackling this from that angle will help the most. So, here we go:

1. It doesn’t matter how many relationships you’ve been in or who you’ve hooked up with – being comfortable with your body has to come from yourself.

A great way to feel comfortable with your body sexually is to masturbate. In order to successfully masturbate, you have to get all your inhibitions out of your head and feel like you’re worthy of orgasming. Practice this – do it often (like everyyyyday!). Get some vibrators to help you along. The more you explore your own body and what makes you feel good, the more you’ll start appreciating and loving it.

2. Masturbating also helps you better understand your body.

It puts you in control of your sexual self. You’re giving yourself that pleasure, not relying on someone else. And there’s nothing more empowering than that. This way, you’re not using others as a means to get sexual pleasure. You can do that perfectly on your own, and you’re inviting someone else to share that with you. You’ll feel in control when you start venturing into oral sex, and you won’t have to feel displeasure if the person can’t figure out how to satisfy you. Because you can just tell them what to do, where to put what, how to do whatever. You know your own body.

3. Make a conscious effort to love your body.

Do NOT focus on things that you want to change. Focus on the great features you have. Look at yourself naked in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful. While you’re masturbating, watch yourself –your face, your body, your vag. Staying positive as you look at yourself will help you start appreciating yourself. Don’t hang around people who put your body or other people’s bodies down. Do you have a friend who constantly talks about the way people look? Take a break from them for a while. That kind of negativity, even if it’s not aimed at you, will have you questioning how people look at you.

4. When you and your partner start fooling around, try to get out of your own head. 

Enjoy how you’re feeling and don’t think so much. This person is with you because they want to be. Focus on how you feel when you’re kissing when their hands start venturing south when a finger or two penetrates you. Instead of having an internal freak out if they start to go down on you, focus on how good their tongue feels. Focus on your own breathing (just like you would with any stressful/anxiety-producing situation), and allow them to explore your pussy with their tongue. It is one of the best feelings.

5. All of that being said – you don’t have to do it or be comfortable with it.

If your partner is weird about you not wanting to do it now or ever, you need to ditch that person. Nobody deserves to put any part of themselves near you, let alone between your legs if they can’t respect what makes you comfortable/uncomfortable. You don’t have to like oral. You don’t have to let anyone give it to you. If you don’t want to do it, they should respect that and venture into other ways to please you. Do not let someone make you feel bad for feeling uncomfortable with this. Your body is just that –YOURS.

Clear your mind, focus on the positives, and don’t worry about how what your partner expects. Just be you, in all of your beauty. Good luck.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

Get The Tempest in your inbox. Read more exclusives like this in our weekly newsletter.

Categories
Love Advice

This is how you need to text if you want to get laid tonight

Tumblr

Dear Madame Lestrange,

My partner and I have a great sex life, but I think I’m bad at sexting. It’s so weird to me and I’m doing it wrong. It makes me nervous and I never know what to say. I love it – and I want to be good at it. Help?

Signed,

Nonsexter

________

Dear Sexy Sexter,

I.GOT.YOU. Sexting is one of my favorite pastimes. I love it. It makes me feel empowered because I always take control and describe exactly what I’m doing in this fantasy world. It’s fun. You get to be as open and dirty and exploratory as you wish you were IRL. It’s escapism at its finest. You get that freedom to say what you want to do and gauge your partner’s reaction — without any real rejection. And sometimes (or very often), it’s a glimpse into the future –> what’s gonna happen as soon as you see that person.

And you know what else rocks about sexting? You can’t do it wrong. They’re super easy once you get the hang of a few key elements. Let’s get into it!

Initiating.

The worst thing in the world is when you’re horny and the person you’re tryna sext isn’t picking up on your hints. So, to initiate – I like to just go for it. I’m not sure if you’re sexting women or men, but in my experience, men are idiots. They just will not pick up on hints. Might have better luck with women – we are drastically better at everything. Either way, I suggest just plunging right in. An unexpected sext is an instant turn on. And what do I mean by plunging in?

