Humor

Hey malls, I may be plus-sized but I’m not frumpy

You'd think a country with a high obesity rate could provide clothes for an audience whose weight has rapidly increased in the past few decades.

(You would also think the “freest” country would be doing more about its treatment of women in general, but that’s neither here nor there).

1. Make something something for plus-sized women besides florals.

A large T-shirt with flowers on it. A dress with flowers on it. Blouses and dresses with (wait for it) flowers.

It’s like clothing manufacturers said, “Now, fat people can be made fun of for their physical appearance and their ugly clothing!”

Oh, and let’s not forget the poor arrangement of stripes, polka dots, or plaid. Then you had the typical clearance section blowout, with the same repetitive design (take a shot for every Eiffel Tower, butterfly pattern, or skulls). Maybe even a motivational quote, like “Never give up.” At what? Finding clothes? At your store, I will. Bye!

2. I’m not hiding hundreds of dollars in my cellulite.

Against my deepest wishes, I can’t convert my pounds to dollars.

$30 for a shirt that says “Nope”, just in XL form? I can make my own with a nice sharpie and a good amount of pent-up frustration. Some of the markups are just plain ridiculous; I’ve seen clothes priced more than half of what you charge your thinner women.

“But it’s more cloth!” Not always. (Remember how fat gathers in certain places? Ha! Human anatomy. Good times). When you’re a short fat person who visits the occasionally up-to-par petite section, you have to pay big bucks to get clothing altered, because designers automatically assume all fat people are tall.

3. The average dress size of a woman is a 12. AVERAGE. So at least attempt to make clothes other than 0-10.

You like money, right? Of course you do. Especially money that isn’t hiding in your cellulite.

You now have hundreds of stand-alone competitors seeking to eliminate the fat population from your stores. Show them who’s boss. Don’t let the fatties make you bankrupt. Cater to them. You’re sure to win that way.

And, here’s a business plan for you: cut down on manufacturing the amount of clothes that a majority of your thinner audience doesn’t wear (we see it on clearance weeks later, so don’t argue with me), and save that cloth for your plus-sized women.

4. On that note, your plus size clothes  aren’t actually plus size.

I’m not above admitting I walk into Hot Topic every so often. And every time I do, I’m appalled at what is considered to be “plus-sized.” Either that XL shirt mistook me for a washing machine and shrank right on the spot as I put it on, or that hardly any clothing designer knows what a fat woman looks like.

What if I want to be punk rock and fat?There’s something wrong with your brand if you say “We offer clothes!” and then actually don’t offer clothes to specific groups of people.

Other industries have picked up on providing inclusiveness than fashion has. Lactose-intolerant? It’s okay, your favorite coffeeshop will have a soy or almond milk alternative. Don’t eat meat? Restaurants have thousands of alternatives! Overweight? Umm, try a coffeeshop. Maybe they can give you a shirt that has soy beans on it instead of florals.

5. All plus-sized women aren’t 50 years old.

Shoutout to all of the overweight adolescents who had to walk over to the women’s section and dress up years older than they were meant to be.

American malls never realized how badly I just wanted to wear meme T-shirts like everyone other person my age. When formal events came around, and other girls were excited about their pretty dresses, I was too busy stress-crying in dressing rooms and deciding to wear sweatshirts every day because I was made to hate my body.

The fashion industry could totally meet that need, though! Ever notice how most plus-sized clothing is longer? As in, good luck not passing out in the summer because your sleeves are too lengthy and everything goes up to your neck. I firmly believe that some mall directors of the plus-size area are Victorian-era men renewed with a mission: fat women cannot show any skin.

At the end of it all, if these demands are too taxing, please consider adding tissue boxes to your dressing rooms — so that, in some way, I know you’re listening to my struggles.