Author: Samaa Ahmed

Samaa Ahmed is an artist, blogger, and innovator based in Toronto, Canada. She runs wearivebeen.com and tweets at @hashtagsamaa.

Categories
Love Advice

ASK SAMAA: How do I balance my school work and mental health?

ariawestinteriors.com
ariawestinteriors.com

Hey, Samaa,

I consider myself a pretty chill person, but this semester I have a ton of new responsibilities and I’m worried about being able to handle it all.  What I can I do to avoid stress?

Thanks,

Busy Bee

 ______________

Hey, Busy Bee!

With new responsibilities come new opportunities, so congrats! The greatest way to combat stress is to pre-empt it by being extra prepared.

1. Set up a really thorough and comprehensive Google calendar with all of your fixed responsibilities, meetings, classes, etc. See how busy you are each day, and know in advance which days will be the busiest. Plan your week accordingly. Share your Google calendar with your friends and family, so that they know what you’re up to and won’t feel bad if you can’t spend as much time with them. It’ll also be easier for them to schedule time to spend with you.

[bctt tweet=”Use the 8/8/8 principle to keep your mental health and your work life on track.”]

2. Use the 8/8/8 principle to guide your day. Think of your “busy” time as a 9-5 job. Try not to spend more than 8 hours on “work,” which may include school, extracurricular activities, meetings. That way, you have 16 hours left of your day: 8 for sleep (don’t compromise on this!), and 8 for self-care. That includes includes time for food, running errands, socializing, getting dressed and staying clean — this one sometimes falls to the wayside when we’re busy. If you end up going over 8 hours for work, try to readjust or reallocate your time over the course of the week so that each day stays balanced.

3. Try to start your days earlier, rather than ending them later. Schedule most of your work for the morning. Recent studies have indicated that we are most productive in the first two hours after we wake up. The moral of the story is work smarter, not harder!

4. TURN OFF YOUR LAPTOP, DON’T CHECK YOUR EMAIL, AND DON’T SCHEDULE ANYTHING AFTER 8 P.M. This time is for you to decompress, reflect, and relax. Exposure to smartphone screens can actually delay your sleep time and make it more difficult for you to fall and stay asleep.

5. Remember to eat well. Your body needs fuel to run. You can’t perform at your best if your proverbial tank is on empty!

[bctt tweet=”Turn off your laptop, don’t check your email, and don’t schedule anything for after 8 p.m.”]

6. Set goals for yourself in each domain or activity that you are participating in. Set up periodical check-ins to ensure that you stay on track. However, once you have achieved that goal, move on. There is no point in pushing something that does not need to be pushed any more. This also applies for work — unless your extra effort is resulting in something tangible, useful, or essential, be happy with “good enough.”

7. Ask for help when you need it. You are a human, not a robot. Remember to prioritize your mental and physical health over everything else, because that’s the only thing that really matters. All the accolades and titles in the world don’t mean anything if you are not in a good space — emotionally, spiritually, or interpersonally.

Take care of yourself, girl!

Lots of love,

Samaa

Do you have any questions for Samaa?

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to asksamaa@comingoffaith.com.

Categories
Tech Now + Beyond

ASK SAMAA: How do I get my start-up off the ground?

Women get start-up advice from our resident expert Samaa

Dear Samaa,

I’m writing to you because I’ve recently been approached with a business opportunity (of which I’ve already said yes to) by a former classmate and friend of mine from university. We’d be working together along with another young woman whom we are also friends with, and is also a fellow alumna. It is still very early days in the process of starting our organization (which is leadership based), but since I have no background in business, do you have any recommendations for a beginner?

Also, how do I maintain good boundaries both personally and professionally during this process? I’m both excited and nervous about the outcome of this and sometimes my confidence wavers a bit about it all.

 

Sincerely,

Just starting out

______________

Dear Just Starting Out,

First of all, congratulations! This sounds really exciting! Good on you for taking on something new like this!