Always start with a less-obvious text: “I really wish you were here right now” or “What would we do if we were together tonight?” or “What’s something you always wanted to do?”

From there, take the reins. Chances are they’ll respond in a non-sexual way, and when they do – respond sexually. Example:

You: I really wish you were here right now!

Person: Aw, me too. / some other lame response.

You: That way I could have my tongue in your mouth while I squeeze your ass.

Obviously, there are good and bad times for these things. But it’s always fun to test the waters to figure out when those bad times are. Some people might love getting unexpected sexts while they’re at work. Others might not. Have some fun while you find out 🙂

Keeping it going.

Be explicit. You don’t have to use flowery language or be a romance writer to be a good sexter. You just have to be able to explain what you want sexually. Which, trust me, you can do. The thing that’s great about sexting is you’re meant to be freaky and an active sexual participant. Don’t be passive. Type out what you want to do and what you want to be done to you. Let them know where you want their hands, where yours are, what your mouth is doing, etc, etc, etc. Feel free to ask THEM questions to have them be more active too.

Really just do whatever the fuck you want because this is YOUR show.

Do you want him to lick your pussy while squeezing your ass? Say it.

Do you want to push her against a wall and finger her while you’re sucking on her tits? Say it.

Do you want to be bent over and fucked on the front porch in the middle of the night? Say it.

If thinking about it turns you on, then sexting it to them will turn them on.

And if it doesn’t, at least you know what not to do with them when you’re actually together – right? Same goes the other way if they’re describing something to you and you’re like, “well, no actually that sounds terrible” — you’re able to let them know without having to deal with doing it, to begin with.

Stay realistic, and freaky.

It’s fun to fantasize – but don’t describe things that are completely impossible. Like, don’t say you’re gonna do x, y, z with your legs all bent crazy, etc., etc. It’s also important to not be totally out of character. Let your wild side out, but make sure your personality is still there. For example, don’t sext about anal sex when you’ve explicitly made it clear you don’t want that. You’re still you and that’s who your partner enjoys being with.

Nudes?!

Don’t send them unless you trust your partner. It seems like you do – and I’m not going to dictate your life. I’ve sent and will continue to send nudes because I love the way I look and I think they’re fun. But, as you know, these should only go to people you trust (spouse, partner, etc). If you’re not totally sure – send nudes without your face in them! Your face doesn’t need to be in them to be sexy.

Also, you don’t have to send pics for a good sext session. I’ve had plenty of very successful sext sessions without ever sending a pic or video.

You got this. Be yourself, be explicit, and have fun. Go forth and conquer, girl.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

Categories
Love + Sex Love Advice

How do I start things off during my first time, without freaking out or clamming up?

[Image description: Woman sits in a bathtub filled with flowers.] via Pexels
[Image description: Woman sits in a bathtub filled with flowers.] via Pexels

Dear Madame Lestrange,

What’s the best method of foreplay for someone who’s literally never had sex before?

Signed,

Newly Sexy

 ______________

Dear New,

This is a tough question! Mostly because the “best” foreplay is going to depend on whatever works best for you and your partner. Foreplay is all about getting yourself ready for sex – it’s basically all the fun stuff before the fun stuff – but it’s WAY important. And different women prefer different methods. Maybe you respond best to fingering, or maybe it’s oral sex, both at the same time, breast squeezes – who knows! Well… soon, you shall.

