Humor

You literally can’t even and that’s totally okay

If you have any contact with humanity, you’ll probably find yourself running out of f*cks to give by 9am.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve said “I can’t even” more than a few times. I’ve also made a lot of fun of the white girl culture of literally not being able to at all – but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was being a bit harsh. I know everyone ruined this for us in the last year or two, but I’ve shortened it to “Can’t,” and I am 100% confident it’s an acceptable expression of your state of being because we are bombarded with so much bullshit thanks to our world being extra connected via social media that it’s okay to not have any time or energy to break it down for idiots.

[bctt tweet=”I’ve shortened it to ‘Can’t,’ and I am 100% confident it’s an acceptable expression of your state of being.”]

thank you, Ru

I think it’s fine, and totally acceptable to canNOT in certain situations. What’s more, can’t evening isn’t the first time in the world, or even in English, when we were trying to express this same sentiment.

[bctt tweet=”your bullshit, world, is not just one mountain, it’s a whole series of them”]

Does anybody remember having to talk to peoples’ hands? That’s because they couldn’t with you. It was a gestured stop sign because you were being so obtuse that they were unable to discern where to begin explaining things for you – and guess what, they don’t have the time and they don’t owe it to you either. Given the actual mountain ranges (yes, your bullshit, world, is not just one mountain, it’s a whole series of them), I’m going to check myself and my snark machine and give people a pass every once in a while when I see they are not capable. At that rate it’s not just semantically interesting that one word can express a complicated blend of emotions ranging from apathy to irritation to rage, it might actually be lifesaving.

omg i will stupefy you so fast

[bctt tweet=”you’ll probably find yourself running out of fucks to give by 9am”] 

If you have a computer or leave your house, or basically have any contact with humanity, you’ll probably find yourself running out of fucks to give by 9am. It piles up that fast. Here are some of the things I couldn’t with in the last few days:

1. The Donald

this guy. he’s like the shitty uncle you can’t get rid of.

It’s not just you, buddy, it’s mostly your followers. What’s so irritating about this charlatan is that he’s a classic swindler – just a shark in a suit trying to sell some shit to you. The fact that a) PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE GLEEFUL ABOUT HIS IDEAS and b) THE SAME PEOPLE CAN’T UNDERSTAND THAT HE’S JUST CONNING THEM AND CASHING IN ON THEIR BIGOTRY. I can’t with this all the livelong day.

2. Daaaaawkinssss

oh man, where to start with you, doc?

Once again, we have a situation where it’s not primarily the leader but his followers who peeve me so grievously. There isn’t enough time in the known universe to explain to all the new atheist crew that they can’t be scholars of Islam after a 12 second Google search. There isn’t enough time to explain to them that you can’t be a misogynist and a humanist – those two things are mutually exclusive. Also they wouldn’t listen to me anyway because I don’t have a penis. Can’t.

3. MRAs

tell me more. but wait until i’ve driven this railroad spike into my ear, k?

Enough said.

4. Anti-Choice whackos

i don’t even have the spoons (p.s. that woman is a hero)

I try to keep in mind that anti-choice activists are probably not all that brilliant since they don’t seem to understand simple medical science and in fact, I’m pretty sure anti-choice activism can lead to some kind of trauma-related psychosis as the result of being constantly hateful, but few things make my blood boil more than watching them throw their tantrums at individuals who are simply trying to exercise their bodily autonomy.

5. ‘muh guns!’

in case you missed it, things did not end well

Overnight legal prodigies who take to social media the day after a school shooting to explain why gun control will never work. But please don’t stop there, guys! Okay sure Carly, we’ll also go ahead and mock people for even suggesting that any modifications to our gun policies would help at all. And then we’ll forget to spare a moment between our self-righteousness and our fear that it might be slightly more difficult to obtain and own inanimate objects that are specifically designed to kill to remember that some people lost their kids to violence yesterday.

6. Voluble Haters

short answer is ‘yes’

White people who complain about Kanye West, Nicki Minaj, or any celebrity of color who doesn’t live up to their expectations of what a person of color living in the spotlight should exemplify. There are soooo many things to deconstruct that, whoops, would you look at that? I simply can NOT. You’re mediocre. They’re not. Get over it.

can’t all day 2k16

If you hear me saying “Can’t” to you and you feel all bent out of shape about it, just try and be thankful that I decided to say that instead of slapping your face. Think positive!

I certainly do.