It’s not my intention to make you look as if you’re bad friends. I love you guys and I’d never think of you that way. You’ve been my rock all these years and I can’t be more grateful to have all of you in my life.
But no one in this world is ever perfect. Even none of you.
I know you guys never meant to offend me. It was all jokes for you. My weight – that’s one thing that makes me different from the rest of you. I admit it, I’m not the ‘good-looking’ one in our group. I’m overweight and, according to society’s ridiculous standards, my weight makes me the least pretty compared to all of you.
Of course, girls should love themselves no matter what they look like. I tried, but sometimes I do want to look attractive too. Isn’t it a nature of a girl, wanting to be admired and desirable by everyone?
I remember when I was 15, and we were planning to hang out.
That time, I decided to wear a dressy, floral top with high heels. I was always a plain and homely girl, but this time I really wanted to look good. My eagerness couldn’t be contained anymore and I couldn’t wait to see your reaction.
But the response wasn’t what I expected.
“What on earth is all this?”
You were all laughing.
In a second, my excitement turned into embarrassment. My heart shattered. It seemed like you all thought a fat girl like me shouldn’t bother to dress up nicely.
I pretended it was nothing, but for the whole day, I was humiliated.
And that wasn’t the only time.
Far from it.
There was a time when I wanted to wear a makeup. I was only 17 and it wasn’t much, just an eyeliner and a lipstick. I didn’t think you’d laugh about it this time because I know you’re all makeup enthusiasts.
But I was wrong.
“Oh, my God! Look at her, she’s wearing makeup now!”
It was the same, condescending reaction you gave me two years before that. You were laughing and teasing me all day, making jokes about the makeup on my face. I spent the day feeling completely down, thinking it was a big mistake for even trying.
You never said any obvious negative word, but your reactions were clear.
During our senior year, I was crushing on someone.
It’d be embarrassing for everyone to know, but I still wanted to share it with people I trusted. After all, we have been sharing a lot of secrets about our crushes together. I thought it wouldn’t hurt this time.
Big mistake. I should’ve keep it to myself.
“A crush? Oh, my God! You’re joking, aren’t you?”
Your words couldn’t be harsher than that. You made it sound like I wasn’t good enough for anyone, that I was out of everyone’s league because of my weight. It seemed to you, crushing on someone was something I shouldn’t do. All of you looked at me as if it was weird for me to develop an interest in a guy.
Sometimes it felt like I couldn’t take it anymore.
I lost count on how many times I expressed my disappointment. I made it clear about how I felt every time you made a joke about me, because of my weight.
But your answer?
“Chill out, girl. We’re just messing around, don’t take it seriously!”
I tried not to take it personally at first. But it kept going for years and slowly it affected me, my mind and my soul. I felt ashamed of myself because of my weight. I lost my self-esteem and confidence because of your words. It might be a joke for you, but for me, it’s bullying.
Do you know what hurts more? It comes from you, my own best friends!
I’m not the only one facing this and you, my best friends, aren’t the only ones doing this to your friend. It’s normal but it’s not right. Even without any intention of being offensive, words can hurt, bad. Once it’s said, you can’t take it back.
We’re supposed to be like sisters, be there and lift each other up. We’ve been through so much together and I really appreciate all the support you gave me while I was struggling with family problems and studies. Yes, we’re close and we can joke about anything but there should still be boundaries. Making fun of someone and made them question their self-worth is absolutely immoral.
If it upsets people, why still do it? If they don’t find it funny, isn’t that a clear sign to stop?
Again, no one’s perfect.
Everyone makes wrong moves and mistakes. And I hope you’d realized, it’s wrong to have a laugh at someone’s imperfections or differences.
Maybe you’ll understand things now.