Humor, Life

21 things to do when you’re single and don’t really want to mingle

But whatever you do, don't get bangs. Please.

This is for the ones who have had their hearts broken or the ones who broke hearts and then regretted it for years to come. This one is for the singles who have tried over and over and over again and are done with gluing up the small pieces of their heart with shittier and shittier glue every time only to break it all over again.

Of course, this does not mean a permanent break, just take a temporary one to get to know yourself through your own eyes before looking to others again to define you. Again.

This one is for the single who just don’t want to mingle.

1. Treat yourself to a movie

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I know this is surprising, but theaters are not only for making out! They’re for actually watching movies while eating crazy amounts of greasy, buttery popcorn and a large, large coke.

Seriously! Going to the movies by yourself is amazing because you can eat all you want without your S.O. looking at you like you’re a crazy food junkie. Pfttttttt. 

Because when you go to the movies with a date, it’s hard to actually watch the whole movie for some people (cough *me* cough)I’m either focusing on not making an utter fool of myself or trying to see if he’s paying as much attention to me from the corner of his eye as I’m doing to him.

You know what? Just treat yourself to something! If you don’t like movies, then go to the brunch place your friends have been raving about. Even if it’s a state away. You have nothing to prove to anyone as a single person but if you don’t believe it, I’m gonna tell you a really big secret of mine.

I send myself flowers with a cute note from anonymous. Trust me, they look and feel just as good no matter who puts down the cash.

You don’t need a man to make you feel better. Not his money or his company. You’re enough.

2. Revenge work/food out

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Whoever caused the breakup or heartbreak, this is a crucial time. You will either want to eat the world whole or work out your body until you look as toned as Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

Make use of this time to gain the body you’ve always wanted but never had the motivation for. Whether it is to gain or lose weight, you finally have the means to actually get yourself up off your bed. After two days. After a week. But when you’re ready to get over the piece of trash who made you want to be forever alone (in a good way), get on to your thing!

3. Do something your ex (boyfriend, crush, someone) hated

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When I realized I was in love with my ex (after he had found someone else), I sat and thought about the life I could’ve had and the dreams I could’ve achieved if I had never met him.

Sounds harsh right? But hear me out.

I sat and thought about the life I could've had and the dreams I could've achieved. Click To Tweet

Because the only thing he made me do is obsess over him … for a year that I could’ve spent following my dreams of changing the world and traveling it.

And yeah, I guess he didn’t make me. But it was a cause and effect situation and he was the storm while I was the sunken boat.

So the things he hated, I will love the hell out of them.

Watch me as I read Catcher in the Rye and quote it every time I speak to him.

Now, he didn’t hate a lot of things so this list was hard but to those of you who had significant others who hated when you ate junk food or went skiing or something like that, do it.

Don’t let him or her dictate what you can and cannot love anymore. Don’t let anyone do that, no matter if they’re your parents or siblings or friends or significant others.

4. Sit at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

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This was one mistake I knew not to make. I watched as my single 23-year-old cousin went through this after the breakup of her five-year relationship.

Instead of trying to comfort this girl after her partner cheated on her after five years of committed relationship, my family pestered her about her next steps.

AKA, the next person she was supposed to marry after this loss of trust. Because that would be just so easy.

Do not make the mistake of sitting at the adult’s table during Thanksgiving, especially if your family is anything like my chaotic and nosey one.

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5. Learn how to do shit

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Learn how to fix your own sink problems.

You don’t need manpower to put on a curtain or fix your car. IT’S 2017!

Prove to yourself that you don’t need a man and watch a YouTube video to finally fix that clogged toilet.

If all doesn’t work, I guess you can always call up your handyman – or woman.

6. Turn off your phone

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Plug out and tune in for once.

Now that you don’t have anyone to worry about you (I know it may sound bad, but everything has a good ring to it), turn that addicting mobile off.

You can live without a notification every second about a new snap or a new like on Instagram or a new email from that spam website you didn’t know was spam and not the answer to your future.

Just for one day, let the calls go to voicemails and if you want to talk to your friends, talk to them in person. Let them see you and your single gorgeous face.

7. Buy a plane ticket to somewhere you’ve never been

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When I was young and in love with traveling the world as a single person, my mom’s friend once told me how it would be lonely. How I would be lonely. How I wouldn’t get too far on a tank of gas and an empty heart.

I haven’t proven her wrong yet, not because I can’t, but because I have no money and I have school.

But you can damn well believe that once I get money, I won’t be sitting around waiting for these plastic boys anymore.

For however long you decide not to mingle and be single, follow this one advice: catch flights, not feelings.

8. Party hard

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Go out with your friends or maybe even by yourself and go to a club. Dance like everyone is watching and you don’t care.

Dance until your heartbreak sweats out of your body. Click To Tweet

Be the life of the party. Pretend like you never saw him, met him, just remember that there are always going to be clubs, and there is always going to be the next song. There is always going to be another person to dance with and another virgin Bloody Mary drink.

Dance until your heartbreak sweats out of your body.