Second, thank you for this question! I’ve been working on developing my own business (ARTBOX Toronto) for the past few months, so this is something that I have a bit of personal experience with, and I am glad to be able to share what I have learned. Of course there is a lot to say on this topic, but I think these are the seven most crucial things you should do:

  1. Most importantly, make sure that your organization’s goals and aims are properly defined. Write them down, let someone else read them, redraft them, repeat this process until your business objectives are absolutely clear to anyone who reads them. You will also have to give your elevator pitch every time anyone asks about what your organization does: make sure it is succinctly and accurately articulated, and make sure everyone you are working with is on the exact same page. This is part of setting boundaries.
  1. By that same token, make sure that you truly believe in the values of your organization, and if not, figure out why there is a discrepancy. Try to solve it, but if it cannot be solved, do not force it: accept that this may not be the project for you.
  1. Make sure your role in the organization is clearly defined and articulated. This is also crucial to maintaining healthy boundaries with your team members. A good rule of thumb is: if it’s important, write it down! It’s great practice in general, but absolutely essential when it comes to task delegation or making any big decisions!

Make sure that there is some sort of documentation of what your role is, and if you are going to be paid, make sure that there are contracts that that explicitly lay out how much, when, and by whom you will be paid. If you do not have a lot of money, you can Google “contract template” and use stock templates to base yours off of, and use a service like Hello Sign to store and sign your contracts. I would recommend asking a lawyer to look over your contracts before you sign anything, especially if discussing ownership or intellectual property.

  1. If you are committed to this organization and/or project, you will need to invest some time learning more about business, leadership, and innovation. Subscribe to a few key mailing lists: Entrepreneur, Young Entrepreneur, Forbes Woman, Harvard Business Review, and Knowledge @ Wharton are great for starters. They have wonderful articles and listicles with tips on how to be more productive, and very insightful interviews with thought leaders across different fields and industries. Take a relevant course (online or in person) related to your business: Coursera has some great free ones! Really know your field inside out and back to front.
  1. Invest wisely in your start up “toolkit.” Pretty much every business will be drafted on the classic Business Model Canvas, but I would recommend the Lean Canvas model – it’s a lot more relevant to how businesses are set up and run today. If you are pitching your idea/organization to investors, you’ll need to work on your pitch deck as well. You do not have to be an expert in every single area of your business; it’s okay to outsource some things. Set up a Slack or Trello account to communicate with your team members. Learn how to manage your time effectively! Create a shared Google calendar.
  1. Have regular team meetings where you can communicate openly with one another, and try to get to the root of problems while they are budding, rather than when they are fully blown. Practice active listening and supportive and respectful discussions. Make sure you check in regularly with each other, and plan your meetings with an agenda, so that you do not veer off topic. (This can be a real issue when working with friends!)
  1. Create a network and support system for yourself. Join a professional organization. Join “women in business” Facebook groups. FIND A MENTOR! (This is so important! Strong female mentors have been so transformative in my personal and professional life! Read my simple guide on how to find a mentor here.) Ask for help when you need it. It’s okay to not know what to do or to feel overwhelmed – you do not have to carry that burden by yourself. Asking for help is the healthier and more sensible thing to do, rather than flounder and/or cause yourself undue stress.My dad likes this quote, he thinks it’s funny: “Having lost sight of our objectives, we redoubled our efforts!” It’s nonsensical because when you’re lost you can’t just “try harder” to stop being lost. Sometimes you need to step away, ask for external support, and reassess from there. Also, reflecting with others (parents, teachers/professors, friends who are older than you) can help prevent groupthink.

I hope this helps! Good luck with your project, and let us know how it goes! Feel free to send me more questions!

 

I hope that helps!

Love,

Samaa

 

Do you have any questions for Samaa? 

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to hey@thetempest.co

 

 

Categories
Love Advice

ASK SAMAA: I’m tired of looking frumpy next to my friends

<a href=“http://www.nadiaaboulhosn.com/2014_11_01_archive.html

Dear Samaa,

I’m into fashion and beauty as much as anyone, but I’ve never had the means to achieve my “true potential” when it comes to styling myself. Most of my friends are rich kids who can afford expensive clothing, makeup, and accessories— a lot of them even take makeup and fashion classes to enhance their look even further. Although I like the clothes I own, I’ll wear them to a social gathering and end up feeling like a frumpy old grandma next to my friends’ cool outfits.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can style my makeup and clothes in a (budget-friendly) way that’ll make me feel more confident about what I wear? 

