Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here. It’s anonymous!
Dear Madame Lestrange,
My girlfriend and I recently started trying out oral sex. Truthfully, I’ve been struggling to know how to please her down-there.
What can I do to make my girlfriend come?
—Wanting to Please
Dear Wanting to Please,
Congratulations! You’ve entered into my personal favorite part of sex: cunnilingus. It’s fun, intense, and when done right can produce many sweaty, gasping-for-breath, scream-inducing orgasms.
When it comes to going down on your girlfriend, there are a few key factors that can contribute to your (and her) success. Below I’ve listed a few tips that will help you give her a memorable time.
1. Get comfortable.
It goes without saying: the best way to enjoy sex is to be comfortable. Diving headfirst between your girlfriend’s legs probably won’t achieve this, so make sure that both you and she are in a comfortable position. This could be with both of you lying down, her sitting on your face, or even 69-ing. Whatever makes you both feel comfortable (and excited) will do the trick.
If she’s lying down, try propping a pillow under her butt to lift her pelvis up towards you. It’ll feel incredibly relaxing for her, and give you a lot more access.
Listening to what your girlfriend wants is going to make cunnilingus a lot easier for you and a lot more pleasurable for her. Try to have a conversation about it with your girlfriend; what does she expect, what does she enjoy, how can you surprise her. You can also ask while going down on her, “How does this feel, baby?” And follow with what she wants.
Talking about sex can be liberating and exciting, but not everyone is that comfortable with it. If your girlfriend is one of these people, don’t worry, just listen to her body. You will feel what feels good to her by taking note of the way she moves her hips, the pace of her breath, where she places her hands, and so many other things.
3. Get to know her vulva.
Knowing your girlfriend’s down-there bits will only ever help you become a pro at going down on her. Know where her clitoris is, where her vaginal opening is, and the difference between her inner and outer labia. By learning about the different areas of her vulva (external genitalia) you’ll better be able to understand what she enjoys and doesn’t enjoy.
You might be wondering why an anatomy lesson is important, but let’s be real, no one walks into the woods without a map. Shying away from learning about the vulva because it’s “gross” or “weird” is a sure sign that you’re not really ready for sex.
There are infinite ways your girlfriend might enjoy being pleased down there. For example, she may prefer for you to use a swiping motion across her clitoris, or she may prefer for you to upwardly lick her labia. Hell, she may enjoy both! If she enjoys penetration she might enjoy for you to finger her or use a dildo at the same time.
Don’t be afraid to explore as many different ways to please her as possible. Use toys, lubes, role-play, and different techniques to make her feel on top of the world. Use this beginning phase of your oral sex lives to explore together!
Oh, and by the way, her anus does exist. And she might really get a kick out of you noticing that.
5. Have fun!
Sex is meant to be a fun, intimate way of being with someone else. No matter what you’re into, with who, or how many of them, having sex can be a beautiful, thrilling experience.
So remember to enjoy yourself. Don’t get too caught up with how to be the best cunnilingus-giver in the world. If you enjoy yourself – moaning, moving, masturbating, making sure that she can see how into it you are – I can guarantee that you two are going to have the time of your lives.
And FYI: orgasms are not as important as people think. Movies and media tend to make us feel like the only best way to have sex is if everyone comes every single time, but that’s simply not true. It makes us feel terrible about ourselves if we aren’t able to come often or make someone come often.
Give her pleasure without focusing on an end goal of making her come, and be gracious about it if she doesn’t.
Now go forth and enjoy!
More Dear Madame Lestrange
I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?
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