Dear Madame Lestrange,
I’m dating a great guy. He’s respectful, cute, funny, and everything else I’ve wanted. My parents are kind of pushing us to get married, but… we both live with our parents (despite being ‘older’) and don’t ever get to be intimate, alone, private. We both come from cultures that see spending time alone as inappropriate, so I can’t just have him in my bedroom – or my parents would be so mad and maybe kick me out/never speak to me again.
It’s starting to upset me because I really want to have sex and spend alone time with him especially before I decide whether I want to be with him for the rest of my life. What can I do?
Intimacy is a really important aspect of a mature, serious relationship – it’s good you know that you want to feel out your sexual chemistry before marriage. In a lot of cultures, mine included, sex before marriage is so looked down upon and barely discussed and too few women are actually able to discern what they’re looking for when it comes to intimacy. So I’m glad you’re considering this! I’m sure it’s frustrating not being able to explore the intimate aspect of your relationship with this guy, especially if you are so into him otherwise. But I actually think there are a lot of different options for you.
- Rent a nice hotel room with a big bed and an awesome TV and great view. Spend the whole day together (and night, if you can get away with it) lounging around, cuddling, and doing whatever else you want to do.
- If you’re able to claim you’re hanging out with friends or have a work-weekend, plan a weekend getaway somewhere close but away. Rent a cute little cabin in the woods or on a lake. This will give you so much alone time to get to know each other away from scrutiny. Plus, it’s romantic!
- Again, if you’re able to make up an excuse—rent an Airbnb for a night or a weekend in your hometown and just enjoy your time together.
- If finding an excuse for a whole night or weekend isn’t possible: Have sex in your car. Hook up in a park at night. Beds aren’t the only place you can have sex. And honestly, there are so many different positions you can actually work into a car sex session. Car sex is seriously underrated. Try it. The added fear of potentially being seen in a car or at a park is extra sexy and can toooootally build a better bond. Actually, I suggest this one in addition to the other options. Definitely, do this.
- Someone needs to move out…
The thing is, whether you’re with this guy or not, it seems like you’re going to want to explore sexual chemistry with someone before you get married. You will need to make this work if it’s important to you. Choose 1 option or go with a few, but make it happen for yourself. If your parents are anything like mine, talking to them isn’t going to help. But if you think it might, try it. If not, make something up to get alone time. It’ll help you gain the clarity you need before settling down and you won’t make a decision without being totally sure!
Definitely tell your parents to back off regarding the marriage pressure. They will listen to you with that. That way you can figure everything out without feeling like you *have* to settle down.
Do you have any questions for Madame Lestrange? She’ll answer your questions on love, sex, and relationships.