Thanks, you’re the best!

Fashionista on a budget

______________

Dear Fashionista,

I love that you are into fashion and cultivating your own style! The main thing, that I always say, is never compare yourself to anyone else. Ballin’ on a budget is an absolute attainable reality, and in fact, it’s often the cooler way to style yourself!

[bctt tweet=”Ballin’ on a budget is an absolute attainable reality.”]

My best advice is to follow cool street-style fashion blogs, and either try to replicate their style by buying the clothes they recommend, or DIY certain pieces that you like. Lookbook is a great place to browse. Personally, I love Nadia Aboulhosn – she’s super gorgeous and really nice in person (yup, I got to meet her!) – who started from very humble beginnings. Although she’s pretty famous now, and has her own collections with Addition Elle, she used to buy a lot of clothes from vintage stores, thrift stores, and customize her pieces.

  1. Why not take a page out of Nadia’s book and try something similar? Check out vintage, thrift, consignment, or charity shops in your area – they are likely to have cool, unique finds for really reasonable prices!
  1. Check out sites like http://www.pennychic.com/, http://www.thebudgetbabe.com/ and http://frugal-fashionistas.com/ that create super stylish, inexpensive looks!
  1. Spice up pieces you already own! Here are some great tips and suggestions!
  1. Buy classic basics in neutral colors, which will always be stylish, and jazz your outfits up with accessories, jewelry, bags, and shoes!
  1. Shop at trendy, affordable stores like Forever 21, H&M, Boohoo, ASOS, and Garage. I am 24 years old and pretty much all my clothes cost less than $50 each. Trust me, you do not need to spend a lot of $$$ to look fashionable and put together!

I hope that helps!

Love,

Samaa

Do you have any questions for Samaa? 

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to asksamaa@comingoffaith.com. 

 

Categories
Love Advice

ASK SAMAA: I’m jealous of my badass friend

shirleyswardrobe.com

Dear Samaa,

I have a friend who’s a total badass – she exudes so much confidence. Definitely one of those “independent chicks who don’t need no man” types. I’m really jealous. What is she doing right, that I’m not?

Green Eyed Monster

______________

Dear Green Eyed Monster,

The most important thing is not to compare yourself to anyone else. Your friend sounds awesome, and I think you should be happy for her because learning to love yourself and exude confidence is not easy. By the same token, as you work on bettering yourself, I hope that she (and your other friends) can be supportive and proud of you.

Do not view yourself as being in competition with her, or anyone else, for finite resources. The truth is that there is enough self-care, self-love, and self-esteem for all of us, because it comes from within.

The fact that she is independent does not make you less independent. The fact that she “doesn’t need a man” to validate her (and let’s be honest, none of us should need a man to validate us) does not mean that you cannot also feel that way. Whatever you admire about her, you can learn to develop for yourself.

[bctt tweet=”Whatever you admire about her, you can learn to develop for yourself.”]

You can use her as a living example to guide your own goals. The worst thing you can do is create an artificial dichotomy of her vs. you, or that she is doing something right that you are doing wrong. Your lives and experiences are mutually exclusive from one another.