  1. Start experimenting. Try just with yourself first. Masturbation is great for this because you are in control of everything you’re doing and can really play around with pressure, timing, whatever. Use fingers, dildos, vibrators – anything you want. Try it all! This will help you get an understanding of what your body responds best to you; what makes you most wet and ready; what you most like to experience as foreplay. Start with using your fingers and work your way up. Figure out what turns you on.
  2. Experiment with your partner. Maybe the foreplay you enjoy best involves oral sex, or making out and breast squeezing, or breast sucking and fingering. You’ll find out as you start experimenting with these different methods and learning what works for you. You might like some dirty talk, but you won’t know until you try! It’s important that both you and your partner are getting increasingly sexually excited as the foreplay continues. So try not to get all into your head about what’s going on or how you look or if you’re doing something right, because…
  3. Foreplay’s intimacy is obviously sexual, but there’s definitely some emotional aspect to it as well. You’re getting yourself ready mentally, physically, emotionally for sex! Have faith in yourself and your body, enjoy the touching and sensations and intimacy, and be confident in what’s happening. Confidence coupled with the right type of touching/kissing/sucking/et is MAGICAL. Don’t get too caught up in your head – trust what you’re doing.
  4. Remember not to just focus on the main areas – involve the whole body. Kiss and touch different parts of each other.
  5. Start off slow and work your way up. This may seem obvious but it is so hard when you’re in the moment to not just, like, immediately start having sex. Especially if you’re super attracted to the person. Even the act of undressing each other is sensual and foreplay, so don’t neglect the little things. It’s all part of the uphill climb! Plus, going slow ensures that your body is ready for sex by the time you get to it. Again: this part can be hard. I believe in you. But don’t over do it. You’ll know when to proceed to the next step. Not too soon, not too late.
  6. As the two of you continue to experiment with foreplay, you’ll want to try new things. Don’t stick to the same routine. Spice it up! Start foreplay outside the bedroom. Use toys. Whatever y’all discuss and imagine – try it out! Whenever that happens, check out my piece on spicing up your sex life. 

 

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. 

Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love Advice

How do I experiment with my partner before I get married – without going all the way?

Tumblr

Hi Madame Lestrange,

I don’t want to have sex outside of marriage, but how can I find out if I’m sexually compatible with someone before/without actually having sex? What should I ask them?

 

Signed,

Anonymous

 ______________

 

Dear Anon,

I love that you asked this question – If sexual compatibility is an important factor for your future happiness, then I think it’s a really good idea to determine that compatibility whether you are or aren’t waiting for marriage. And I also think there are several ways to get into this without having sex.

  1. I think before ANYTHING else, it’s important to figure out if the person you’re considering for marriage is open-minded and willing to listen to what you do or don’t like. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much of a spark is or isn’t there – if the person you’re with won’t take into account what you like or want to try, things will fade and become frustrating. So this is a *vital* aspect of any relationship.
  2. When you say you don’t want to have sex outside of marriage, are you including oral sex? Making out? Fingering? If you’re okay with trying any of these, you can definitely use that as a proxy for overall compatibility. If the two of you kiss and it’s amazing every time or gets better every time, chances are that’ll translate to sexual compatibility. Is the chemistry there with kisses? The chemistry should be there with sex, even if the sex isn’t ‘good’ at first!
  3. If you don’t want to get into anything physical, even kissing, then in addition to point 1: is there a spark when you two are together? Do you feel like you want to kiss them, touch them in any/every way, have sex with them– just anytime you’re around them? Do they feel the same way? That spark and chemistry is a good way to know if the attraction is there, and attraction is a good starting point for that sexual compatibility.
  4. Start having conversations on thoughts about sex, how important it is to each of you, what it means to a relationship, how often do they want it, etc. etc. Compatibility doesn’t just come from that chemistry/spark (though that is important), it also comes from mutual understanding and similar beliefs on the importance of sex in the relationship.
  5. If you can find someone who is open-minded, willing to make compromises, interested in taking what *you* want into consideration, who you share a spark with … you should feel pretty confident that you’ve found someone compatible. 🙂

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships.

Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

Should I get a perfume or do something for down there?

[Image description: Woman sits in a bathtub.] via Unsplash
[Image description: Woman sits in a bathtub.] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m getting married next month, which means I’m also going to be having sex for the first time. I haven’t been too worried about it until recently… my aunts keep trying to give me advice. One mentioned something about getting me vaginal perfume so it smells nice for my first time.

