The World

Hey Brock Turner, I’ve written your speech for college campuses

It has come to my attention that Brock Turner has offered his services as a college campus guest speaker. In this spirit of redemption and philanthropy, I took the liberty of writing his first speech.

Recently it has come to my attention that #BrockTheRapist has offered his services as a college campus guest speaker. In this spirit of redemption and philanthropy, I volunteer my services as a speech writer for Brock Turner. Feel free to add comments. Let’s make this a community effort.

Hey everyone. It’s me, Brock Turner. You can call me B-Turn. Raise your hand if you have done something stupid while you were drunk? We’ve all been there, amiright? I did something really stupid the last time I was wasted and it’s not what you think (wink, hold for laughter). My dumb move was getting caught in the act. Thanks to my regrettable mistake, I served 3 months locked away in protective custody knowing that my stay was paid for by your hard earned tax dollars. This is where we are in society, but we can do so much better.

Let me tell you another story of brute injustice. Three years ago in Montana, a dedicated teacher named Stacy Rambold was seduced by his 14-year-old student. For that, he was punished. The girl, (who even Judge G. Todd Baugh admitted was “older than her chronological age”), accused him of rape and he was sentenced to a life-altering 30 days in prison. If that wasn’t punishment enough, the sentence was later overturned and replaced by a longer sentence. Is this fair? What about our pain and suffering? What about our promising futures? Being a white man in this country is hard enough amidst the extremist Black Lives Matter race baiters and the shrewd feminazi lesbian army spewing rape culture propaganda. Our very lives are under attack.

But we can be the change we seek. We can take back our livelihood so that every man, no matter how rich or privileged or awesome at sports will still be given a ridiculously lenient sentence that re-victimizes women and makes reports of rape less likely. There are currently upwards of 800,000 registered sex offenders like me in the U.S. Think of the power we have. More than 35% of rapists are repeat offenders. If less people report sexual assault, we can significantly reduce that number and continue being silent on a major issue. Only 10% of all sex crimes result in a criminal conviction and I think that’s a sign of hope. The average amount of jail time served is less than half of the time that gets sentenced, so why incarcerate us at all?

People were surprised about the length of my sentence, and let me tell ya—so was I! John Enochs raped two different women and served only a day in jail. I am such an underachiever compared to that guy! What’s more embarrassing is that most rapists serve no time at all. And don’t even get me started on the getting caught part! To quote one attorney for a fellow rapist, I was simply “caught up in a whirlwind of emotion”. Had I been thinking straight, I would have targeted a more viable victim in a less public place.

We can all learn from our mistakes. One thing swimming has taught me is that you can always do better next time. I will do better next time. (hold for applause)

Was my punishment in society’s best interest? No, Of course it wasn’t! It’s no secret that “society” is code for privileged while males. Harshly punishing me for 20 minutes of action hurts society. Forcing me to endure the painful, time consuming task of expunging my record after probation is cruel and unusual punishment. It is up to all of us to redefine rape and sexual assault so that no more promising athletes have their lives mildly inconvenienced.

When you think of my story, think about who the real victim is: me. Your old pal, Brock Turner. Here is the moral of my story: it is difficult to be a rich white man these days—especially if you are good at sports. My advice? Be richer, whiter, and better at sports than me.

Editor’s note: Brock Turner’s services as an official college speaker have yet to be confirmed as of this writing.