Dear Madame Lestrange is The Tempest’s love, sex, and relationships advice column. Have a question? Send it to Madame Lestrange here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear Madame Lestrange,

My boyfriend and I are entering oral sex territory. I don’t know how to do it. I am looking forward to him performing on me, but I am really worried about my reciprocating.


BJ Or Naw

Dear BJ or Naw,

The first thing I want to tell you is that nobody really knows how to give head their first time, but chances are it still ends up going pretty well.

Like, how are you really supposed to know what to do with a penis that is now in your mouth, right? It’s totally weird the first few times. And sometimes people don’t ever get used to it or like it, which is fine! If you end up not enjoying it, you do not have to give your boyfriend a blowjob.

Again: if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it!

As for myself, I have to be in a specific head-giving mood. Otherwise, I’m just like, “sorry guy-whose-penis-I’ve-been-stroking-with-my-hand, your penis is not going inside my mouth.”

That has never failed me.

To the tips:

  1. Ask him what he likes. If he’s gotten head before, he’ll be aware of what does and doesn’t feel good to him! The best person to ask for advice about a sexual activity is the person you’re doing it with.
  2. This is probably a DUH piece of advice, but wait for him to get hard first. Some guys might want you to use your mouth to get them hard, and yeah that’s a thing. But it’s your first time – make sure that thing is hard before you put it in your mouth. It’ll be easier.
  3. Insert penis into the mouth. Start with kissing and licking the head (tip) of it. Try not to bite the penis. Some guys like a tiny bit of firmness, but to be safe – no teeth touching it.
  4. Your mouth is basically going to be moving up and down the shaft of the penis – use varying speeds: start a bit slow, speed up, change speed again.
  5. Use your tongue. Run your tongue from the bottom of his penis (the part that’s attached to his body) all the way up toward the end, like you’re tracing his penis with your tongue. Look at him while you do this. He’ll like it. Once you get back up to the top, stick it in your mouth and caress the tip of his penis with your tongue. Circular motions are always good!
  6. While you are licking, kissing, and sucking on the top of his penis, use a hand to massage the bottom portion, like you’re giving him a hand job. You can use your other hand to lightly caress and massage his balls, too.
  7. If you’re feeling confident enough to expand on this, take his penis a bit deeper into your mouth and make like a vacuum. Just a gentle suction. And while you’ve got that going on, move your mouth up and down his penis. The suction feeling is apparently quite nice.
  8. Repeat all of this until you’re tired or he cums. Or if you just want to stop!

If you do plan on finishing him off, make sure he lets you know before he cums. This way, if you don’t want to swallow, you can end with a hand job and clean up that way. And even if you do plan on swallowing, getting a surprise load in your mouth is not at all fun. Communication, through every step of oral sex (and every step of a relationship), is key to success.

Ask him what he thinks he’ll like and what he might want you to try. Make sure he tells you if he did or didn’t like something. And the more you do it, the better you’ll become.

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

More Dear Madame Lestrange

I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend soon. It’ll be my first time but not his and while I’m very excited, I’m also very nervous. I want to make this a pleasurable experience for us both and I have no idea what I’m doing. I gave him my first handjob too and while he did cum, I feel like I could’ve done better. Do you have any tips?

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