Should I get some? I hadn’t even thought about it. But yeah – vaginas smell right. I don’t want to gross him out on our wedding night. What should I do? What brands are good? Help, please!

—Smelly and Concerned

Dear Smelly and Concerned,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and sexual experience! Also, sorry you’re getting unsolicited sex advice from aunts. Sometimes that can be super helpful (and obviously awkward), but other times it can be nerve-wracking and harmful – like your aunt who thinks vaginal perfumes are a good idea.

They’re not.

A healthy vagina has a pretty specific pH of ~3.8 to 4.5, which tends to lead to the particular vaginal odor. The bacteria in your vagina work to keep it healthy, clean, and how it should be. Messing with these bacteria and the natural makeup of your vagina with douching or perfumes or whatever is *unhealthy*! It’s not like using deodorant on your armpits, which doesn’t harm you – it’s just staying outside and making your pits not smelly. Perfumes for the vagina fuck with vaginal bacteria, alter its natural pH and cause different infections. The vaginal odor you are accustomed to smelling should be a sign to you that your vagina is healthy and happy. Again: perfumes are bad and cause bad things to happen.

Your vagina is good and causes good things to happen. It doesn’t smell bad. You are taught in so many ways (socially, through media, everywhere) that the vagina is a bad, smelly place and we must do everything to make it more pleasing to the man.

Naaaah. If your almost-husband can’t take your wonderful and pleasant vagina as it is naturally, he doesn’t deserve to be up in it. Seriously. If someone y’all are having sex with has a problem with your vagina, then your vagina should have a problem with them!!

Take the time to unlearn all of your bad associations with the vagina that society has taught you through its lies. Research vaginal health, its anatomy, what other women are feeling about theirs, etc. It is a strong, flexible, and elastic part of your body that does so much for you and your body and the world. Everything it does is beautiful and cool and beneficial for you. And, honestly – chances are your fiancé will love the smell of it once y’all start having sex. Be proud of your vagina and get him to love it too.

Summary: Your vagina rocks and fuck perfumes.

**With all of this said, sometimes your vagina will tell you it’s unhealthy by a particularly foul odor that is unlike its regular smell. If this is the case, do not turn to perfumes, but go to a gynecologist to get it checked out.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

Get The Tempest in your inbox. Read more exclusives like this in our weekly newsletter.

Categories
Love Advice

How can I get on birth control without telling my parents?

Tumblr

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I’m sexually active and scared of getting pregnant. Condoms are uncomfortable, so I really want to get on birth control. I know barely anything about my options, even though I’ve done some research online. It all was so overwhelming and stressed me out.

[bctt tweet=” I’m sexually active and scared of getting pregnant.” username=”wearethetempest”]

I don’t know who to ask for more information and I don’t know how to do anything without my parents finding out. My friends don’t get it because they don’t share my background. I’m in college and I don’t think my mom would find out unless she went with me to a doctor or something.

What are my options? How do I keep this from my parents?

Signed,

No Babies Please

______________

Dear No Babies Please,

Wowwww, you sound like me when I was in college. Actually, I don’t find that super surprising. This is what happens when sex is considered taboo, inappropriate, and shameful. We end up having little to no knowledge about sexual health and safety, we feel guilty for having sex, end up terrified to talk to anyone for fear of judgment… just everything.

For years, I kept my sexual activity a secret from my parents: I was on the pill secretly, got an IUD without telling my mom, and had safe sex whenever and however I wanted. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents and I was afraid of what they would do or say if they knew. I knew what I was doing wasn’t wrong. So I kept it all from them. I get what you’re going through.

And I know it’s hard.

You’re trying to be a safe, smart sexual woman and you know if your mom knew, she’d be disappointed. You should be proud of yourself for taking the steps to keep yourself safe.

