Politics, News

Give me a break and get over it, third-party voters

“I’m hoping to end the two-party system.” Sure, Jan! Let me know how that works for you. Meanwhile I'm making sure Trump doesn't get elected.

Stop sharing #DemExit posts and listen for just one split second.

Imagine a disheveled doctor entering the office where you’ve had your 4 year checkup since you were 18. There’s a real problem this time around. Your options are pretty limited:

1. Go with a surgery that will, albeit painfully, fix the problem.
2. Shoot yourself in the foot. Then shoot other people in the foot. Then shoot your other foot. Then ingest diuretics and try to get to the bathroom in time, with bleeding feet.
3. Always a third option. The doctor confessors, “We’ve never done something like this to fix a problem. In fact, it has a less than 1% rate of succeeding. Actually, less than half percent if we do it another way. The 99-99.5% of this operation failing is that your health, your kids, everyone else’s kids, your job, your money, and your life, for the next four years, will be affected. Negatively.”

The checkup is the election. Hillary Rodham Clinton is option number one, and the number one option.

Number two is voting for Trump. (Heh, get it?)

And number three…siding with these nose-in-the-air third parties claiming they can fix our problems, and even more so, their haughty supporters.

If you are one of these disillusioned folks, I implore you: read what you may be thinking below.

“The Green and Libertarian Parties are better than corrupt Democrats.”

So anti-vaxxing and limited government spending are good things?

Never mind their policies, let’s talk about the candidates themselves. Dr. Stein has never even held a state or federal office. She has ran campaign after campaign after campaign after campaign after campaign (no link on the last one because it’s the 2012 Election — guess who won that?) and failed, miserably. So what gives her the title “politician?” She has a seat in her town’s government. I repeat: her TOWN’S government.

Yet her entire platform is built on fearmongering, just like Trump’s: “Forget the lesser evil, vote for the greater good.”

With all due respect, Doctor, the greater good means defeating the greater evil. Taking votes away from the one who has the greatest chance of defeating the most racist, xenophobic and inexperienced candidate is an even greater evil.

Oh, and don’t you forget, a third-party candidate has already made a despicable Republican win.

“Hillary is just as bad/worse than Trump!”

I swear to God. Let me do a bullet list.

  • “She’s a war monger!” And President Obama has droned more people in the Middle East than Bush has, and his administration has sold more weapons, too. The President also deported millions of Americans and expanded the drone program he promised to get rid of. How long did it take to get “free healthcare,” too? Shock! Politicians don’t lie over time!
  • “Emails! Benghazi!” BUZZWORDS! BUZZWORDS! You’re buying into Fox News crap.
  • “Her positions have changed over time! She’s a flip flop!” Your position from doing whatever Bernie wanted to doing literally the complete opposite changed pretty quickly, too. By the way, she agrees with Bernie on 90% of the issues.
  • “She’s a liar!” And you’re illiterate!
  • “I’M TAKING A STAND.”Do you want some sharpies for your cardboard sign? Honey, you’re no hero. You not voting for Hillary isn’t like Muhammad Ali not participating in the Vietnam War. In fact, you’re probably triggering World War III because of a careless decision to bring a man who endorses espionage and has said he would carpet-bomb the Middle East.
  • “Uh… uh…” Nope. Here.

“I want to end the two-party system.”

You and what army? Less than 1% of voters? Half a percent?

Guess what: while you’re trying to end the two-party system, over 90% of the population will be voting within it.

And here’s another fun fact: your vote doesn’t go for Stein, or Johnson, or whoever else. It’s going to Trump. Yes, you absolutely are throwing away your vote. You’re not taking a stand. You’re sitting on the floor, screaming, throwing a tantrum while the rest of us are trying to save our lives. Which leads me to wonder: did you ever actually care about your “brothers and sisters” in the first place, or do you really just hate losing?

All Jill had to do was mention Palestine and Black Lives Matter and you were hooked. You took the bait. Do you not realize she’s spewing these things to get votes? She’s like that one person on your Instagram who tagged her selfie with #BRexit while it was trending just so that angry, frustrated people could look at it.

“I’m voting my conscience.”

No, you’re quoting a dude who had policies worse than Trump’s in a sad attempt to justify your petty selfishness. Get over yourself and look at this chart.

Look at this.

fivethirtyeight.com
fivethirtyeight.com

You can whine about how you’re concerned about our troops or your families overseas with electing Hillary, but do you really think a woman who has no international policy experience (not even state or national, for that matter) has a plan to fix that?

I’m concerned about your concern, dear. You ignoring the implications of your vote tells me it’s not actually about policy or the lives of minorities, it’s just that you hate it when your favorite white guy loses. Are you prepared to have blood on your hands for the next four years?

Yes, Hillary has issues, but when your toilet is clogging you aren’t gonna have any hesitation about getting the plumber with an 80% rating on Angieslist when the other two have no experience with fixing toilets whatsoever.

This is bigger than you.

And in Bernie Sanders’ words at the Democratic National Convention, “This is the real world.” I hope you’re ready for the consequences of your actions, that you’re ready to look minorities in the eye and say that you gave essentially gave them the political middle finger to them and their families because, to you, that’s a revolution.

And, if you still don’t understand how voting third-party works, try this classic scene from Willy Wonka!

IT’S ALL THERE, BLACK AND WHITE, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL! YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE!

Good day, third-party voters.