Love + Sex Love

Society teaches us that relationships should end if this doesn’t happen – but why?

I can’t be the only one who is slightly bothered by TV shows or friends having conversations about how sex could either make or break a relationship.

The one example that pissed me off the most was watching the movie Think Like a Man, inspired by Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, about the so-called correct way to approach sex. It wasn’t fair of Harvey to say “men like a woman with standards, get some,” but I also don’t find it fair that Harvey believes that people can wait ninety days before engaging in sex with someone. I just kept thinking “Or, they could just not have sex at all.”

What, was that bad of me to say?

[bctt tweet=”‘Or, they could just not have sex at all.’ What, was that bad of me to say?” username=”wearethetempest”]

Steve Harvey supposedly identifies as Christian. Was he pressured into giving advice like that, or does he also believe in the myth of sex being the foundation for a healthy romantic relationship?

For context, I am not a sexually active person. In fact, I have never been a sexually active person. Yes, my faith does play a significant role in that, but not entirely. Nevertheless, I still believe I can offer something to the conversation about this topic.

From what I understand about sex, it’s when one could possibly be at their most vulnerable with someone in that intimate physical state. I can get some of its importance in regards to intimacy, but why is it the most important in our society? If two people have great communication and support one another emotionally, why should sex be something to engage right away, and why is it that if it’s “not good” (whatever that means) or if two people haven’t engaged in it yet, it is protocol to end that relationship?

[bctt tweet=”Why is it that if it’s ‘not good,’ it’s time to end that relationship?” username=”wearethetempest”]

I don’t like that people have to feel this pressure to engage in sexual activity. If you are a woman, there’s this double-edged sword of that pressure. I know some may disagree with me, and I don’t mind to hear about why you do, but the prude/whore binary is still an unfair trope placed upon us.

After hearing guys say that they can only last three months without a girl ever “giving him some,” you start to wonder who decided to give them that idea in the first place. You also start to question what’s wrong with the personal choices you’ve made for yourself.

[bctt tweet=”Moreover, where is the space for people who identify as asexual?” username=”wearethetempest”]

Moreover, where is the space for people who identify as asexual? Why are they viewed as awkward individuals who don’t stand a chance in the dating world? Why give them so much stigma because of statements like “Oh, I could never date someone if they were asexual,” or “What a sad life it must be to not have sex.”

No. I’m pretty sure they’re fine. I don’t identify as asexual, but I can tell you, even though I don’t have to tell you, they’re just as healthy as everyone else.

We are surrounded by magazines, films, and other forms of media in our society about what’s desirable and what’s not.

As the saying goes, “sex sells.”

I still haven’t seen a lot of films where sex isn’t the centerpiece of the plot, or the couple waits until marriage to have sex. I saw an episode of Glee where the character Mercedes was able to have a constructive conversation with her boyfriend Sam and her friend Rachel about why she believes it’s best for her to wait, but that’s about it. Also, that show centers around people only within my age range.

[bctt tweet=”I still haven’t seen a lot of films where sex isn’t the centerpiece of the plot.” username=”wearethetempest”]

Seeing the same themes over and over again on the subject gets pretty annoying after awhile. Sex has been this taboo subject all this time, yet it has been excessively praised to the point of affecting our personal lives.

It doesn’t have to.

Love Advice

Do I actually have to try this out in bed, especially if I’m not wild about it?

Dear Madame Lestrange,


WHAT ARE GUYS’ OBSESSIONS WITH IT. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. I’m with a man who’s the love of my life but he keeps pushing me to do anal. I am *tentatively* open to it but also TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND because hello.

In the words of Amy Schumer, that’s where my poop comes out.

Do I have to go through with it? And what if I do want to go through with it – what then? I just want to make him happy – but I’m curious, too.


Maysa, 29



Hi Maysa,

Great question. Guys and anal…hah! I’ve heard plenty of my friends talk about their partners requesting to have anal sex, in which they have absolutely no interest. I also know tons of women who loooove anal sex. But do you have to go through with it? NOPE. Absolutely nope. You don’t have to go through with anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you’re not totally into or that you’re even just “meh” about. It doesn’t matter if your partner really wants to – if you don’t, that’s that, right?

Why should what he wants come before what you want?

He shouldn’t be pushing you into it either… I have no issues with a partner asking, suggesting, wondering, but then respectfully dropping the subject at any apprehensive response.

Pushing? Nah—unacceptable. Ask him to leave it alone until you come to your decision!

[bctt tweet=”I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc.”]

Now, let’s try to alleviate this fear and uncertainty. I get it – anal can be scary, it seems gross and painful, etc. You’ve probably heard a lot of horror stories from people about their mishaps with anal.

But, honestly—if done right, anal sex can be a really enjoyable and intimate experience for you and your partner. I would suggest some anal play to help you decide if it’s something you’re remotely into.

If y’all haven’t done this yet, start with anal sex that doesn’t include a penis: get him to finger you anally or perform analingus. Buy some smaller dildos or vibrators to test how they feel when he puts them in (warning: don’t forget lube with this!). These smaller steps will not only help you figure out if you enjoy anal action, but they’ll also help you put aside some of the fear related to anal sex.

You’ll start feeling much more comfortable with and excited at the idea of putting a full-size dick in there if you end up liking the smaller things!

Here are some tips if you decide you like the play and want to start having full-blown anal:

  1. LOTS of foreplay and some vaginal sex first. Get yourself really wet and really turned on. Especially for your first time, you’ll probably feel a bit nervous! But if you and your partner start out with stuff you’re already comfortable with, you’ll also feel more comfortable once he puts it in your ass.
  2. LOTS of lube. You know this: your vagina creates natural lubricant, especially as you get more turned on, to allow for a penis (or whatever else you’re sticking in there). Your anus and rectum do not. If you don’t use lube, you run the risk of pain, tearing, infection, etc. But with proper lubrication, you should be good. Make sure to take it nice and slow. And if you think you need more lube, reapply it!
  3. Once he’s in there and doing his thing, I suggest one of you manually stimulates your clitoris. Let him finger you or do it yourself. It’ll help you enjoy the experience so much more. This is one of the perks of anal sex! So much stimulation is possible for you.
  4. Let him know beforehand that you might ask him to stop. And know that just because you decided to go for it, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind right before or even during. Lay down your rules for what is or isn’t okay. Do you want him to ejaculate inside you? Do you want him to use a condom (tip: safe sex is the best sex)? It’s all up to you, girl.
  5. If you’re worried about the whole poop thing, some suggestions: if you feel like you have to poop, don’t have anal sex. You’ll probably freak out and think you’re gonna poop on him (when you first get anally penetrated, it kinda feels like you have to poop. This freak out is real.). Take a shower before you think you’re gonna do it and clean your ass out a little. Honestly, he knows what the anus is for and what it does. Also if he gets grossed out by anything poop-related, that’s on him!
  6. Have fun. Like I said before, many women love anal sex and it can be a really intimate experience. But if you don’t like it, there’s no problem with that either. Just remember that sex (all types) is about two people sharing and enjoying an experience together. And each person has her/his likes and dislikes. So, don’t get too lost in the worries of making him happy with this. A good sex life comes from both partners being happy, not just one!


You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange


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