[bctt tweet=” Wowwww, you sound like me when I was in college. ” username=”wearethetempest”]

There are SO MANY options for female contraceptives.

I’ll first talk about the two that I have the most experience with and then provide you with some sources.

The Pill: take it every day, incredibly effective (when used correctly) at keeping you from getting pregnant. Does not keep you safe from contracting any diseases. The pill can help regulate your period, decrease acne, and minimize PMS symptoms. I had a horrible time remembering to take mine every day. Women also respond to different pills in different ways, so sometimes it can take you and your doctor a while to find the best fit. Lots of pros and cons with the pill, and I definitely recommend starting here. If you’re on your school’s insurance, the pill should cost you nothing each month.

So, how does it work? Your birth control pills will come in one-month supplies, with either 21 or 28 pills (depending on the type). You take a pill each day, every month, forever until you want off. The hormones in the pills are responsible for keeping the egg and sperm from joining (therefore, preventing pregnancy) by keeping the egg in the ovaries and increasing cervical mucus.

IUD: since I couldn’t remember to take my pill on time, I realized I needed another option. I got my IUD last year. It’s a device that gets inserted into your uterus. There is a hormonal option and a non-hormonal option, both of which have slightly different side effects. Both are the some of the MOST effective forms of birth control, they’re long lasting (3-12 years, depending on the type), and you don’t have to remember to take anything! Check with your insurance on the costs (mine was completely covered—cost me $0). You can get it removed at any time if you decide you want to have kids, though.

So, how does it work? Again, IUDs get inserted into your uterus (IUD = intrauterine device). In the hormonal form, the IUD releases a hormone, which increases cervical mucus and keeping the sperm from reaching an egg. In the copper form, the IUD essentially destroys sperm before it can join with an egg.

These are only 2 of the many, many options you have. I would suggest going to a comprehensive website, like Planned Parenthood, to explore your other options. They do a great job of outlining pretty much anything you might be wondering. They are an amazing resource for sexual health and they aren’t overwhelming like some sites can be.

If you are not on your own insurance and rely on your parents’, this could be a problem.

They would know if you were using their insurance for the pill or an IUD or anything else (the shot, implant, etc). If this is the case, I definitely suggest you talk to your school’s health services and your local Planned Parenthood (or the like).

Even though, yes, condoms can be a bit uncomfortable – if they’re your only option, USE THEM.

I highly suggest not relying on pulling out or other methods. Additionally, don’t forget that condoms protect against sexually transmitted infections. If you’re having sex with new or multiple people, men or women, it’s important to be safe beyond just pregnancy concerns. So even if you use another form of contraception, be considerate of STIs.

If you have any more questions about this, get back to me!

 

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. 

Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love Advice

Do I actually have to try this out in bed, especially if I’m not wild about it?

source

Dear Madame Lestrange,

ANAL.

WHAT ARE GUYS’ OBSESSIONS WITH IT. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. I’m with a man who’s the love of my life but he keeps pushing me to do anal. I am *tentatively* open to it but also TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND because hello.

In the words of Amy Schumer, that’s where my poop comes out.

Do I have to go through with it? And what if I do want to go through with it – what then? I just want to make him happy – but I’m curious, too.

Signed,

Maysa, 29

 

______________

Hi Maysa,

Great question. Guys and anal…hah! I’ve heard plenty of my friends talk about their partners requesting to have anal sex, in which they have absolutely no interest. I also know tons of women who loooove anal sex. But do you have to go through with it? NOPE. Absolutely nope. You don’t have to go through with anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you’re not totally into or that you’re even just “meh” about. It doesn’t matter if your partner really wants to – if you don’t, that’s that, right?

Why should what he wants come before what you want?

He shouldn’t be pushing you into it either… I have no issues with a partner asking, suggesting, wondering, but then respectfully dropping the subject at any apprehensive response.

Pushing? Nah—unacceptable. Ask him to leave it alone until you come to your decision!