  1. Set goals for yourself that allow you to both challenge and nurture yourself. For example, if you admire the fact that your friend has a great sense of self-image, challenge yourself to fight the doubts in your head that hold you back from feeling that you are an absolute badass who cannot be messed with! Nurture those thoughts, reinforce them by taking selfies (that you can keep for yourself or share with others) and write down all the things you like about your appearance and personality.
  1. Remember when you were a kid and you filled out quizzes in teen magazines that told you how rock n roll you were (or something like that)? Take them again! Buzzfeed has a bunch of fun quizzes, but also take more serious tests like the Myers-Briggs to see what your personality type is, and what sorts of environments and activities you shine in.
  1. Do the best that you can, with the information, resources, time, energy, and capacity that you have. That’s all you can do. If you’re feeling exhausted, it’s okay to rest. Do not hold yourself to a standard that makes you feel overwhelmed or lacking in some other important area. Make sure your basic needs are met first, before you move on to more daunting tasks like never being nervous again (which is pretty much unattainable).
  1. Download some helpful apps, like this Personal Growth and Success app by Thomas Hansen which gives you customized pep talks and mood boosters, or Strides which helps you define and track your goals.
  1. Find and sign a confidence pledge that can help you stay on track to developing your self esteem. Here are some good examples. Read this every day, until it becomes part of your internal monologue.

Hope that helps!

All the best,

Samaa

Do you have any questions for Samaa? 

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to asksamaa@comingoffaith.com. 

 

Categories
Love Advice

How do I love my body, when society shames me for my weight?

adventuresofariotgrrrl.com

STRONG TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF WEIGHT LOSS, FATPHOBIA, AND BODY IMAGE.

Hi Samaa,

I’m in the exhausting process of losing weight (again). While I think my motivations are FOR myself: to move easier, to find better-fitting clothes, to be healthier, I’m having a hard time finding the balance between wanting to lose weight while still retaining body positivity.

How do you love your overweight body while still trying not to literally run away from it?

[bctt tweet=”How do you love your overweight body while still trying not to literally run away from it?”]

Sincerely,

Overweight, Over Hate

______________

Dear Overweight, Over Hate,

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, congratulations on taking steps to feel better about yourself! The important thing to remember is that your happiness and self worth should not be contingent on your size, how much you weigh, or how much fat you have.

I have had to reflect a lot on this topic over the years, especially since aligning myself within the body positive and fat acceptance movements. I did a lot of research on this issue, and there were many conflicting results about how to reconcile body positivity while wanting to lose weight. I tried to crowdsource opinions from my Facebook friends as well, but found that there was as much disagreement within that subgroup as there was on the Internet at large.

Let’s first break this issue down into a few subtopics: fatphobia, health, and self love.

[bctt tweet=”Let’s first break this issue down into a few subtopics: fatphobia, health, and self love.”]

A lot of fat acceptance bloggers say that weight loss is fatphobic by nature and therefore can’t be a part of the fat acceptance or body positive movements. Others say that being body positive is about loving your body – no matter what size – and deconstructing the idea of good vs bad bodies, therefore losing weight is fine as long as you pursue it within the framework of loving yourself. But I guess the question remains, how do you do that in a society that is so fatphobic and privileges thin bodies?

Fatphobia is an incredibly pervasive issue that lingers whenever people talk about body politics. This is an incredibly thorough scholarly article that discusses both the physical and psychological consequences of fatphobia on individuals and in society. Fatphobia is also inherently ableist and classist. Framing fatphobia as a health issue is also damaging, entirely false, and sensationalist. (What does it mean to be “overweight”? Over what weight? Who gets to decide? What metrics are we using?)

This is a beautiful zine that can help you feel better about your body and deconstruct negative associations that come with being ‘fat’ or of size in our current society. Please check it out! Page 8 has a great set of ideas for how to feel positive at every size.

Fatphobia, and classifying obesity as a disease and an epidemic, is not only sensationalist but creates a culture of fear. I think using fear as a motivator for anything is unhelpful and unhealthy. I am glad that is not your motivation at all.

I also think that when we talk about “health” we must think of it holistically. My friend who is into bodybuilding explained this really well: feeling good and creating healthy habits is the goal, aesthetic changes are the byproduct. Unfortunately, in our casual discourse, we often conflate the three. I caution myself, and others, from putting too much stock in the aesthetic byproducts (i.e. looking attractive) because I think that is superficial, and can be fleeting, for many reasons. This study even talks about how fat acceptance creates the optimal environment to make healthy changes and lose weight.

Basically, our bodies are not public property. If we believe in autonomy then we must also believe that we cannot place value judgments on our own or other people’s size and health. People should not be shamed for being fat, nor losing or gaining fat/size/weight.

