Humor, Life

I used to love hitting on Desi guys on Tinder, until the night everything got too real

Great, I thought. There was only one thing to do here.

I’m an antisocial person. I don’t go out.

There are many reasons why but this night, in particular, is the best way I can explain what happens to me when I venture into the outside world.

Last year, like a lot of people, I got Tinder during the cuffing season. I went on a few dates but mainly used it to troll guys from my city.

I used cheesy pick-up lines and hit on guys waaaaay out of my league just for the hell of it. But I had a lot of matches that I’d never met in my life.

Taken from author's phone
Taken from author’s phone

A little background about my Tinder matches: I basically only swipe right if you’re a Desi Muslim boy – it’s a cultural thing. This is important for later.

You know when you’ve never met someone, you never see them around, but as soon as you know of their existence – they’re everywhere? That’s what happened to me. When I got to like 40 matches, I started seeing these guys at the mall, at restaurants, all over the place.

It was awkward.

Mostly because Tinder-Narmeen is like a flirty out there kinda gal, and real life Narmeen is an awkward being who can’t walk past someone without bumping into them first.

[bctt tweet=”I started seeing my Tinder matches everywhere…and it was awkward.” username=”wearethetempest”]

Anyway, one of my friends forced me to go to a film festival this year.

He kept pestering me to go because he organized it. He started “preparing” me psychologically to go to a social event in September of 2016 from like January. So I got the tickets for the event and the after party, not just for me, but for my one of my best friends, my brother, and his friend.

There I am at this event, with my protective brother and his conservative friend. They constantly kept joking that since there was a lot of young people at the event, they’d give my friend and I a chance to find a boy. But what was really going to happen was that my friend and I would find ourselves a little corner overlooking the party to watch everyone as they mingle.

At least, that was the plan.

About 15 minutes into the after-party, I made eye contact with someone across the room who turned out to be my first ever Tinder match. He looked at me, and looked away – then turned back again. He was obviously trying to make sure it was me. At this moment, I weighed my options – either introduce him to my protective brother and his conservative friend or shuffle away with my friend to get drinks.

[bctt tweet=”He was my organizer-tinder-friend-who-invited-me-here’s best friend.” username=”wearethetempest”]

It was a fairly easy choice to make.

While in line, I bumped into a guy, who looked at me and smiled widely. Recognition hit me like a brick to the face: we’d gone on a date before, and I never responded to him post-date. Great, I thought. There was only one thing to do here.

I proceeded to act like I had no idea who he was.

His smile went on for a bit before he realized what was happening before he stopped smiling and turned around.


I’m thinking, phew, dodged another bullet.

But no. That’s not the end.

There was a fashion show that was going to take place where one of my friends was modeling. To support and cheer her on, we waited at the awkward-get-me-outta-here after-party. As I was assembling with the masses to watch the show, I saw ANOTHER GUY.

And I’m thinking FML, are you serious?! This time though, he was my organizer-tinder-friend-who-invited-me-here’s best friend.

I met him through a Muslim-dating website. (I went through a phase of wanting love in 2015, okay, let’s move past that). Fortunately for me, we’d never actually met face-to-face, so it was likely that he didn’t fully recognize me. That didn’t stop him from stopping to stare at me the whole night.

[bctt tweet=”We went on a date before, I never responded to him post-date.” username=”wearethetempest”]

After the night was finally over I thought, Thank the Lord that none of them came up to try and talk to me.

As soon as I got home, I received messages on Snapchat and texts from the guys asking if I was there. Here’s a sneaky screenshot of one of the conversations:

Taken from Author's phone
Taken from Author’s phone

Now, what I’d like you and my future self to take away from this is:

Do not hit on every boy on Tinder.

If you do hit on them, be nice – don’t use cheap pickup lines. Don’t invite your brother anywhere. Don’t go to events where the main audience is people your age.

Actually, why stop there? Just don’t step out in the sun.