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A 16 point guide Ted Cruz can use to identify “Muslim Neighborhoods”

How many times are Shah Rukh Khan movies streamed? If it's at least one per week in most households, this should be considered suspect.

In response to the atrocious terror attacks in Belgium, Ted Cruz jumped on the xenophobia bandwagon, as he loves to do, and declared Tuesday that the US should step up its profiling of Muslims to even greater levels. Because bigoted fear-mongering knows no bounds, here’s his exact statement:

“We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized.”

Aside from the initial outrage from all kinds of people, The collective response from Muslims was “Huh? Muslim neighborhoods? What Muslim neighborhoods? Where are these Muslim neighborhoods, why had we never heard about them, and do they have a blanket ban on bacon??”

And hell, beside raising some serious questions about the legality of such a proposal, many of us were wondering – what exactly is a “Muslim neighborhood?” And do such things exist in the United States?

Us Muslim Americans were baffled. We were curious. We wanted to help.

We thought we would offer some insight to help Cruz & Co. on their divisive witch hunt. So, here’s 16 sure-fire ways to determine whether or not a neighborhood is Muslim.

  1. Does the “Muslim neighborhood” pray five times a day? I don’t mean the people in the neighborhood, I mean the actual neighborhood. Because if we are trying to determine if someone or something is Muslim, even if it’s a conceptual object like a neighborhood, praying five times a day is a good start.
  2. How many times are Shah Rukh Khan movies streamed? If it’s at least one per week in most households, this should be considered suspect.
  3. Similarly, how many times have albums by Amr Diab and Nancy Ajram been streamed? It should be noted that one download per home of the new Zayn Malik Album should be considered the automatic classification for Muslimness.
  4. Are people condemning terrorism and dating before marriage with the same level of vociferousness? Stay vigilant for this, because it is indicative of peak Aunty or Uncle brand of Muslim.
  5. Are people of all ethnic backgrounds living harmoniously together? Muslim Americans are notoriously multicultural and multiethnic. Compared especially to other religions in the US:Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 10.50.37 AM
  6. Similarly, are the men and women of these neighborhoods suspiciously equal when it comes to income, even though “unbiased” mainstream media and Homeland tries to prove otherwise ? And do more of the women have higher education degrees compared to the men in their communities? Then this shenaniganry could definitely be taken to indicate lots of sneaky Muslims congregated together.Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 10.47.58 AM
  7. Is the neighborhood suspiciously over-educated? If yes, then this is a huge red flag. After all, Muslims are the second most educated religious group in the US and are more likely than the average populace to have obtained higher education.
  8. Are American citizens within said-neighborhood unnecessarily asked “Where are you really from?” on average of once a week? Similarly, are people with impeccable English skills that often exceeds the average conversational level still told they “speak great English for a foreigner!” based on their appearance alone?
  9. Are there “too many” kebab, curry or shawarma shops per capita? Sure, there’s no evidence that the enjoyment of delicious multicultural cuisines is exclusive to Muslims, but there’s also no evidence that terrorism is exclusive to Muslims, and that’s never stopped anyone from the GOP from drawing broad conclusions!
  10. Is the media failing to consider that there is a vast majority of African American Muslims that have been here from the start, and have enriched the American diaspore from the get-go?
  11. Are there excessively high sales of water jugs also know as lotas? Keep an eye out for this, since we all know how nefarious Muslims are in maintaining their nether-region hygiene by using water and toilet paper after conducting their business.
  12. Is there a constant sense of drama and resentment in the air due to people’s shoes being stolen at Friday services?
  13. Is meat being slaughtered in an overly humane way and labeled the very suspicious-sounding “halal?” It’s even more suspicious when you consider that these so-called humane halal butchers only charge $1.99 for chicken, when Whole Foods charges $9.99 for the same thing.
  14. Are the streets called Mohammed Lane, Hummus Heights or Allah Avenue? Because obviously normal neighborhoods have names like Whitechristian Way and Jesuslovers Lane. 
  15. Is the modest fashion game fleeking way too hard? There’s little that’s more Muslim-y than modestly dressed women killing it with their expertly layered layers.
  16. Are these exclusive-to-Muslims neighborhoods exceedingly difficult, if not almost impossible to find? Exclusively “Muslim neighborhoods” in the US may not actually exist, but that won’t stop the GOP from spending valuable resources like time and taxpayer money from looking for things that don’t exist. Just ask them how the search for Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate or those WMDs in Iraq is going!