Food & Drinks, Life

23 signs you’re a full-blown Cuban coffee addict

That's why I've made this PSA: to help others like me, who are addicted to Cuban coffee but can't stop, won't stop drinking it.

Coffee is a lifeblood to most of us of a certain age. But Cuban coffee takes coffee to a whole new level. Cuban coffee is to espresso, what a diamond is to a quadrilateral.

Every single person I’ve introduced to this magic has said, and I quote, “this is the best coffee I’ve ever had.” Because it is the best coffee in the whole world. Like all wonderful things it has a dark side. It always leaves you wanting more, except there is such a thing as too much Cuban coffee. No matter how much you love it, it will destroy your stomach if you have too much.  If you’ve ever wondered why Cubans always have messed up stomachs, this is why. We drink way too much coffee.

Once upon a time when Cubans lived in Cuba (before ‘el exilio’), custom dictated that we drank coffee with milk with our breakfast and then have tiny little shots of colada throughout the day. But then we became a people in exile, and at some point our coffee habits mixed with other people’s and the new generation (myself included) adapted new sacrilegious practices.

We shared our wealth with others who didn’t understand that 4 oz is already too much and that any more than that is begging for a stomach ulcer. We stood back and watched in horror as our non-Cuban friends got addicted and started abusing it like a drug.

What have we done, we’ve asked ourselves as crippling migraines wrecked havoc on us when we didn’t have time to make coffee before leaving the house. That’s why I’ve made this PSA: to help others like me, who are addicted to Cuban coffee but can’t stop, won’t stop drinking it. Like all things, the trick is moderation, but I’m here to let you know, we’ve all been there.

1. I hate having to clean this coffee pot.

2. Stovetop espresso maker or bust.

3. GTFO with your pod-coffee maker

4. Milk or Gastritis?

5. If I add milk the coffee will last longer

6. If I don’t, gastritis guaranteed

7. I like my coffee dark, like my soul

8. Shit, is that too much milk?

9. I wish they made clear coffee makers so I could see if all the water from the reservoir has evaporated #deepthoughts

10. Ok I’m pretty sure it’s done now

11. This is heaven right hurr

Cuban Colada

12. Never leave me

13. Gone too soon </3 

14. More coffee pweazeeee *in a Mona-Lisa Saperstein voice*

15. Or maybe just a Coke Zero?

16. I should drink some water first, definitely

17. And they say coffee breath is a bad thing?

18. Remember self, the difference between 3 and 4 shots of espresso is a caffeine withdrawal migraine

19. FML my stomach is on fire

20. I should probably eat something

21. I need to buy some decaf

22. Does La Llave even make decaf?

23. La Llave or bust

  • Alex bint Eisa

    Alex bint Eisa is a Cuban-American with an MA in Gulf Studies from Qatar University, she specializes in the relationship between religion and government in the Arab Gulf states. She spent 4 years living in the Gulf. During the day she teaches social studies to kids, after work she enjoys discussing the intersection of politics and religion and binge-watching sitcoms.