Gone are the days of the stigma of saying that you met someone through an online dating platform. Couples who meet online are proof that every person out there on the app is not pathetic or unable to meet people. But at the same time, the internet is filled with online dating horror stories – guys just looking to hook up, closeted misogynists, and of course, people who look nothing like the profile picture you were attracted too.
While these dating woes are very real and very frustrating, they do not have to overwhelm your journey towards the right partner. As a success story of online dating myself, and someone who has seen quite a few successful couples in my group of friends, hope exists. Do not self-sabotage, get ready to learn a lot about yourself and others, and enjoy yourself along the way!
[bctt tweet=”While online dating woes are real, they do not have to overwhelm your journey towards the right partner.” username=”wearethetempest”]
1. Online dating is a great way to be introduced to new people
You work a lot maybe, or big parties and groups do not feel like the best way to meet people. Or maybe you are a social butterfly and love big gatherings, but why not have another mode? After some swiping and filtering through who is worth your time to engage with, you meet new people in a much more meaningful way. I personally didn’t enjoy the concept of speed dating and places where people reminded both women and men that we are single. I already knew I was single, thank you very much.
2. Spend more time in person than on the phone or on chat
So you gave your number and gave that guy the green signal to take the conversation forward. Congratulations! After about an hour of conversation when you determine he is not a serial killer, meet him in a public place. No details of where you live, or anything else. Sometimes the problem with too much phone time is the in-person falls flat. After all, you want to fall in love with a human, not a screen.
[bctt tweet=”Couples who meet online are proof that every person out there on the app is not pathetic or unable to meet people” username=”wearethetempest”]
3. Use coffee or happy hour as your first meeting
With #2 in mind, keep the meeting at a low-key place without high expectations of a fancy dinner. Coffee or a quick beverage of any sort also is not too bad of an investment of time nor money. Let’s be real, sitting down with a person to dinner is a big investment, both in money and time. Do not be a jerk though and only choose the spot nearest to your own house (I once knew a guy who did that).
4. Find an “out strategy” in case a date is not going well
Oh, yes. This one is one that women tend to “feel bad about.” Well, don’t! Wrap up and say you have to finish a major deadline or that you are a boss who can’t miss out on your Tuesday night Bollywood workout class. Neither your nor his time is wasted.
5. If he is responding to you very sporadically or not calling after the first day, let it die
Many of us have perhaps made this mistake. Yes, he did see your message. No, you should not get so down on yourself if he did not respond exactly thirty seconds later. However, from experience, I can tell you it is obvious when someone really feels like talking to you and when they do not. Please do not read much more into it. Do not feel silly for thinking that the guy you like is not really giving you the time. He isn’t! Next, please. You’re a catch for a reason.
6. If he at any point is asking for sexy photos or invoking sex soon into the conversation or texts, let it die
If your goal is also to hookup and you are cool with that, then this does not apply to you. However, if this is not your goal, just stop bothering. No reason to get angry about it. It becomes even easier to keep your options open. Never do anything that you are not comfortable with or think you need to do it to be more attractive.
7. If he only talks about himself and takes no interest in your life or what you have to say, please let it die
It seems easy. Someone shuts up for maybe thirty seconds or at least wants to know more about you. This also comes from body language while YOU are talking to him. Does he fidget? Does he look at his phone? Does he hold eye contact with you? Have you cut the small talk and started asking the deep questions?
8. Do not be fooled by the “mystery man” who tells you he is too busy after the first date
He is full of it. He is not too busy because he took the time to swipe right on you. He took the time swipe right on many women, which means he took time to start up conversations. Maybe he does have a demanding job and projects, and got way too busy, but you do not suddenly become too much of a drain on his professional goals in life. If a guy likes you, I promise he will make the time. Keep moving!
[bctt tweet=”If a guy likes you, I promise he will make the time. Let the lack of response burn and then keep moving!” username=”wearethetempest”]
9. Assess the humor in the process – it makes for great stories
I took a sociological approach to online dating after the first few times of being frustrated. I decided to take screenshots of some of the ridiculous things I saw in dating profiles, for instance. One of the most ridiculous was one man’s dream woman needed to have a BMI<25. Wow. So specific.
