Love, Advice

How do I break the news to the guy I’m marrying that I actually don’t want kids?

I'm terrified of losing him - so what do I do?

Hello Madame,

I’ve heard so many stories about people falling in love and getting all set to marry when one thing can call off the whole wedding: the decision to have kids. I’m definitely on a “no” stance with this, but how in the world do I find someone who’s not interested in having kids to start with as opposed to developing a whole romance and having to break it off?

“Hello, my name is ______, and I don’t want to be a mother?”

Sincerely,

An Awkward Ice-Breaker

______________

Dear Awkward Ice-Breaker,

I totally agree with you that the kids thing should be discussed way before deciding to marry someone or even before getting serious with them. Actually it seems really silly at my age to start a relationship with someone and get past a couple months without having discussed children. Whether or not you want to have kids is a *huge* thing that absolutely should be talked about and no one should just assume that you’d want to just because you’re a woman (I’m sure this happens a lot).

Whether or not you want to have kids is a *huge* thing. Click To Tweet

Honestly, I don’t think you should necessarily worry about the timing of this. You will know when it is right to tell the person. Obviously, you don’t want to do it immediately upon introducing yourself. But if you start considering seriously being with someone, you should make it clear: “hey, I really like you and I want to continue talking to you and see where this goes, but you should know that I have no plans on having children in the future. If that isn’t something you can get behind, please let me know now.” Totally fair, mature, and makes sense. Will it be hard to find someone because of this? I really have no idea. But it is important to you and it makes no sense to wait til later to tell someone! If the roles were reversed, you’d expect someone to tell you early on as well.

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And here’s the thing: you can never be 100% certain that the person you’re with won’t change their mind. You can fall in love with someone and think you’re on the same page and suddenly, they feel differently about x or y. And that’s fine, because *you* know what is best for you and what you want. If you tell someone you’re not interested in kids and y’all have a legitimate conversation about it and you’re happy with the outcome, good. Go with it! You have no way of knowing if they’re going to decide a few months later that, no, they do actually want kids. I mean, you don’t really know whether you’re going to decide that either. I was really not into the idea of having kids (like, really really did not want children) until I fell in love with someone and wanted to raise kids with him. But it’s also totally likely that your stance won’t change, too. And that’s more than okay. My point is that all you can do is be honest with the person you’re seeing about what you want at the time and that’s all they can do for you, too. And the important thing to remember is that you’ll know what feels right as it’s happening. Trust yourself.

Trust yourself. Click To Tweet

Just don’t lead a person to believe you’re in it for the long haul without letting them in on what’s important to you. Because that’s a loser-move. And you clearly think so too.

 

You’re welcome,

Madame Lestrange

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