Love, Advice

This is how you need to text if you want to get laid tonight

The thing that's great about sexting is you're meant to be freaky and active.

Dear Madame Lestrange,

My partner and I have a great sex life, but I think I’m bad at sexting. It’s so weird to me and I’m doing it wrong. It makes me nervous and I never know what to say. I love it – and I want to be good at it. Help?




Dear Sexy Sexter,

I.GOT.YOU. Sexting is one of my favorite pastimes. I love it. It makes me feel empowered because I always take control and describe exactly what I’m doing in this fantasy world. It’s fun. You get to be as open and dirty and exploratory as you wish you were IRL. It’s escapism at its finest. You get that freedom to say what you want to do and gauge your partner’s reaction — without any real rejection. And sometimes (or very often), it’s a glimpse into the future –> what’s gonna happen as soon as you see that person.

And you know what else rocks about sexting? You can’t do it wrong. They’re super easy once you get the hang of a few key elements. Let’s get into it!


The worst thing in the world is when you’re horny and the person you’re tryna sext isn’t picking up on your hints. So, to initiate – I like to just go for it. I’m not sure if you’re sexting women or men, but in my experience, men are idiots. They just will not pick up on hints. Might have better luck with women – we are drastically better at everything. Either way, I suggest just plunging right in. An unexpected sext is an instant turn on. And what do I mean by plunging in?

Always start with a less-obvious text: “I really wish you were here right now” or “What would we do if we were together tonight?” or “What’s something you always wanted to do?”

From there, take the reins. Chances are they’ll respond in a non-sexual way, and when they do – respond sexually. Example:

You: I really wish you were here right now!

Person: Aw, me too. / some other lame response.

You: That way I could have my tongue in your mouth while I squeeze your ass.

Obviously, there are good and bad times for these things. But it’s always fun to test the waters to figure out when those bad times are. Some people might love getting unexpected sexts while they’re at work. Others might not. Have some fun while you find out 🙂

Keeping it going.

Be explicit. You don’t have to use flowery language or be a romance writer to be a good sexter. You just have to be able to explain what you want sexually. Which, trust me, you can do. The thing that’s great about sexting is you’re meant to be freaky and an active sexual participant. Don’t be passive. Type out what you want to do and what you want to be done to you. Let them know where you want their hands, where yours are, what your mouth is doing, etc, etc, etc. Feel free to ask THEM questions to have them be more active too.

Really just do whatever the fuck you want because this is YOUR show.

Do you want him to lick your pussy while squeezing your ass? Say it.

Do you want to push her against a wall and finger her while you’re sucking on her tits? Say it.

Do you want to be bent over and fucked on the front porch in the middle of the night? Say it.

If thinking about it turns you on, then sexting it to them will turn them on.

And if it doesn’t, at least you know what not to do with them when you’re actually together – right? Same goes the other way if they’re describing something to you and you’re like, “well, no actually that sounds terrible” — you’re able to let them know without having to deal with doing it, to begin with.

Stay realistic, and freaky.

It’s fun to fantasize – but don’t describe things that are completely impossible. Like, don’t say you’re gonna do x, y, z with your legs all bent crazy, etc., etc. It’s also important to not be totally out of character. Let your wild side out, but make sure your personality is still there. For example, don’t sext about anal sex when you’ve explicitly made it clear you don’t want that. You’re still you and that’s who your partner enjoys being with.


Don’t send them unless you trust your partner. It seems like you do – and I’m not going to dictate your life. I’ve sent and will continue to send nudes because I love the way I look and I think they’re fun. But, as you know, these should only go to people you trust (spouse, partner, etc). If you’re not totally sure – send nudes without your face in them! Your face doesn’t need to be in them to be sexy.

Also, you don’t have to send pics for a good sext session. I’ve had plenty of very successful sext sessions without ever sending a pic or video.

You got this. Be yourself, be explicit, and have fun. Go forth and conquer, girl.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange