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I have depression.
Not just a ‘once in a while I feel depressed and down, but the next day I’m fine’ – not that type of depression.
Rather, a chronic ‘what is my life, I wish I didn’t have to exist because I am so incredibly, incredibly sad.’
Despite being surrounded by a large support group, close friends who fight for me and urge me on, I have a constant aching, a feeling of emptiness, a lack of connection with the world. While they tell me constantly that they are there for me, I feel as though I am a burden, despite my knowing that I am not.
It is the nature of chronic depression to feel this way, to feel like a burden no matter what others reassure one with. To feel disconnected, empty. Tired, unmotivated.
Previously, my depression was bearable to disregard, stifling my feelings of worthlessness by throwing myself into academics.
Last year, however, things got worse.
I remember the day clearly. It had been an awful week for my personal life – I was angry with a close friend and had woken up the day of a test (that I had not studied for) to an email from another close friend.
“I feel you criticize a lot,” she had written. On a normal day, I could have easily admitted to this, but on this day, it triggered a reaction I am still terrified of.
Not just, ‘once in a while I feel depressed and down, but the next day I’m fine’ – not that type of depression.
Sadness. Not just feeling sad, but a curtaining of grief over my brain and heart. Unable to do anything, think anything, feel anything else, the tears began to stream downwards.
I am an awful person.
Who did I think I was, to say negative about others, to hurt others by my words?
I was an awful person, I should not exist, not if I were to create so much pain.
That week, I continued through my academics in a zombie-like manner, going through the movements without absorbing anything. When the end of the week came, I decided to take a drive, to clear my mind.
It did quite the opposite.
Prior to that moment, suicide had always sounded terrifying. Now, there was nothing else I wanted more than to just not exist. Death was not appealing to me, due to the pain, but I genuinely wished for nothing more than to cease existing.
Maybe there was a way, I wondered, to find a way to pass and just not be.
My faith in God was shaken.
I had always been a faithful person, working on my faith to get closer to God, for whom I previously had an unwavering belief.
There is a sickness within the Muslim community. A lack of understanding about mental health; a nonexistent support system.
Then, however, I was unsure.
What type of God is merciful, but would create a human that is so flawed, so empty?
Why would God continue to test someone that is so mentally unstable?
Despite the prayers that I did, I did not feel any better. Nothing could help me.
There is a sickness within the Muslim community. A lack of understanding about mental health; a nonexistent support system.
Having not grown up completely intertwined with a Muslim community in America, being surrounded by Muslims was never familiar to me. However, when the old school thinking of mental health as a lack of faith stands strong, there is a problem.
Depression, many people claim, is just a lack of faith.
You need to pray to get better.
That is what the community told me. The reason I was sick was that I had failed as a Muslim.
The depression was entirely my fault.
I cannot pray away my suicidal thoughts. I cannot ask enough to throw away my hopelessness. While I can pray that one day this feeling will cease, so far, no amount of prayer has pushed the depression away.
The Muslim community surrounding me does not understand this, and that hurts. Without any support system, how is one supposed to reconcile the faith that one has lost?
While I still struggle with my depression, I have reached a crossroads in my faith.
I would be a fool to end this on a sugar-sweet note, telling you that I am better; that I am a more improved Muslim than ever and that my faith in God is more than strong.
However, I would be lying to say that I am 100% back on track in my spirituality. I am not. At this moment, I am unsure. Questioning. The problems within the community have only forced me to have to reevaluate my belief system, making me question how I understand life as a whole.
I wish there was more of an understanding of mental health within the Muslim community, but alas, there is not. I wish I had a stronger understanding of why God would test me so, but as I have been told all my life:
God knows best.
And though for now I am finding myself and trying to make sense of this all, I can only take it one small step at a time.
Every day that I live, I am proud that I have overcome my obstacle.
I would be a fool to end this on a sugar-sweet note, telling you that I am better.
Maybe one day I will be brave enough to stand up for the cause that is affecting me so strongly.
Maybe one day I will be able to erase these feelings of depression and replace them with those of happiness.
Maybe one day I will be able to understand, to accept the trials that He has set for me.
Maybe one day I will be able to speak about this with ease, unafraid of the judgments of others.
With time comes ease.
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, check out the resources below:
* Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255). Here is a list of international suicide hotlines.
* People who are deaf or hard of hearing can reach Lifeline via TTY by dialing 1-800-799-4889 or use the Lifeline Live Chat service online.
* Text TALK to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free counseling.
* Call the SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), for free, confidential support for substance abuse treatment.
* Call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), for confidential crisis support.
* Call Trevor Lifeline, 1-866-488-7386, a free and confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ+ youth.
