Technically speaking, the police do not exist for one’s benefit of harassing a group of people.
But in the world of concerned white civilians and neighborhood watches, which are arguably interchangeable, we have been inundated with stories of Black people having the police called on them for sleeping in their dorm common rooms, asking for plastic cutlery, and barbecuing in a public park. It’s as if an agency whose roots can be traced to preserving slavery can be weaponized for white convenience, but also the Caucacity to do so with impunity.
Though to be fair, it’s not their fault we’re not white. Have you tried to discern who is the threat: a Black child with a pellet gun from a white teen who brings an assault rifle to a school? Or a Black girl hanging poolside in a bathing suit. The onus is on us to be less threatening. So in the spirit of black preservation, here are some tips on avoiding white people calling the cops on you.
1. Hire a skywriter so you never show up unannounced
Understand that seeing a minority in a white space can be jarring. To put everyone at ease, keep a skywriter on retainer, so they can introduce you whenever you’re staying in an Airbnb or taking a campus tour. Remember your existence is to entertain. And who doesn’t love seeing a small plane write “Jesus” in the clouds, followed by your criminal history?
2. Align yourself with the “Justice for Harambe” crowd
Casually mention the injustice and savage murders of Cecil the Lion and Harambe. They’ll forget to report that you were trespassing on your property by going into a diatribe on why the kid’s neglectful parents should have gotten shot instead of Harambe.
3. Wear closed-toe shoes to the park
If you’re a Black man 40-years-old and up, consider trading in your fisherman sandals with a closed toe shoe, ideally something with velcro in all designated grill zones in city parks. This is more so for your safety as wearing open toe shoes does create a pending threat when worn while barbecuing.
In other news, the city of Philadelphia will honor the brave men who celebratory burned, flipped, and committed other forms of self-expression towards cars after the Eagles victory by giving them the key to the city.
4. Ditch the cutlery and start eating with your hands
Get rid of your cutlery in exchange for eating with your hands.
White people will follow suit thinking it’s some strange, new trend that you created despite it being the norm across the world. Plus, opting out of plastic cutlery will help lower your carbon footing, which will win you points with your white, bohemian neighbor with dreadlocks who was five minutes away from reporting you to the homeowners’ association for leaving your garbage can out the day after pick up.
5. Give them permission to say all the words in M.A.A.D City
What white people won’t admit is that they really want to say the n-word in rap songs. Kendrick Lamar’s M.A.A.D City helped them through a rough patch last month, in which they witness a group of Black golfers using a putter throughout the course, instead of switching between clubs for short and long distance shots. The situation still has them shaken.
Besides aren’t we just oppressing ourselves by not letting them say it? For it was Martin Luther King Jr. who once said, “no one is free until we are all free to say it.”
6. Use the “all Black people know each other” excuse to your benefit
Unlike white people, who share the one Black friend, all Black and Brown people know each other.
Use this to your advantage, by suggesting that “Tyrone had wanted you two to meet.” Brad will be too busy trying to remember this nonexistent friend that he won’t notice that cashier has finished ringing up that jacket he had accused you of stealing.
7. Just don’t be black
I would suggest donning white face, but that’s reverse racism.