I am an unapologetic feminist. I always have been, my dad nurtured me into becoming a no-nonsense feminist in a relatively misogynistic household. Therefore, I have been vocal about everything starting from intersectionality to the sexual health of women. Thus, when I had to fake my orgasms I started feeling like a fraud.

I have solely been vocal about my wants and desires. Undeterred by almost everything my family could throw at me, I learned to express myself in a space where my opinions weren’t welcome. Therefore, I started speaking up against brown body shaming and brown racism. Unfortunately, things changed when I got into a relationship.

I was super young and we thought we were in love. We did share an incredible emotional intimacy and were friends before we started dating. I could tell him everything that came into my mind and he appreciated both my quirks and my kinks. Thus, we moved slowly and steadily into a more physical platform.

Full disclosure, I love sex! I adore everything about touch and sexual intimacy. The thought of pleasure drives me insane and I have always been very vocal about the wants and needs of women. Women need orgasms, deserve every soul-sucking luscious bit of it. Unfortunately, when it came to the conversation of my orgasm I chickened out.

I moaned and he got excited and I had to continue fake-moaning

I did love the touching and the kissing. Honestly, they did turn me on, but only to a certain extent. I had given myself more pleasure than I had received in the uneventful relationship I was in. It wasn’t extremely serious, but emotional intimacy? That was incredible. I thought the sexual aspect would have matched up to the bonding we originally had but no, it didn’t.

So, when it came to the actual deed, I moaned and he got excited and I had to continue fake-moaning. And thus, I ultimately ended up faking the orgasm. Yes, I was turned on but no way had I reached the climax. I was ashamed to admit after it all happened and so I kept quiet. I knew he would understand but I also felt he would feel sad. And I didn’t want him to feel sad, if that makes sense! So, this continued more than once, and I couldn’t climax at any instant. Believe me, when I pleasured myself I felt like a Goddess but just couldn’t even feel the iota of satisfaction I felt when I was with him.

This series of dishonest moments made me feel like a hypocrite, which I technically was. I have always asked women to speak up about their wants and desires and ridiculously could not even speak frankly with the guy who had supposedly loved me. I thought I had failed as a feminist, and felt ashamed of myself.

This affected me a lot. Being a feminist is what I am, it is essentially one of the most important parts of my being. I felt I had not only let my feminist self down, but also had disappointed myself. I was the woman speaking about female sexuality and vocalizing about orgasms for women all around me. Unfortunately I couldn’t even apply my advice to myself.

Later, after I had broken up with my then boyfriend, I told him how he hadn’t really pleasured me. I realized he had become upset, but he was mature enough to keep that aside and talk to me as a friend. We had ended on good terms and he still remains one of my closest friends. He told me how I had always been a type-A personality wanting everyone to like me. Probably that had affected my psyche and instigated me to lie. He knew I knew he loved me, but he knew I always wondered if he liked the kind of person I was.

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I realized I owed not just myself but my partner the truth as well. It was indeed a learning curve for me where I doubted myself constantly. I doubted my identity as a feminist and I doubted my ability to be hardcore honest. But, you learn your lessons from your greatest mistakes and regrets. So currently I know how to talk to a partner about my sexual needsand about how and when I don’t orgasm. They deserve the truth as much as us.

You are never a perfect feminist, but you can keep trying! And I try my hardest to not fail even if it is tough for me. I have learned it isn’t just about being vocal about issues but trying to accept hard truths in real life as well.

So, don’t fake an orgasm. Just tell it to your partner and clear it up so you don’t have to remain orgasm-less or make yourself cum because I honestly know and love my vagina the most!

  • Deboparna Poddar

    Deboparna Poddar is a student majoring in Economics and an unequivocal feminist and socialist. She is a writer and extremely passionate about her causes, is determined and loves to read.