[bctt tweet=”I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc.”]

Now, let’s try to alleviate this fear and uncertainty. I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc. You’ve probably heard a lot of horror stories from people about their mishaps with anal.

But, honestly—if done right, anal sex can be a really enjoyable and intimate experience for you and your partner. I would suggest some anal play to help you decide if it’s something you’re remotely into.

If y’all haven’t done this yet, start with anal sex that doesn’t include a penis: get him to finger you anally or perform analingus. Buy some smaller dildos or vibrators to test how they feel when he puts them in (warning: don’t forget lube with this!). These smaller steps will not only help you figure out if you enjoy anal action, but they’ll also help you put aside some of the fear related to anal sex.

You’ll start feeling much more comfortable with and excited at the idea of putting a full-size dick in there if you end up liking the smaller things!

Here are some tips if you decide you like the play and want to start having full-blown anal:

  1. LOTS of foreplay and some vaginal sex first. Get yourself really wet and really turned on. Especially for your first time, you’ll probably feel a bit nervous! But if you and your partner start out with stuff you’re already comfortable with, you’ll also feel more comfortable once he puts it in your ass.
  2. LOTS of lube. You know this: your vagina creates natural lubricant, especially as you get more turned on, to allow for a penis (or whatever else you’re sticking in there). Your anus and rectum do not. If you don’t use lube, you run the risk of pain, tearing, infection, etc. But with proper lubrication, you should be good. Make sure to take it nice and slow. And if you think you need more lube, reapply it!
  3. Once he’s in there and doing his thing, I suggest one of you manually stimulates your clitoris. Let him finger you or do it yourself. It’ll help you enjoy the experience so much more. This is one of the perks of anal sex! So much stimulation is possible for you.
  4. Let him know beforehand that you might ask him to stop. And know that just because you decided to go for it, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind right before or even during. Lay down your rules for what is or isn’t okay. Do you want him to ejaculate inside you? Do you want him to use a condom (tip: safe sex is the best sex)? It’s all up to you, girl.
  5. If you’re worried about the whole poop thing, some suggestions: if you feel like you have to poop, don’t have anal sex. You’ll probably freak out and think you’re gonna poop on him (when you first get anally penetrated, it kinda feels like you have to poop. This freak out is real.). Take a shower before you think you’re gonna do it and clean your ass out a little. Honestly, he knows what the anus is for and what it does. Also if he gets grossed out by anything poop-related, that’s on him!
  6. Have fun. Like I said before, many women love anal sex and it can be a really intimate experience. But if you don’t like it, there’s no problem with that either. Just remember that sex (all types) is about two people sharing and enjoying an experience together. And each person has her/his likes and dislikes. So, don’t get too lost in the worries of making him happy with this. A good sex life comes from both partners being happy, not just one!

 

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships.  Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Love Advice

I’m so nervous – what’ll it actually be like to be with my boyfriend for the first time?

Tumblr

Dear Madame Lestrange,

I have been with a guy for several months, but we have not had sex. I’m a virgin and I’m worried it will hurt and that I won’t be any good at it. My boyfriend has been a gentleman and not pressured me at all. Now that I’m ready, I’m not sure how to approach him about it as it’s all new territory.

Is it something that I should talk to him about beforehand or do I just jump in?! This is my first serious relationship and I’m scared but excited to move forward physically.

I think being scared is what’s holding me back. How do I get out of my own head?!

