The Internet, Gender & Identity, BRB Gone Viral, Life

#DearSister is everything we’ve ever heard from “pious” boys and men – and it’s amazing

#DearSister I will date however many women I can get my hands on until I decide I've had enough. Then I need an untouched and pious woman.

By and March 6, 2017
Attribution: Pinterest

Dear Sister,

First, your hair is showing a little bit, fix your hijab please. Second, let me begin with who I am- I’m your all-pious mansplaining brother, who’s a sinner by day, and self-proclaimed halal-police officer by night. I will find you and I will hold you accountable to every possible action you’ve done, telling you exactly why you’re going to end up in hell. Because, I’ve not just mastered, but doctored in it *cough* from years of experience in halal-policing my sister, mother, cousins, and any young Muslim *sister* that my first gaze allows me to look at *cough*.

I do genuinely want what’s best for you. I’m trying to save you from sinning, and I’m trying to make this world a better place. One sin at a time. Before I get into why, hold on for a minute: I see some ankles and a turban hijab. I MUST STOP THIS ATROCITY. These wanna-be Muslim fashionista-blogger-infidels. How I hate them.

Back to the life-saving lecture I was giving you. Listen, you can’t just try to be this independent young woman that Haram Hollywood is trying to make you believe you are. You’re not. And, you don’t even need to be, I mean don’t you trust me? This is from a brother to you my #DearSister. Stop painting me as the bad guy here. I’m better than you in every possible way, ethically, morally, religiously. And, even physically. Don’t believe me?

Check my Instagram, sister. Those six-packs you see from this mirror selfie in the gym, didn’t just come from just policing, you know. Do you think I’ll get hot dates or should I post more half-nude pics? Shit, sorry, that was meant for my brother, not you.

Astaghfirullah, that was by mistake, sister. Please erase it from your mind. And, stop judging me.

Religion is a very personal thing, and I know that better than anyone. Religion is personal as long as it’s about me, but, the second you or another sister does anything, it’s a public matter. And, I, your savior, relish in the opportunity to bask in some moral glory.

I think I’ll save the rest of this lecture for another time. You don’t seem too interested and it’s time for gymming anyway. Before I start my catchy playlist with obscene words and provocative objectifying, I do want to make sure you understand how important it is for you to be the perfect example of Islam you can be.

Your knight in shining armor/Muslim brother

Kudos to Mona Eltahawy for the #DearSister hashtag. Here’s the ultimate roundup of #DearSister tweets.

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