I’ve never been in this position in my life. I’ve been fighting this feeling for a few months now. Am I considering having an emotional affair?

I have been married for five years and have a beautiful 19-month-old.

And yet here I am obsessing over a colleague and it’s so unsettling. What’s the big deal, you ask? I agree, being attracted to someone else is a common phenomenon, but what happens when it feels like more than that? When you want to act it out? However, what do you do when it comes to a point when you have this feeling to do something that might turn into an affair?

He joined my office three months ago and the attraction has only been growing since then.

The feeling makes me feel like a schoolgirl. Locking glances with him, exchanging texts, the occasional smile, I constantly find myself caught off guard by my intense feelings.

He joined my office three months ago and the attraction has only been growing since then.

But things get serious when you think of acting upon them – think of going out for lunch, the occasional meet-ups after work, traveling together for assignments. Working in the same office makes interactions inevitable but try to limit it.

 

Amidst this rush of feelings for an officemate, the thought of going back home every day and facing my husband leaves me heartbroken. I didn’t mean to act upon my attraction. I don’t mean to have an affair. Neither do I want my feelings to come in the way of my blessed marriage. But how does one deal with these desires? What begins as harmless flirting or a casual date can turn into something more serious before you know it. 

I had the urge to open up to someone – a friend or someone from work, but I feared being judged. “Are you having an affair? Are you in love?”

I fear these questions that I don’t have answers to. I find him attractive probably because I have reached the ‘monotonous’ phase of my marriage.

Emotional affairs are hard to identify.

My husband and I had an arranged marriage and things have always been smooth, secure, and perfect. Probably, we have been missing the “mystery” element and the charm of a new relationship. Perhaps I wanted a little excitement in my life that was missing in my marriage. But that doesn’t justify my thought process.   

Sometimes, this is frankly inevitable and understandably so. Emotional affairs are hard to identify. When you start looking for emotional support and companionship from a new relationship outside your marriage, and also experience sexual tension or chemistry, you know you are in trouble. 

Well, if you find yourself in a similar situation, here are a couple of things you can do:

1. When you realize or find someone hitting on you, take the ethical route and avoid the sex talk, no-nonsense conversations, and always let the other person know that they cannot cross the friend zone. 

2. Be honest with yourself and with the person who is trying to hit on you. Pop up your partner’s name a couple of times. Show that you aren’t interested.

3. What’s most important is that you need to start working on your marriage. Point blank, period.

4. Talk to your partner. Communication is key in any relationship – speak to them and tell them how you feel.

5. Consider going to couples counseling – every marriage has its ups and downs but if it is just a little chemistry that is missing – you sure can work on it.

6. Sex can help bring that lost connection back. If you want your marriage to work, give this a try.

7. Tell your partner about your emotional affair. Apologize and explain that it will never happen again. Do not get into a blame game, that’s not a great solution. 

8. Do everything possible to rekindle the marriage. Take a break or go for a vacation. Spending time with your partner is a good way to get your mind back on track. Show them some love – small gestures, gifts, surprises might seem trivial but can be a mood changer. 

What’s most important is that you need to start working on your marriage. 

9. Lastly, always have that one friend who you can trust. Find someone who you can confide in and tell them all your secrets – someone who will not judge and will stop you from doing what’s wrong. I got my best friend doing that for me. I hope you have one too.

Finding a colleague enticing is common and a lot of people go through it. But take your time to explore how you really feel if you wish to act upon it and have an affair. Don’t let a few happy moments ruin a lifetime of togetherness and happiness with your partner and family.


https://thetempest.co/?p=122519
Mrinalini Sundar

By Mrinalini Sundar

Editorial fellow