Part of the reason why a lot of rhetoric surrounding “losing weight” contradicts with body positivity, and my personal politics, is that the conversation often dissociates our bodies from ourselves. Our bodies are part of our identities. When we say or think hurtful things about our body, or specific body parts (for me it has always been my stomach), we are behaving as though those parts are not *us*. I think it’s really important not to do that in order to maintain a positive body image, which is very hard to do – no matter your size – for women in this day and age.

I also think it’s harmful to draw unnecessary connections between being a certain size and being confident or happy. You can be confident and happy at any size. You can do so many things, no matter how big or small you are, because your body is powerful and awesome. Because you are powerful and awesome.

As women we are told to shrink ourselves, to not take up space, to be small. I’ve committed myself to being “thick“ (in the way that Melissa Harris Perry so perfectly describes) and to take up space and be powerful. For example, sometimes when I think about losing weight, I think of losing a part of myself and my size, which is perhaps not the right way to think about it, because my fat is not what makes me powerful. Instead, I’ve chosen to reframe things in terms of what I have *added* to myself: energy, muscle, strength, and longevity. In that sense, I think my health and fitness goals are absolutely in line with my politics.

Here are my five suggestions:

  1. Let’s make a pact that we do not stigmatize our – or other people’s – bodies based on their size or appearance
  2. Let’s learn to associate happiness with healthiness – and by healthiness I mean well-rounded, holistic, healthiness: psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical. One focus area is not enough. Spend as much time on your physical health as you do on your emotional health.
  3. I think if we reframe the discussion into one of self love and self care, then anything we do for ourselves, with love and compassion, is good for us: including exercising and eating nutritious food. However, everything in moderation.
  4. Commit to investing in and bettering yourself – in many ways. I think this eight-step list is very helpful, as is this great article that talks about balance.
  5. Add to yourself and do things that make you happy. For example, I love boxing. I love how it makes me feel – strong, agile, powerful – and it’s great that it’s good for my body too. I also feel like I am learning a new skill, so I am *adding* to myself, rather than taking something (weight/fat) away or trying to shrink my size.

I hope that helps!

Lots of love,

Samaa

Do you have any questions for Samaa? 

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to asksamaa@comingoffaith.com.

 

 

Categories
Love Life Stories

ASK SAMAA: How do I get my confidence back?

lady with glasses
www.candiceelaineh.com

Dear Samaa,

How do I overcome impostor syndrome? Especially given the internal conflict in separating humility from entitlement and trying not to appear too condescending. Why does my confidence, as a woman, always seem to be rejected by social circles?

Sincerely,

Confident in all the Wrong Places

______________

 

Dear Confident in all the Wrong Places,

Let’s talk about impostor syndrome. 

From Wikipedia: Impostor syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. Notably, impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women.

So, first of all, it’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s also interesting to note that impostor syndrome disproportionately affects intelligent, driven women. Check out this pioneering study by Clance and Imes that discusses this issue in more detail. Impostor syndrome can hold you back from exploring new and challenging pursuits, and also cause you to (falsely) attribute your successes to chance or luck, rather than your own skill and talent.

Everyone from the American Psychological Association to Forbes has written about the impostor syndrome, and how to combat feeling like a fraud. This is a great essay by Julie Zhuo on dealing with her experiences as a woman in technology, and feeling like an impostor. Folks at CalTech and at the Harvard Business Review have discussed the pervasiveness of the impostor syndrome in academia and in the workplace. There are lots of great resources available to you, and I encourage you to Google strategies that may work for you in helping you to overcome impostor syndrome.

There’s a lot of stuff to unpack when we talk about the impostor syndrome, and more directly to your question, we need to break down connections between fear, failure, and shame.