Signed,

Scared and Inexperienced

 

______________

Dear Scared and Inexperienced,

Maybe it’ll make you feel a bit more comfortable just knowing that you’re not the first person who has experienced first-time anxiety! What you’re feeling is so normal, in fact, that you’re not the only person who sent me a question about this topic. What I love about you is that you seem to be taking the next step in your relationship because you are ready to. Not because your partner asked or because you feel that it’s what you should be doing… but because you want to. That is awesome. Now let me start addressing your concerns…

–Pain: Having penetrative sex for the first time might hurt! It also might not. If you’re worried about your it hurting, I suggest a good amount of foreplay to get yourself relaxed and ready. Anxiety can cause tenseness of the vagina, meaning a bit of pain. So try to loosen yourself up as much as possible through foreplay. As usual, I suggest masturbating to get yourself aware of your pleasure spots, which will then help your boyfriend find the best ways to get you ready!! If it hurts (mine did my first time!), don’t worry. Shit happens. You can stop, you can go back to foreplay – do whatever feels comfortable to you. Your first time should be all about comfort. As you continue to have sex your second, third, etc. times, the pain will dissipate.

–Skill: If your boyfriend is a gentleman, who cares if you’re good at it? Who is ever good at something for the first time anyway? And what does it even mean to be good at sex? You and your partner will find what works best for y’all over time. That is one of the most special things about sex—going on the journey with your partner to find out what each of you likes or can do. And this is something you would do with any new partner. Don’t stress about being “good” at it. Explore what you’re into and be confident in what you’re doing. Over time, you’ll get the hang of it!

–Communication: As for talking to your boyfriend, I think you should. Generally speaking, being open and honest is essential to an effective relationship. If you haven’t discussed sex at all, bring it up. Let him know you want to take the relationship to the next level, that you’re worried about this-or-that… whatever you want to tell him, tell him. Don’t be afraid to be honest with him. If he is judgmental, drop him. If he isn’t ready to have sex, wait for him to be. But I wouldn’t sneak-sex him! Let him know what’s going on in your head. You will both be thankful for that conversation in the long run.

[bctt tweet=”If he is judgmental, drop him. If he isn’t ready to have sex, wait for him to be.” username=”wearethetempest”]

–Anxiety: Honestly, I think talking to your boyfriend about it will help ease your troubles a bit. He should help make you feel open and comfortable taking this new and exciting step. Chances are he wants this to be amazing, just like you do. Work together to ensure comfort. The keys to a good first time (yes, these exist despite the countless horror stories) are comfort and confidence. If you’re happy with the decision to have sex, confident in yourself, and comfortable enough with the person you’re going to have sex with – you’re going to be fine. Don’t over-think about it. Just relax, and get it on.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships.  Send all of your burning questions to advice@thetempest.co or fill out our anonymous form here.

Categories
Dear Madame Lestrange Love + Sex Love Advice

Here’s exactly how you get to your big O

[Image description: Grayscale photo of woman staring at window.] via Unsplash
[Image description: Grayscale photo of woman staring at window.] via Unsplash

Dear Madame Lestrange,

Full disclosure: the female orgasm is a total mystery to me –  in the worst way possible. I’ve been sexually active for a few months now, and part of the whole thing is that I am dealing with a lot of shame from my religious and family background when it comes to sex and female pleasure – and that leaves me in a bad position when it comes to my relationship with my partner.

At the same time, I get so angry with myself when I can’t pull it together and push myself to orgasm.

He’s been trying to go down on me to help me get to where I need to go (get it- come – ha.), but I feel bad that he’s even doing that, and push him away.

At the same time, I get so angry with myself when I can’t pull it together and push myself to orgasm.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried taking care of myself, but that doesn’t help that much.

Help.

Signed,

The girl with no joy

 

______________

Dear Joyless Girl,

Gosh, I appreciate this question so much. This is something I’ve personally dealt with in the past. And, to some degree, can still struggle with. It’s really great that you’ve been able to pinpoint from where your issue is stemming. I think that will make it easier (not necessarily easy, though) to combat this problem.

For so many women, the art of orgasming is deeply tied with her psychology. How I’m feeling and what I’m thinking absolutely keeps me from orgasming. Religious and familial shame is a threat to mental stability in general, but add that onto the fact that you’re trying to enjoy sex?

I get it.

