Mind, Love, Life Stories

How I finally allowed myself to choose my voice

All my life, this is what I've wanted and I'm finally able to revel in it.

If you had asked me who I was four years ago, I wouldn’t know how to answer. I’d give you a generic response – writer, English Literature major, Pakistani – three basics. 

Four years ago, there was a lot about myself I didn’t know. 

I didn’t know what the meaning of my pain was. 

I didn’t know what the importance of writing in my life was.

But mostly, I didn’t know what the importance of being selfish was. 

For years I had been giving myself to the people around me. Cutting tiny pieces of myself and sharing them with a world that sometimes didn’t want them.

Here’s a piece for you…

And one for the woman on the road,

One for the friend I tried too hard to keep,

One for the friend that took me for granted,

One for the girl from my class who needed my notes…

Today, I collect all my pieces. I scoop them up and decide when they’re right to give. I smile when it’s earned. I laugh when I feel it. I express my feelings when I need to. Because otherwise, it all falls through the cracks and pulls you down with it.

Today, I sit at a cafe. My favorite cafe. Drinking my favorite iced coffee. Writing about what this moment tastes like. And let me tell you this, it tastes like deciding. It tastes like owning my choices. It tastes like the dreams I dreamed of at 13.

For a long time, my life was just passing by, and I didn’t seem to have any control over it.

I fell into two jobs. At the moment, I did really want them and they helped me, in many ways. But they weren’t really, truly pushing my career into what I needed

Now, I’ve finally allowed myself space to be selfish and say what I truly want out of life – to write. To carry emotions on files, feelings in my pockets, and lace my letters with the written script so it dances when it comes to life. 

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I fell in love with words the way the sun spreads light over the night — slowly and then all at once ☀️ ☀️ ☀️ • • • • • • ———————————————————————————————————————————————— #poem #poetry #writersofig #writing #writingsonthewall #writinghelps #maheenhumayun #writinginprogress #girloncobblestones #writinginpakistan #karachiwriters #poetsofkarachi #girloncobblestones #writerscommunity #instagrampoetry #artjournal #artjournaling #journal #wordswithkings #wordswithqueens #poettree #justlifequotes #illogicalpoemworld #artlixirpoetry #runawaywriters #wordhour #poetryartistsunite

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Many people ask me: you have many talents, why do you want to write?

It’s a life without money,

It’s a life that is unstable,

It’s a life that lacks direction.

And I want to tell them all the truth behind it…

It’s a life with rewards,

It’s a life with meaning,

It’s a life filled with promise,

And it’s my life.

I wish I could tell them that nothing feels as good as when I finish a story or a poem. And I know it’s painful, as a process. I know that sometimes it feels completely useless and it’s completely frustrating. I know it’s incredibly isolating and when I feel it, when I really truly feel it, I can’t be around anyone or anything, just my hands on the keyboard. 

Clacking away…

a… b… c…

because this is who I’m meant to be.

Everything that happens in my life, I see it on paper. Over and over again.

It becomes evocative and purposeful, and turns what was dull into color. And isn’t that the inherent beauty of life?

Because for me, it’s always been about that.

And four years later, this is what I’m happiest about.

That I chose the one part of me that feels most like home – my voice.

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Some days I see myself floating Through the clouds I’m alice in wonderland I’m peter in neverland. Some days I see myself tied up In the darkness I’m Persephone in the underworld I’m the woman in a yellow wallpaper. Most days I’m in between Trying to find a bridge that brings me together. • • • • • • ———————————————————————————————————————————————— #poem #poetry #writersofig #writing #writingsonthewall #writinghelps #maheenhumayun #writinginprogress #girloncobblestones #writinginpakistan #karachiwriters #poetsofkarachi #girloncobblestones #writerscommunity #instagrampoetry #artjournal #artjournaling #journal #wordswithkings #wordswithqueens #poettree #justlifequotes #illogicalpoemworld #artlixirpoetry #runawaywriters #wordhour #poetryartistsunite

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