Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here. It’s anonymous!
Dear Madame Lestrange,
I’m scared of receiving oral sex. I’m currently not in a relationship but I’m nervous for when I am. What will my partner think of me not liking the idea of oral sex? I feel uncomfortable with my body and myself in general.
Do you have any tips for preparing for oral sex?
—Terrified of 69
Hey Terrified of 69,
Y’know, I think you got down to the root of the cause: you’re uncomfortable with your body and self. I think tackling this from that angle will help the most. So, here we go:
1. It doesn’t matter how many relationships you’ve been in or who you’ve hooked up with – being comfortable with your body has to come from yourself.
A great way to feel comfortable with your body sexually is to masturbate. In order to successfully masturbate, you have to get all your inhibitions out of your head and feel like you’re worthy of orgasming. Practice this – do it often (like everyyyyday!). Get some vibrators to help you along. The more you explore your own body and what makes you feel good, the more you’ll start appreciating and loving it.
2. Masturbating also helps you better understand your body.
It puts you in control of your sexual self. You’re giving yourself that pleasure, not relying on someone else. And there’s nothing more empowering than that. This way, you’re not using others as a means to get sexual pleasure. You can do that perfectly on your own, and you’re inviting someone else to share that with you. You’ll feel in control when you start venturing into oral sex, and you won’t have to feel displeasure if the person can’t figure out how to satisfy you. Because you can just tell them what to do, where to put what, how to do whatever. You know your own body.
3. Make a conscious effort to love your body.
Do NOT focus on things that you want to change. Focus on the great features you have. Look at yourself naked in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful. While you’re masturbating, watch yourself –your face, your body, your vag. Staying positive as you look at yourself will help you start appreciating yourself. Don’t hang around people who put your body or other people’s bodies down. Do you have a friend who constantly talks about the way people look? Take a break from them for a while. That kind of negativity, even if it’s not aimed at you, will have you questioning how people look at you.
4. When you and your partner start fooling around, try to get out of your own head.
Enjoy how you’re feeling and don’t think so much. This person is with you because they want to be. Focus on how you feel when you’re kissing when their hands start venturing south when a finger or two penetrates you. Instead of having an internal freak out if they start to go down on you, focus on how good their tongue feels. Focus on your own breathing (just like you would with any stressful/anxiety-producing situation), and allow them to explore your pussy with their tongue. It is one of the best feelings.
5. All of that being said – you don’t have to do it or be comfortable with it.
If your partner is weird about you not wanting to do it now or ever, you need to ditch that person. Nobody deserves to put any part of themselves near you, let alone between your legs if they can’t respect what makes you comfortable/uncomfortable. You don’t have to like oral. You don’t have to let anyone give it to you. If you don’t want to do it, they should respect that and venture into other ways to please you. Do not let someone make you feel bad for feeling uncomfortable with this. Your body is just that –YOURS.
Clear your mind, focus on the positives, and don’t worry about how what your partner expects. Just be you, in all of your beauty. Good luck.
More Dear Madame Lestrange
I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?
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