There are so many complexities to not caring. So many ways it can be done. What’s the proper way to not give any fucks at all at work? During a political discussion? At a family gathering? I’ve had a lot of practice, so I’ve compiled this helpful list for you to keep handy and refer back to in times of need until you’ve achieved ‘Total Fucklessness.’

1. When he texts you to say he’s sorry and he messed up

2. For your employee review

3. When that one person who always complains about their life to you but never listens to your problems comes at you for the umpteenth time

4. When you get stuck in line at the breakfast meeting at work next to ‘THE JERK’ and they start in

5. When they say your hair/outfit/makeup doesn’t look good

6. When someone gives you some really bad news and you know giving a fuck is the right thing to do, but you can’t because no fucks – but you try anyway

7. When the haters bring it right to your doorstep but can’t fuck with your mood

8. When some bigot ‘begs to differ’ with you on social media

9. When you’re Muslim af in the grocery store and you catch some Tea Partier mean-mugging you, while you’re just trying to find a good bunch of grapes

10. When a hater comes up with a good retort and you’re so unflappable that you’re happy for them

11. At the family get-together when they bring up whatever it is again, like always

Once all of these become second nature to you, you’ll be ready for the next one.

The aura of Total Fucklessness around you is palpable and impermeable. Congratulations.

12. When they mistake you for someone who gives any fucks at all