As a Muslim, as a woman… I understand the very real effects of shame. We are so quickly sexualized from a young age, yet not allowed to be sexual without the threat of being shamed. But then, certain cultures (mine included) somehow manage to convince us that our family’s reputation is directly tied to what we do (or don’t do).

That’s a fucking lot to do, I know. But you can do it.

On top of all of this, you and your partner are frustrated because orgasming is something you both want to happen. Yikes.

I am going to ask you to unlearn decades of shame associated with being sexual. That’s a fucking lot to do, I know. But you can do it. And I’m going to give you some tips, but at the end of the day – this is going to come from within you.

It has to.

Things to Remember:

1. The shame cultures place on a woman’s sexuality is deeply rooted in patriarchal systems. It has no religious basis. It’s a result of men attempting to control our bodies and our pleasure. Don’t let them. If you’re concerned about the religious aspect, I suggest finding feminist translations of your holy book. They are out there, and they are empowering. The female perspective has far too long been missing from religion and the creation of tradition.

2. You’ve made the decision, despite the shame you’ve learned, to become sexually active. This is a big step – be proud of yourself. You’re starting to realize that your happiness is more important than centuries-old traditions of keeping women from sexual exploration and pleasure. OWN. THAT. There is no shame in embracing who you are or in seeking pleasure. Why should there be? Can you complete this statement with any tangible points: As a woman, having sex is shameful because ____________________________. What’s your answer there? Figure it out, and break that down. Where does your answer come from? Is it based in truth, fear, what?

3. Do whatever it takes to believe that you deserve to find sexual pleasure. Because you do. Just as much as anyone else. You have a great partner who is willing to work towards your goal. Let him. Your body is a really interesting vessel for a happy soul. The process of finding what gets you to orgasm is exciting and fun if you let it be. This is maybe totally weird, but it’s worked for me in the past – anytime you start thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this”, reframe your thoughts to “I SHOULD be doing this. I DESERVE it. I DESERVE to feel good.” I would also HIGHLY suggest looking into some books/readings by Brené Brown, who studies shame and human behavior. I think you’ll find her work right up your alley.

Do whatever it takes to believe that you deserve to find sexual pleasure. Because you do.

4. You have only been active for a few months. Don’t feel like you need to have everything figured out already in regard to orgasming. It took me 2 years of being sexually active before I orgasmed by someone else. I had orgasmed from masturbating for years before I even started having sex, but during sex with someone else? Nope. This is because it took me a while to feel completely comfortable with someone else (again: it’s all mental). Don’t get angry at yourself for feeling something completely normal. The more anger, shame, and stress you feel, the further you will push yourself from that orgasm.

5. Masturbating is always important… I am a huge, huge believer in using masturbation to get yourself comfortable with the idea of pleasing yourself, which will translate to your relationship with your partner. I know you said it doesn’t help to do this. Orgasming through masturbation is, of course, going to be difficult with that shame looming over your head. But I suggest practicing #3 while masturbating. Get a vibrator, start using it… if you start feeling that shame or thinking you shouldn’t be doing it – keep going. Remind yourself you should be. Remind yourself you deserve sexual satisfaction and that nothing will keep you from it. Reframe your thoughts and keep going. This process will be easier alone, and once you get good at reframing, try it with your partner.

6. Because I feel strongly about keeping your mental health in check, go to a therapist. There are people who are trained in helping you deal with these emotions and find solutions to overcome what you’re feeling. Take the steps to become happier, healthier, and orgasmic. Relieving yourself of the shame you feel will not only help you orgasm but will lead to a more fulfilling life. Search online for therapists near your area and call a few until you feel confident with a choice. If you’re currently in school, set up an appointment with your mental health center on campus. Therapy is an amazing way to break down and overcome your anxieties.

Good luck. I know you can do it.

 

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

 

Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships. Send all of your burning questions by filling out our anonymous form.

Get The Tempest in your inbox. Read more exclusives like this in our weekly newsletter!