Arranged marriages continue to be commonly practiced in many cultures.
An arranged marriage involves having a potential spouse suggested by parents, friends or other family members. The two people are often given the opportunity to talk and hang out before sealing the deal. For this reason, anyone in that position should have a list of questions to ask their potential future spouse in order to understand if they are compatible.
While it is good to know what shows they watch on Netflix or what kind of music they like, I think everyone can spend their time a little better if they have a list of questions prepared. Inspired by Yasmin Nassiry, a la YasGuru, a matchmaker and relationship expert, these three questions are perfect to build a list off of.
1. Find out their core values.
We are pulled towards people who have the same core values. Look at your longest relationships and think about why you get along with those people. It’s often because you have shared values and you gravitate towards them. Someone you get along with doesn’t necessarily need to have the same taste in music or clothes. That’s a superficial and immature way of thinking. Just because two people like to watch different shows doesn’t mean they won’t get along.
We are not closest to people who are our clones. We are often closet to people who respect the same things we do and who in general have similar values. If you are someone who values education for example, and you meet someone who thinks education is useless, then you need to think about how well you can get along with that person. It’s not that he or she has to be highly educated, but if you pursue further education and your spouse continuously questions why you are studying or doesn’t value your learning, then that leads to fundamental problems down the line.
This also means that you have to figure out what some of your core values are so that you can make sure that your potential spouse has some of those same values.
2. Figure out what your major deal-breakers are!
The next thing you need to find out is what is a deal-breaker for you and if the person you are considering for marriage has any of those issues. These are factors that are absolutely non-negotiable and if you compromise on them, you’ll end up miserable. Compromising is required in any relationship, especially marriage, but there are certain things that people either don’t have the patience for or don’t believe in at all. You need to ask your potential spouse how he/she feels about those factors because it could lead to difficulties later.
For example, if you’re absolutely against drinking alcohol, for religious reasons or otherwise but your potential spouse drinks, even casually, you need to consider if that will become a problem later in the marriage. Going into a relationship knowing that he or she drinks and asking them to change afterward is unfair. This shouldn’t be a list of 100 things by any means, but knowing a few things that you absolutely cannot compromise on is important to have a successful marriage.
3. Spend time together in a public place.
This one might seem obvious, but sometimes the reason to go out is not just to spend time together. Going out with someone in public, especially to a restaurant, gives you the chance to observe how your potential spouse interacts with others. Let’s be honest, when you meet someone for marriage, they’re often putting their best foot forward and showing you their best side, which is great. But, people often lie when they first meet someone. People tend to act nicer than they actually are or act more accommodating than they are in general. So you want to give yourself some time and see your potential spouse interact with others to get an idea of how they behave.
Is your date nice to the waiter or are they rude? If the food comes out cold or takes too long how does he or she react immediately? Are they quick to get angry? See if you can spend time in a few different settings and be aware of how your date is treating others because that is probably how they will treat you eventually. Observation is key!
Now that you have a few things to consider, this should make it easier to separate the absolute no-gos from the realistic potential spouses. But remember, this also requires that you get to know yourself first and what you think is important in life.
Without that, you’ll never find the partner right for you.