My story started in August when I first met Hamza*. I didn’t realize I had a crush until after it happened. By then, I understood it was more than just a crush. He was cute, funny, nice, and cared about me – what else could I have really needed? Since we met, nothing stopped us from being friends, even if his damn ambiguity got in the way. I had a feeling he might’ve liked me back. Unfortunately, I think I was wrong about it.
And yet, I’m still not sure.
Let me start from the beginning:
Hamza and I both work for the same media organization, this was how we got to know each other.
One day, I got really tired of one of my classes and asked my friend to pull me out to go to the media room. When I walked into the room, something felt off.
My friend had already told me that some people were discussing me with Hamza. It was an unsettling feeling, but I brushed it off. Whispers settled around me as I took a seat next to my friend. He had already turned away.
Out of the blue, someone asked, “Do you have a crush on him?”
My heartbeat increased almost immediately as this awkward and uncomfortable question slipped out of her mouth.
Who knew a question like that could make my palms sweaty and my breath shallow and my heart nearly stop? I did have a crush on him, undeniably. But, I would never admit it to them. Hamza was right there– watching and listening.
How did those girls think I would ever tell them the answer to that question in front of him?
After that question, things were temporarily awkward. But soon enough, our friendship settled. I would roast him again; he would tell me my roasts were bad; and so on it went.
I had missed a key point while all of this was happening. Yes, my friend did say they were talking about me, but she didn’t clarify exactly what they were saying. I learned later that they had asked him how the same question as well, but about another girl, and he had refused profusely. And that’s where I came into the conversation.
After that, they proceeded to ask him about his feelings for me, whether he had any. And this time, he didn’t have an answer.
In typical fashion, rumors were flying within our organization that we were ‘a thing’.
You could say I was hopeful. But I only held onto that hope for so long.
Whenever I did ask him anything remotely similar to whether or not he liked me or wanted a relationship, he would always ignore it. He avoided it as if if he did answer it, the whole world would blow up. But I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why he couldn’t just say “no”. It’s a two-fricking-letter word. Ambiguity has no place in love for me. If you like me, then you like me. If you don’t, then you don’t; and that’s that. There’s no way to ignore your feelings or pretend like you don’t have them. Having a crush is not the end of the world.
I keep thinking maybe it was my fault. Maybe I’m overthinking all of this, and maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Or, maybe he felt embarrassed by me. Maybe it was because I’m not friends with his friends. Maybe he just didn’t like me and wanted to stay friends, but couldn’t find a way to tell me.
However, all of these reasons weren’t validations to not tell someone if you like them or not.
If he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he should’ve said so. If he didn’t want my feelings to get hurt, that’s life; I’m going to get hurt at some point. If he felt embarrassed by me, then that’s his loss. And, if it was because I’m not friends with his friends, what does that have to do with our relationship? If he didn’t like me and wants to stay friends, then why did he tell me that his mother refused instead of him?
There is no foolproof test to tell whether or not someone likes you back, and that’s all the more reason to come right out and tell them. Stop hiding behind a “maybe,” and just choose. No matter how many times you google “signs that a guy likes you,” You know you won’t find your answer unless it comes from them.
But now, I don’t give a damn if he says he doesn’t like me; I just want to know. I’m absolutely sick of it.
So stop pissing me off, and please, just TELL me if you like me or not.
Just tell me.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.