[bctt tweet=”The only person you need to convince of your success is yourself. “]

Here are my five suggestions:

  1. Make a list of things you are good at, things that you enjoy, and things that other people like/appreciate about you. Hold those strengths to be true. Refer back to that list if/when you start to doubt yourself. Being confident and powerful should not threaten anyone else. Your strength does not make you condescending. People who cannot see that have their own issues to work through. It is not your responsibility to carry the burden of guilt on behalf of other people who are not comfortable with themselves.
  2. OWN IT. What if you are an impostor? Is that a bad thing? Why? The only person you need to convince of your success is yourself. Don’t worry about being perfect. Talk about failure openly. Share your experiences with your friends and loved ones. You’ll find that everyone feels inadequate sometimes, but you love them anyway. Extend that same consideration/generosity to yourself. Love yourself even if you are not perfect.
  3. Sign up for Valerie Young’s Weekly Confidence Builder newsletters.
  4. Challenge the concept of shame. Why do we allow [bctt tweet=”Do you think we, as women, let shame and fear hold us back from being happy and owning our true potential?”] Try to dissociate failure from shame. Shame is a destructive feeling. Make a promise to yourself that you refuse to feel shamed – by anyone else or yourself. Think about the more productive and positive ways you can channel those same stimuli into other feelings/actions. 
  5. Read this quote by Marianne Williamson: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Hope that helps!

Lots of love,

Samaa

 

Do you have any questions for Samaa? 

Send all of your questions about body positivity, confidence, and fashion to asksamaa@comingoffaith.com. 

 

Categories
Love Life Stories

ASK SAMAA: How do I learn to love myself?

madame lestrange
Pinterest.com

Hi Samaa,

I need your advice. I have slowly started to appreciate myself in terms of who I am, my looks, faith, abilities, opportunities, family and friends. However, there are those days when  I criticize myself so harshly that I notice. What can I do to act and be more positive? Thank you!

Daisy

______________

Dear Daisy,

Thank you so much for this question!

I am so glad to hear that you have made strides in your confidence! That is an incredibly powerful step in nurturing your wellbeing, and I hope you keep working at it and building on it.

At the same time, we all have days when we feel we are not at our best. It’s easy to fall back into negative patterns, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot work your way out of a slump.

I hope the following five suggestions can help you feel more positive:

1) Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.

Would you ever say the hurtful things that you say to yourself to a friend? Most likely not. Be your own best friend. Be the kind and supportive friend you need. Make sure that all of the things you say to yourself are filled with compassion and understanding. Be patient with yourself.

One of my favorite poems by nayyirah waheed is

“i love myself.’

the 

quietest.

simplest. 

most

powerful.

revolution. 

ever.”

2) Repeat a mantra or an affirmation.

Check out this great deck of Daily Affirmations from Planned Parenthood. You can download the cards here.

My favorites are:

“You are an expert on yourself. No one knows better than you who you are or what you need,” “Sometimes bravery is ‘I will try again tomorrow,'””When I show myself compassion, I resist all the ways in which I have been taught to judge and police myself,” “You are not ‘too much’ – you are exactly enough,” “Feelings are information – my body or my heart is telling me something – and I get to decide how to use that information,” and “I can be proud of my healing process even if it starts and stops.”

3) Don’t internalize your negative thoughts to traits about yourself.

Try not to critique your personal attributes, characteristics, or features. 

Instead, make a list of things that are bothering you. For example, are you feeling stressed about an assignment/work, family, or friends? Identify the causes/sources of your frustration, and work through how you can solve those individual issues. That is much more productive than putting yourself down and hurting your self esteem in the process.

4) Make a list of three positive things that have happened to you, or that you have achieved, today.

It may seem small, but listing down all the good things that are happening in your life can make you appreciate yourself and your environment more. Is three easy enough to do? How about listing five, or ten positive things? 

I like using Coach.Me to track my daily tasks, and it also gives me reminders to complete my tasks, including Writing Three Positive Things About Today.

[bctt tweet=”What are three positive things you did today?”]

5) Fake it till you make it!

Studies have shown that the simple act of smiling can elevate your mood. Check out this excellent Ted talk on the hidden power of smiling. 

Good luck! Remember, it’s okay to have a bad day, and it’s okay to feel down, but don’t internalize those feelings towards yourself. You are perfect as you are, and exactly who you are supposed to be.