* 7 Cups and IMAlive are free, anonymous online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors.
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11 replies on “This is why my Muslim community says I have depression”
Yes, I can Overcome such feelings 🙂
Thanks
I feel your pain, sister. I too am struggling with the same thing currently. I know the pain gets overwhelming and I know it can feel crushing but as long as your soul is still speaking out to you, keep fighting. This pain is not a reflection of the strength of your faith, you are not weak or a bad Muslim for going through this. And the fact that you are still here and still reaching out means something higher is still with you and holding you up and it is Allah (swt), at least I truly fight to keep believing that. I know how tough it is to maintain your deen in the face of so much pain, but I don’t think it means you are far from God if you are suffering so. if you are still seeking Him, I think that means He is still very much with you. It’s okay to question but never give up. There are horrible days, but as long as we are still fighting through and living, we can do this. Much love to you, my sister, JazakAllah Khair for being brave enough to speak out.
There is also a great lecture about depression and Islam that the Deen show did with a Muslim psychologist I would look that up on youtube, it really made me feel a little better. It talks about the whole stigma associated with depression in the Muslim community and how wrong that mentality is.
Read surah baqarah daily and blow on water as you recite (blow after every page). Bathe with this water and drink also. Do same on olive oil and drink small amt daily and put it alll over your body. Never ever miss your morning and evening adhkar. Eat 7 dates daily in morning. Do alot of other dhikr or recite surahs (fatiha/ayah tul kursi/ falaq and naas)
Keep this up for as long as it takes. You will get sicker before you get better.
Make dua daily before fajr adhan.
Sorry I forgot to note bathe with the water DAILY. and FAST alot. Fasting will really help.
Do all this and continue even if you feel nothing. Your life will CHANGE.
also look into cupping. Cupping is sn AWESOME cure from the sunnah. But you need an expert.
Aaaaaaawwww sweetie!
My heart aches for you dear sister & I pray that Allah will ease your pain. You aren’t a bad Muslim simply because of a struggle that you are having right now, you’re being human. I believe each of us has a war that we wage but being down doesn’t mean you’re out.
Praying for you to get better
Xoxo
Dear sister,
Just know that when you feel down, Allah is always there lifting you up. God will never forget you. 🙂
Your courage to be so vulnerable and authentic moves me. I did not read that you are in therapy…so I am not sure if you tried to find support within a therapeutic setting. I highly encourage therapy. Your depression has nothing to do with a weakness or lack of faith…prayer and dua are valuable tools, however are not cures to the depression. Thank you for being a voice for all those who remain silent in their pain and suffering.
Iqra,
Your bravery and courage to post who you really are is so so so so inspiring. I’ve always felt alone battling with this disease, the islamic and desi community around me just brushes off these things as if they don’t exist. It’s one of the most painful things i’ve ever experienced for the last 8 years, and i honestly don’t think it goes away. I think we have to be strong and brave and learn different ways to cope with ourselves and simply find it in our hearts to live each day knowing there is a reason. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here, just reply to this and i will email you as soon as i can. iA, we’re going to be okay. Stay strong iqra, you’re worth it.
P.S
None of this lessens our self worth or makes us weaker in any absolute way. It’s okay to feel this pain. Whatever you’re emotions are, they’re the right ones, because they’re yours. Be gentle with yourself always.
Lately i have read this beautiful article on Hazrat Musa’s life and the interpretations of his story mentioned in Quran. We all can find brilliant answers from this for the trials of our own lives that we go through today. Its a must read for everyone.
http://hadithoftheday.com/musa-part-1/
My heartiest prayers for all those who have talked about their anxieties here. You will be in my prayers. Ameen.
I cannot believe I actually just read something that represents a similar experience to mine. I want to thank you for posting this and speaking out for us. This is not something we can just snap out of. I hate so much when people give me things like “the solution is in prayer.” I don’t know yet what the solution is but I’m sure if this was a physical disease no one would ever say oh maybe you should pray for that broken leg, it will heal right away. As much as it makes me feel a sense of relief that I’m not alone, it doesn’t make me feel better since I hate that anyone else is possibly in the same kind of pain I am experiencing. The thing that does give me hope, however, is that there are different days to come, which means change, which means there is a still a possibility that good things might come and ease this state of being for a even a little bit.
Dear sister, please don’t hesitate to seek non-Muslim counseling. As you said, our Muslim community is still struggling to provide adequate mental health services. Maybe something from a completely non-religious point of view will help you stabilize yourself and you will view our deen in a more positive light after that. Just an idea; it’s helped for me in the past. May Allah swt make this journey easy for you.