10. Sometimes you may end up making really good connections
For those dates that end with, “hmm…neither of us felt that” – it is not that he is a jerk. He may be a perfectly nice guy, but just not the nice guy for you. You are not a mean person for rejecting him and vice versa. Join forces and maybe you’ll have a new wingman! If love, chemistry, timing and all other complicated human components were that simple we would pair up quickly with the next nice person we meet. It doesn’t always work that way in reality, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a friend in the process.
[bctt tweet=”If love, chemistry, timing and all other complicated human components were that simple we would pair up quickly with the next nice person we meet.” username=”wearethetempest”]
11. Be present in the moment rather than obsessed with what things could become during the first date
I understand that you are a forward-thinking woman. You do not want to waste your time. However, just sit down with the man. The art of conversation comes from focusing on what is happening and being discussed right at that moment. Invest your time fully for that hour, and you may surprise yourself with what it turns into.
[bctt tweet=”The art of conversation comes from focusing on what is happening and being discussed right at that moment.” username=”wearethetempest”]
12. Walk in with positivity on every date. Negativity emits itself quickly.
You just finished a date with a complete idiot. You had to grab yourself another glass of wine, or another cup of coffee just to not lose it. But you always have to remember, good men do exist! If you walk in with emotional baggage from the one before, you may be missing out on them.
13. Put away your phone. Please.
Yes, you. Even if the date is boring you to tears, just keep it away. Unless you are giggling about that article that you both just read or want to laugh at adorable German Shepard photos, focus on the person at hand.
14. Let your main goal in a date be developing comfort and being yourself. Nothing more, nothing less.
I personally hated wasting my energy on being fake. It was too exhausting, and I would go home thinking, what just happened? However, that said, take the time to find topics that both you and Mr. X can talk about mutually. Or perhaps Mr. X or yourself have something new to teach each other.
15. Do not overschedule yourself
This is a real problem. You may have too many dates lined up in the week to where you just want to stay in and make a nice bowl of pasta all for yourself. Spread them out, and do not feel bad if you have to reschedule for your own sanity.
16. Some guys will just not be into you (and vice versa).
It is fine because there are many more! Admittedly, online dating is probably the one place many women have some advantage (and know it). So much of the power is in our hands because we have options. Many times women are overwhelmed by messages while men are swiping constantly before they match. Yes, I tested this by trading phones with male friends to understand what they were trying to tell me.
17. Do not act all nonchalant when you feel offended or hurt by something
Make it clear that you do not take shit when you have been ghosted or breadcrumbed especially after you invested some time. I did not do this in the beginning, but then I realized that by sitting silent, I accepted it. I would even show that acceptance when that same person would message me months later and act like nothing happened. No. Do not be a doormat. You do not need to go on a revenge streak and try to put thumbtacks on his desk chair, but say something.
[bctt tweet=”Make it clear that you do not take sh** when you have been ghosted or breadcrumbed especially after you invested some time” username=”wearethetempest”]
18. Take breaks from online dating apps for a few months at a time
A common complaint I heard from my girlfriends: “There are no good guys on these apps. It is the same lame ones.” And they were right. But the optimist in me realized we (at the time) lived in such a transient city. People enter online dating platforms at different times for different reasons. This made it more worth coming back on after a few months or when being on the move again to a new city! It was after taking a break that I found love through this medium!
[bctt tweet=”People enter online dating platforms at different times for different reasons” username=”wearethetempest”]
19. Only say online dating is not for you after you have given it a try
Maybe online dating has ruined dating, which I am also well aware of through many single friends and once even thought myself. I understand that the numbers game is completely frustrating, sometimes even demoralizing. However, just because some people may practice the trend of dating multiple people at a time, does not mean this has to be you. It does not mean each and every person on the app is doing exactly what people tell you.
20. Remember that love only comes when you love yourself
I know this one is cheesy, but it is the last point for a reason. Only when you love yourself first, to the fullest, can you love someone else.
Online dating may seem overwhelming but it does not mean you have to crawl into the fetal position and avoid it. The experience can be empowering, and who knows, sometimes even entertaining. Because you know that you have the confidence juice to find love, and little rejections along the way are simply ways to brush yourself off and keep going!
[bctt tweet=”Online dating may seem overwhelming but it does not mean you have to crawl into fetal position and avoid it” username=”wearethetempest”]