Take care of yourself.

Lots of love and empathy,

Samaa

 

Categories
Mind Love + Sex Love Advice

The five-step guide for what to do when you’ve been ghosted

Photo by Zun Zun from Pexels

Ghosting (definition adapted from Urban Dictionary):

A term used to describe when a person one has been seeing for a while stops taking calls and answering their texts. These actions are usually preceded by many a broken promise to “hang out” or “catch up” on the part of the Ghoster. The Ghostee is left wondering whether the person that who was infatuated with them two weeks ago is now alive or dead. Neither can be definitively proven.

Ghosting is a huge part of life in the 21st century. If you have dated anyone in this millennium, ghosting is practically the calling card of our generation. A study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that out of about 1,300 study participants, 25% had ghosted people, and 20% of respondents had been ghosted themselves. Ghosting does not only refer to romantic situations, but also to friendships, being flaky and not following up in situations in general.

We know it’s rude and that we shouldn’t do it, but we do.

When you are the ghost, it is an easier tactic than dealing with your problems directly. But when you get ghosted, it’s really hurtful, especially when it is by someone who you really care about. Maybe you are going through a breakup, maybe it is a former friend, or perhaps it is just someone who you thought cared about you more than they evidently do.

As a recent Ghostee, I can attest to the awfulness of reaching out to someone for support only to find that they’ve disappeared, but I can also attest to the fact that I’m over it. Now that I’ve made it through, I’ve compiled five easy steps to help you get through being ghosted, so you can bounce back and continue to be the fabulous person that you are!

 1. Accept it. You’ve been ghosted.

Oprah saying What
giphy.com

In every process towards self-actualization, you must first accept the situation you are in. No, their phone hasn’t stopped receiving texts; sorry, they aren’t “super busy”; nope, this wasn’t a mistake. Unfortunately, you have been well and truly ghosted. It’s really hard to let go of the idea that this person has let you down and failed you, but this fundamental acceptance is necessary to move on.

 2. Feel angry/sad/disappointed/hurt/frustrated.

Liz Lemon saying "Everything is the worst"
giphy.com

This is an incredibly important step. Let yourself feel all that you need to. Of course you’re upset – how dare they?!

At this stage you might find yourself in denial again – check the text you sent, it says “Delivered,” but WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? You will wonder what you did wrong, but the truth is, you did not do anything to warrant the unpredictable disappearance of a friend from your life.

 3. Think about how to respond.

Rey from star wars thinking
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Resist the urge to keep pursuing the issue. It will only make you feel worse. You do not need to subject yourself to more negative emotions.

Truly, if someone cared about you, you would not begin to doubt their affection due to a lack of communication.

 4. Decide that the best reaction is none at all.

Beyonce hair flip
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Trying to get that person to remember how wonderful you are is not going to make things better. You should never have to make a case for yourself in order to get someone else to treat you with the respect that you deserve. If you have to do that, they clearly do not respect you enough to begin with.

Also, the fact that your values do not align on foundational matters, such as communication, shows that you two are perhaps incompatible for any sort of relationship – romantic, or otherwise.

 5. Realize that you are a badass.

Girls walking like a badass
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You never have to tell someone, “Hey! Come back! I am worth it!” because, it’s true, you are worth it. You have to know that. No one else can validate that for you.

You do not need someone back in your life who can hurt you like that, or who can make you feel unwanted, or insecure. Anyone who can make you feel inferior in any way, or make you doubt yourself, is not a friend. Even if the Ghost comes back in your life, the fact that they have had that impact on you, and have been able to mess with your feelings, means that there is nothing left to salvage.

I believe that the second you lose confidence in a relationship, it’s over. As soon as you stop trusting someone, it’s over. If you get suspicious, it’s over.

Continue to be awesome, immerse yourself in activities that make you feel great about yourself, and realize you are much better off without the negative energy in your life.

The one thing that you can do that makes you a real badass, is to say, “Yeah, you ghosted me. You are going to miss me. This is your loss. I do not need you.”