Humor

Here are the places we should definitely be bombing instead of Agrabah

Does Agrabah sound familiar to you? It should, since it's the fictional location from 1992's Aladdin.

Regardless of if you’re on the right or left of the political spectrum, there’s one thing we can count on: Americans don’t know their geography. When polled, 30% of GOP voters supported bombing Agrabah, while 36% of Democratic voters were against it.

This definitely exposes the mostly Islamophobic sentiment harbored by the GOP crowd, but mostly just sheds light on the abysmal education system within the United States.

Since we’re bombing fictional places now (classic wish-fulfillment, am I right?), I’d like to recommend some other places to target once we’ve destroyed Agrabah— it’s (possibly) already been demolished once before.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

I am a strong believer in the fact that the wizarding world conjured up by JK Rowling in the Harry Potter books is one populated by idiots. A quick Google search tells me that Hogwarts students are required to take classes such as Potions, Charms, Divination, Astrology, History of Magic, Transfiguration, and some sort of magic-math class called Arithmancy. Out of those, the only non-magical, straight-up academic class is History of Magic (which is why everyone except Hermione hated it).

Yet, we don’t see the students ever taking English, Science, Anatomy, Sociology, Geography, or any other world history apart from that of the Magical world. They do have a Muggle Studies course, but it’s an elective, making it the equivalent of your college’s bullshit “diversity requirement.” The wizards and witches of this world want to live in harmony with us Muggles, yet studying them is optional.

Sure, their lives are probably simpler with magic (we’ve all yelled Accio while looking for something), but Hogwarts-educated students have zero problem solving skills. Your problems are either solved with your wand, or they’re not, and that seems to be the way it is.

The Wizarding World™ of Harry Potter is filled with a bunch of bumbling fools who still enforce slavery, archaic competitions, and have absolutely no modern-day technology. Wizards have also caused actual, fatal damage to the Muggle world, but they’re so focused on themselves that they haven’t even developed some sort of international policy between us and them (apart from a brief scene in the sixth installment).

Are their woodsticks a match for our Muggle bombs? No. Good riddance. 

Who-Ville

The very beginning of the Jim Carrey live-action remake of How The Grinch Stole Christmas informs the audience that Who-Ville is located inside of a falling snowflake. The entire plot of Horton Hears a Who! revolves around the idea that also-Jim-Carrey-elephant is protecting a speck of dust that is yet another, you guessed it, tiny town of Who-Ville.

I don’t know who (ha) these Whos are, but why are they so small and who advised them to build civilization in locations that will bring imminent doom? How dare they? Who (again, ha) do they think they are?

Bomb them. Or, if you’re more into the whole morality thing, just step on them and pretend it was an accident.

Arendelle

Look, I know Frozen was this amazing tale of sisterhood and responsibility and all, but their kingdom of Arendelle is a trainwreck. Before their death, the King & Queen (Elsa and Ana’s parents) were so horrified by Elsa’s powers that they sought out help from a literal troll. Instead of teaching their daughter that with great power comes great responsibility, they tried to stifle it and hide Elsa away, which probably traumatized the hell out of both daughters. They were incompetent parents and rulers, and their shitty decisions are why the events of Frozen transpired in the first place.

Elsa, who was supposed to be coronated as new ruler of Arendelle, makes the rash decision to run away when the town discovered her secret— probably as a result of all that childhood repression and guilt. Her younger sister, Ana, is unbelievably naive, as she tries to marry a grade-A fuckboy just because they sing a song together, then shortly leaves him in charge of the entire damn kingdom as she goes out to find her sister. Because, plot, I guess. And a moral lesson. But mostly plot.

Arendelle is in the hands of awful people who think they exist in a bubble. What if they decide to declare war on us for no reason? What if their citizens try to come to our country to escape the stupid?

The kingdom is a disaster waiting to happen. Bomb it.

The Land of Oz

The Land of Oz is a segregated, artificial, and dangerous place. Munchkin Land? Seriously? Why can’t we all just live together in peace and harmony?

Each quadrant within The Land of Oz is ruled by either a Wicked Witch or a Good Witch, which sounds good on paper because hell yes, women leaders, but then turns sour when you realize that they’re all at war over a pair of shoes. The ruling class of The Land of Oz is essentially an episode of The Real Housewives. Keep it classy, witches. 

Any place that has flying monkeys, murderers who hide behind the face of Judy Garland, and a capital city that embodies capitalism definitely makes my “To Bomb” list.

Atlantis

Step 1: Find Atlantis.

Step 2: Marvel at its wonders.

Step 3: Inform everyone of your world-changing discovery.

Step 4: Bomb it, to prove you give no fucks.

Pandora

I hated this movie. I also vomited in the movie theater after I saw it because I had food poisoning. Pls bomb.