“I’m not here to make friends,” mumbles Donald Trump, squinting his white-rimmed eyes into the camera.
I feel ya, Don. When your political agenda is morally corrupt and the thousands of minions you’ve mobilized are waiting to hear the sinister deets on how you’re going to take over the world – there’s no time for a hair braiding gossip sesh. Or hair gluing, in your case.
Since you’re having such a hard time finding a running mate, I thought my experience as a media junkie makes me a qualified consultant on the matter, just like your experience in reality TV makes you an expert politician. Plus, I have a proven track record as a matchmaker! Just ask all the friends I’ve set up about the horrible dates they’ve been on thanks to my excellent taste in villains.
I just hope you don’t mind I’m an illegal alien. My last trip to Mars really opened up my third eye, though, so it’s like I have ESPN or something. Hope one of these works out for ya!
I know how much you love stereotypes, especially if they’re Arab! So why not strengthen the Islamophobic, racist ideas your political platform is built on with Jafar’s help? Maybe he’s got an extra magic scepter you can rub…
2. MARTIN SHKRELI
You’ve probably realized by now there’s just something about your face that makes people want to punch it – which is exactly why you need this guy next to you at all times to absorb any right hooks that come your way. Everyone hates Martin Shkreli!
3. REGINA GEORGE
Need help managing your ever-growing Burn Book? This Mean Girl’s totally got you covered. She even comes with a solid reputation as evil incarnate!
4. THE EVIL QUEEN, URSULA & MALEFICENT
So you’re having a… hard time at the polls with the ladies… Why not fill the VP seat with three powerful entrepreneurs who embody everything a good Trump woman should be: sexy, vain, jealous, vindictive, and a big heap of crazy (seriously, Disney?). Things might get a little complicated, though – you know how much women hate each other.
5. SID PHILLIPS
The Nazis had Dr. Mengele, your political revolution can claim Toy Story’s Sid! He’s definitely got the torture thing down, and you’re all about that.
Not only does Zoolander’s fashion mogul Mugatu share your disdain for fat people, he’s totally into exploiting kids in Asia to make his clothes, too! Combined with his brainwashing skills, and the potential for sharing hair tips, Mugatu’s a shoe-in for VP.
7. PRINCE JOHN
I know you’ve got beef with taxes and your minions love you for it. So teaming up with Robin Hood’s arch-enemy, Prince John, would be a smart political move on your end – the guy’s all about collecting taxes, and he’d throw off the scent of those Dem-hounds calling for your tax returns.
8. PRESIDENT SNOW
You’ve got the fear thing down pat, but how are you going to control all the Mockingjays out there stirring up the district against you? Leave it to President Snow, he failed once so you know he’s learned a few things about crushing hope.
9. BIFF TANNEN
Have you ever watched Back to the Future and thought Biff looked familiar? Apparently, you were the inspiration! It totally makes sense: from the hair, to the asshole-rich-dude attitude, and even his mistreatment of women. If he’s not fucking with Marty, maybe he’ll be your butthead.
10. DONALD TRUMP
Dude, you don’t need a Vice President, who are we kidding? You can’t trust anyone but yourself, and even that’s arguable. A VP’s just going to get in the way of world domination, and everyone knows being a tyrant’s a lonely game. Think about it…