Movies, Pop Culture

Hum aapke hain koun? More like Hum aapki hain stupid movie

A movie where the guy is confused whether he should marry the girl or his brother.

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Guess what time it is! It’s time for another Bollywood movie review! On this week’s menu, we have the lovely Hum Aapke Hai Koun. It’s basically an extremely long wedding video consisting of several wedding/family functions with a little drama thrown in. Basically, the main heroine is asked to marry her brother-in-law because her sister passes away after not knowing how to descend from a flight of stairs.

If you’ve been to any Indian wedding ever, you’ve heard at least one song from this movie. It has like fourteen songs that span over the three hours. At this point, they might as well call it a musical.

But y’kno.

Before we discuss points about the movie, let’s talk about the cast first:

1. The basic Indian filmy family

NDTV
NDTV

Every movie in the nineties basically consisted of the same faces – just with different relationships. The father was always Alok Nath or Anupam Kher. The mothers were always Reema Lagoo, Farida Jalal and/or Himani Shivpuri. The nice, obedient son was Mohnish Behl. The shy but mischievous son was Salman Khan. The scary aunty was Bindu. The understanding uncles were Satish Shah and Ajit Vachani.

Don’t believe me? Here are two portraits of the movies Hum Saath Saath Hain and Hum Aapke Hain Koun.

 Miss Malini
Miss Malini

*Inserts upside down smiley face*

2. Salman Khan’s acting

Pinterest
Pinterest

I feel like Salman Khan’s inspiration for this movie was Charlie Chaplin/a-12-year-old boy. Always excited over the stupidest things, constant over-acting. Like a Salman Khan on some sort of Prozac. He would follow people’s actions like a kid. It was uncomfortable.

3. Cricket

BollywoodLife
BollywoodLife

I thought I wouldn’t speak of patriarchy this time around, but from the very first scene, there’s a divide. The “boys” and the “girls” wear caps designated according to their gender. And all the Girls mostly field whereas the Boys are asked to bat and ball.

This changes when the new daughter-in-law enters the family where she bats and balls. But seriously, “Boy” and “Girl” really?

4. The Rishta Process

Buzzfeed
Buzzfeed

Literally one of the scenes that I found the most ridiculous was when the family first goes in to see the girl. He literally says “I was thinking of getting your daughter married to my nephew” And they get excited – they don’t inquire jackshit about the guy before saying yes. The girl gets all shy, and the family conveniently assumes that it’s a yes. They didn’t even ask. 

Most movies have the decency to show the mom at least making sure that the girl is okay with the rishta.

Even when the sister dies, and Nisha is asked to become the “bahu” of their fam – they don’t specify who she’s getting married to. And her dumbass says yes without asking. And she almost marries him until Tuffy comes to rescue.

5. A dog saves the entire movie

Buzzfeed
Buzzfeed

At the end, Nisha tells their pet dog, Tuffy, to hand Prem his gifted necklace along with a letter in which she states that they’re now done as she’s marrying his older brother. Tuffy was the smart dog who hands the letter to the Rajesh instead. The older brother finds out the truth and joins the couple to get married.

THE DOG HAD THE GUTS THAT THE HUMANS DIDN’T. DAYUM.

Moral of the story:

Buzzfeed
Buzzfeed

Be a dog, dawg.