It’s almost the end of 2016 and let’s not pretend like we’re all not fucking exhausted.I'm exhausted, is 2016 over yet? Click To Tweet
I mean fucking hell, you guys. Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Prince, and Leonard Cohen all died. Record breaking temperature highs over the summer were yet another indication that the climate is fucked. And don’t even get me started on you-know-who.
Even if I wanted to write about that thing that happened on November 8, I don’t think I could. I am burned out to my very soul. I start gagging when I see the color orange, that’s how little of me is left after the thing that happened happened. The process leading up to the thing happening was draining enough, but for it to actually, you know, happen? No.I am burned out to my very soul. Click To Tweet
The holidays are here, and while it’s normal to feel some depression around this time of year, I feel fucking desperate. Like red rings around my eyes, hissing at natural sunlight, Charlie obsessing over Pepe Silvia levels of need-to-take-a-time-out.
Like many of you, I am looking holidays with the family straight in the face and I need to get it together. Many of you are (hopefully) gearing up to have some hard conversations with your conservative family members. Those of us who can at least rely on our family to be as demoralized as we are, like me depending on who shows up, are prepared to have tepid conversations about the new episodes of Gilmore Girls and practice our hard stares into the middle distance.
Normally I wouldn’t recommend using alcohol as a coping mechanism.* But these are not normal circumstances.These are not normal circumstances. Click To Tweet
Friends, let’s just say “fuck it” to decorum and “fuck you” to 2016. Let’s drink for the holidays. May the sting of the alcohol soothe the sting of this year. Give yourself the nice, distracting goal-oriented activity of preparing these labor-heavy drinks and then wash it all away with liquor. Happy holidays!
1. Jingle Juice Holiday Punch
This whimsical recipe from Inspired by Charm is perfect for those of you who know you’re in for a family-wide depression fest. Made with flavored vodka and champagne but sweetened with cheery 7up, this is the perfect punch to serve for people who don’t have to drive home. Put in the extra effort to make those cranberry ice cubes to tell your loved ones “hey, I know you guys voted for Hillary, thanks for that.”
2. White Chocolate Peppermint Martini
You know, peppermint is actually good for you so technically drinking this one counts as something healthy. You’re welcome! Use chocolate sauce and a red sprinkle rim like the folks over at A Family Feast did for that picture and you’ll have something nice to put on your Instagram instead of just selfies where you were obviously crying minutes before you took them.
3. Jack Frost Cocktail
This coconut pineapple drink will help you pretend you’re on a tropical beach located in an alternate dimension. The Blond Cook says it’s delicious, so think of that as you chug it down without tasting it. May the blue color transfix you and calm your soul. Let it transport you to when you were a child and actually wanted to ingest weirdly colored foods and didn’t care about having a summer treat in the middle of winter. You know, the days before you knew what the electoral college was.
4. Pumpkin Pie Martini
Thanksgiving is this week, which means that for Americans, on top of our election guilt we also have a holiday built on our systematic genocide of Native Americans. Yay? Drink your dessert with this pumpkin pie latte from Wicked Good Kitchen and process your feelings about the hypocrisy of white Americans calling anyone “illegal immigrants.”
5. Salted Caramel Eggnog Shake
The Grant Life is here for your frightened children and anyone else who can’t or doesn’t wish to drink. To make up for the lack of booze, there’s extra sweet stuff in here. Salted caramel for your salty outlook. Whipped cream for the whiplash you got when you took that double take at the final results on November 9. Eggnog to give you some sense of normalcy this winter holiday season. Add some ice cream even if it’s a flavor that won’t mix well. Whatever. Go for it. There are no rules anymore.There are no rules anymore. Click To Tweet
No matter what holidays you recognize (“celebrate” feels like a bit of a reach this year) find some way to use them as a distraction. Hug small children and apologize to them for their futures. Stare into twinkly lights until you forget where you are or what happened this year. Cherish the dull relief you feel after your blood alcohol level goes up a notch.
See you next year…See you next year... Click To Tweet
*Writers note: OK we’re all having fun here, or at least trying to, and these look pretty yummy but in all sincerity do not turn to substances as a coping mechanism. This is a satirical piece, not meant as actual advice. Please drink responsibly and only if you are of legal age, and never drive while intoxicated.No seriously though, please drink responsibly! Click To Tweet