We’re in bed, the lights are on and I want so much for all of this to be happening with the lights off.
I’m squirming on my back while I grip my boyfriend’s sheets. I’m trying my best to breathe and stay present enough to orgasm, but I can’t get my head around the fact that my boyfriend is in between my leg straight up eating me out while I’m on my period.
I love being gone down on.
I’m even embarrassed to admit that I’ve been with partners with whom I’ve had amazing sex, but who did not reciprocate oral. There have been times when my pleasure has felt like a burden. I could sense their discomfort when we were intimate with each other and often times, despite my very vocal personality, I did not speak up.
I’ll admit I’ve internalized all the things about my body with which men have become uncomfortable — how I smell, the way taste, the size of my lips, the hair on my vagina, or lack thereof at times.
The men I’ve been with have always felt comfortable gently pushing me down and gesturing at what they wanted, but when it has been my turn to do the same, my wants have been dismissed. The feminist in me would scream internally and yell at me, “This is not how it’s supposed to be, sis.”
My boyfriend eating me out while I was on my period made me confront another one of my insecurities.
I have spent so many years hating my period. I got my first period way later than my friends in middle school. I remember one of my friends got her period at 11; I used to be jealous of my friends and their periods until I knew what cramps were. And honestly, I think I hate my cramps more than I do my period itself. In high school, my mom would have to pick me up from school because I would faint from how bad the pain was.
At one point, I switched over to tampons to not deal with the blood.
Later in my twenties, I became a pro at stopping my period from coming altogether by leaving my NuvaRing in for the past three weeks. It’s only now that I’m 25 that I have started making peace with my body. When we’re on our periods’ people make comments that are condensing and speak to women being emotionally unstable.
This video, Thirteen Things We’re Tired of Hearing About Our Periods, sums up just some of the things we as women need to deal with; not to mention we also experience negative talk it in the bedrooms when we’re made to feel that out bodily function is disgusting to put up with. As a yoga instructor, I have become more spiritual and ritualistic. I see my period as a sign of strength now. I bleed every month and do not die – that has got to be some sort of superpower.
I have become comfortable with my period, but I have not done away with all of the shame. My boyfriend is still between my legs, and to my surprise, he is literally having the time of his life. This is all so new to me. We haven’t turned the lights off. I still have VIP front seat tickets to his moans. He spreads my lips apart and tells me, “Damn baby, you taste so good.”
He reaches for my hands, looks up at me, and tells me “Baby, you’re phenomenal.” I have got to be dreaming.
I let go of the tension in my lower back.
I lay there calmly, breathing full uninterrupted breaths while he continues to take in all of me. I’m anxious for the moment to end, but at the same time, I want to be in it as long as possible. I ease into it. Now I want nothing more than for it to go on long enough for the dots in my head to connect and realize that I have always deserved this kind of appreciation. I want to stay in it long enough to feel deserving without feeling grossed out.
This feels like the biggest “fuck you” to self-hate.