Show those young ‘uns how to really turn up.

9. Adopt a fucking puppy

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If you’re a weirdo who doesn’t like puppies, move on. This one isn’t for you. But to those who do, a puppy has always been known as a man’s best friend.

But to a woman? They’re everything from best friend to bodyguard (no matter how little and cute and harmless they are). They will offer more love than anyone will ever be able to offer you.

 10. Get yourself a vibrator

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Does this even need an explanation?

In short, terms here’s some equations to help explain:

single+no S.O.+horny af= get a vibrator

 11. Get a plant

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If you don’t like puppies, here’s one for you. Get a plant.

It helps to clean the mind and gives you responsibility and makes you feel like you are still needed to somebody, or rather something.

Of course, this would be a horrible way to cope for those who are far from having a green thumb. Like me, those people would end up going away to a weekend away and come back to sobbing at 2 am because you forgot you had a plant.

 12.  Relish in girls’ night

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I understand you’re a single who doesn’t want to mingle but mingle with your girls. It doesn’t have to be at a bar or a fancy schmancy dinner. If you want, you could just stay in and have a teenager sleepover kind of night, watching movies and putting on nail polish and sharing your sisterhood jeans, if you have any.

 13.  Do something scary

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Now that there is no one to hold you back, do something insane. Bungee jump or skydive or stand in a march against Trump and misogyny.

Be as fearless as the women whose stories you have applauded.

Finally, ask your boss for that promotion or dare to tell that cute person you see on the bus every day that you think they’re god’s heaven on earth, even if you’re not religious.

 14. Get a makeover

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Take this time to change it up a little. It can be anything and everything.

Get a little teeth whitening or dye your hair. Do those trendy little eyebrow gaps everyone does these days. Get that nose piercing or tattoo you’ve wanted since you were 13.

But whatever you do, don’t get bangs. Please. I’ve done it and it’s been a year….grew an inch? My worst mistake. Then again, my face shape isn’t really for bangs. But if yours is, make sure it is!

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 15. Netflix and actually chill

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Whether it’s with friends or by your single young self, you can now peacefully watch Netflix without worrying about when he’s gonna pull it out. Or when she’s gonna pull her bra off without taking her shirt off.

Enjoy this moment while it lasts and binge on not only TV shows, but popcorn.

P.S. Kirkland Signature Butter Popcorn from Costco is the move. Seriously, it’s the same as popcorn from the theaters!

16. Save some money

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No more dates or Valentine’s gifts or birthday presents for him.

Treat yourself by saving up for something… maybe a trip you’ve always wanted, a reservation for Ramsey’s restaurant, or maybe even your next rent.

With only yourself to take care of now, you have to actually do that. You can’t go around buying useless junk. Learn to depend on yourself whether someone comes into your life later on or not.

17. Take a bubble bath

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But first, go to a Lush store and get something you think you would love. Something you haven’t gotten before.

Put some candles on the edges of the bathtub and turn on some Sinatra. Just lay your head back and relax your neck in some warm water. Dip your head underwater for 5 seconds if the world is getting too loud for you.

Make those Santa beards or pretend you’re Elsa with the white foam. IDK man. Do what you gotta do.

Just let go and relax your body, babe. You know you deserve it.

18. Hang with your dude friends

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Just because you’re not looking to hook up or find “the one” doesn’t mean you have to forget all guys in your life.

Maybe helping them get their life together will fool you into believing you're fine. Click To Tweet

Call up your dudes and make moves to hang out somewhere, sometime, someday. Enjoy some munchies and play some video games and help them with girls or guys or whoever they like.

Maybe helping them get their life together will fool you into believing you are getting it together too.

19. Be productive AF

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You got time now. No fighting, no worrying, no cuddling time. This is your time to shine and get things done for once.

Eat that spinach like Popeye and get on it, girl! Get on those tax returns, rents, etc.

Read that book on your night shelf you promised yourself you would read 5 months ago. Just do it.

20.  Sleep in for a day… or two

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It’s okay to want to mope. It’s okay to want to cry your eyes out. Do what you have to do. Cry until your eyes turn so red, you have to wear sunglasses in public. Sleep until your dreams feel more real than your actual life. Wake up a little later. Cope with the pain however you want.

But then, stop. Stop sleeping in and continue cause life doesn’t stop for anyone. And to survive, you can take some time off but eventually, you gotta get back on the road and fake it until you make it.

21.  Own your independence

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I don’t think you realize how powerful and intelligent and beautiful you are. Anyone would want you. Your body is made up of what makes supernovas. You decide when it is time to start anew if you want to be a new star or a black hole.

While you are single- and trust me, you won’t be “forever alone” because people will want you. Who couldn’t? But this independence you have right now, it is powerful and you will never know how long it will last.

So make the most of every moment you have. Make decisions that would be best for you. You are the only factor to any decision you make right now. Enjoy that. Embrace it.

Because before you know it, some lost soul will wander in and find you home. And you will find them to be yours. Maybe forever this time. Maybe not.

Who knows? Not this single woman.

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