Do you have what it takes to fuck trans women? Are you competent, compassionate, and capable of consent?
If you are like me, then your sex education in school probably didn’t teach you the practical techniques of how to actually have sex. In my school, we watched a couple movies about hormones, erections, menstruation, how a fetus becomes a baby, and then they handed out our choice of needlessly gendered sampler deodorant. They didn’t tell us anything about being LGBTQ.
But maybe you were lucky and your sex education was a little more comprehensive, congratulations! Do you know how to have sex with a trans woman? Well-meaning progressives might be thinking to themselves that it’s basically the same for everyone, the idea being that gender shouldn’t matter. The truth is that people still don’t understand consent, trans women are highly fetishized, and what is considered sex is subjective.
Congrats to you cisgender ladies and gents, this is your chance to learn something about fucking trans women.
On paper, consent is fairly simple and straightforward. Everybody gets to decide for themselves what happens to them when interacting with other people. The problem is that growing up in rape culture means that even when we’ve been taught the basics of consent, there’s an immense amount of assumptions and ideas that need reflection and deconstruction.
People assume they have a right to know all kinds of information about trans women. Is she on hormones? Has she had the surgery? Are her tits real? What is her real name? None of this information is anyone’s business but hers. These questions may seem rude, because they are, but they get asked all the time and they’re not even the worst of it. If these are the burning questions you need to know before fucking a trans woman, you’re probably not ready to fuck a trans woman and you don’t deserve her anyway.
Dysphoria and Sex
Dysphoria is a phenomenon some trans people experience in which there is a dissonance between desired self-image, perceived self-image, and how the rest of the world perceives and reacts to a person’s gender. This is separate and in many ways detached from the medical community’s definition of gender dysphoria.
Just as no two cis people are the same, no two trans women are the same. For trans women who experience dysphoria, there may be parts of the body that cause a great deal of discomfort, anxiety, shame, and other unpleasant thoughts or feelings. If you’re not sure, ask.
Don’t expect a trans woman to use her dick. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t. Some trans women may not use it because of dysphoria, others may not use it in ways you’d expect. Some trans women may use strap-ons, others won’t.
Among cisgender heterosexual people, there’s a myth that sex is penetration and anything else is just foreplay. The truth is that plenty of people don’t want or enjoy penetrative sex and instead opt for non-penetrative sex or outercourse.
Techniques for non-penetrative sex are something that anyone having sex could really benefit from, because the human body has so many places for potential stimulation. Don’t know where to start? Try tracing your fingers along curves, lines, and creases. Lick, suck, or stroke the inner thigh. Massage the scalp and then transition to light hair pulling (be sure to talk about this before doing it).
Some trans women will know exactly what feels good, what they want; other trans women will present you with the opportunity to collaborate in finding what makes her toes curl. If you’re not prepared for this, stick to an old sock or vibrator and a bottle of KY jelly.
It’s not me, it’s you
There are some great resources about having sex with trans women, including the incredible art zine “Fucking Trans Women” by Mira Bellwether. The problem is that too many people read things like this and treat it like a checklist. If having sex with a trans woman is some strange or weird thing you’re thinking of trying, stop. Trans women are people. Because of harmful stereotypes about trans women in porn, movies, and television trans women are often treated like some exotic or forbidden kink.
What assumptions do you bring to sexual relationships with trans women?
Figure out what excites you, what scares you, and whether those things are based on the idea of trans women or the actual trans women you know.
These are things you, a person who might have sex with trans woman, can reflect on before actually hooking up with a trans woman.