Humor

Follow these 10 steps for success if you hate Muslims

Associating too much with other Muslims (who, statistically speaking, are 1 in 5 people), could endanger your life.

Christmas has come early for Islamophobes worldwide — in fact, on two sacred days on October, Islamophobes will gather to spread hate in front of mosques, and participants can “utilize their right to bear arms.” You know, just what normal people do in front of religious places of peace.

But if you’re unlucky enough that you don’t live in one of those towns, don’t worry, we have the guide for you to be a happy and hateful Islamophobe.

1. Stop hating on the 2 billion people worldwide that you haven’t met.

What better way to live life than actually believing all lives are worthy of respect, even if their views don’t align with yours?

Now, by all lives, this also means all Muslims. You can nix out the ones in ISIS, they don’t count. But let’s include in your “we all bleed red” mantra that the Muslims in Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and America all deserve not to be shot in the head.

2. Associate ALL religions with their minority terrorist groups, such as the KKK and the Westboro Baptist Church with Christianity.

It’s only fair to make the same assumptions about all world religions, not just one. After all, people like you feed on stereotypes and mindless hysteria, so visit every ill-researched article that you can to form your bigoted opinions. Keep Fox News on at all times. Find your nearest hate group, and if you don’t have the time to join them, make a courteous donation.

3. Stop using hashtags like #KillAllMuslims.

It would be a terrible thing for your boss to scan your Twitter, only to find that you’re an Islamophobic moron. There’s nothing worse than losing your job (except, perhaps, trying to go to a religious gathering only to find that there are a bunch of people protesting against your existence), so for the sake of your livelihood, it would be a great idea not to continually post hate on separate parts of the Internet.

Remember, nothing is actually private!

4. Stop trying to convert Muslims.

Hate is draining, and your time is better spent quietly seething at home. Why yell at us about how we deserve to die and that we’re all going to Hell when you can save your voice and pray for our lost souls?

If you’re irreligious, you can always take to online forums, but as noted in #3, nothing is really private, and you could be arrested.

5. Stop enjoying Zayn Malik’s music.

And every other product that comes from a celebrity, fashion designer, or human being who says they’re Muslim. Associating too much with other Muslims (who, statistically speaking, are 1 in 5 people), could endanger your life. Stop quoting Malcolm X or Muhammad Ali in your papers. If you find that you’re using a service provided by a Muslim, find another alternative, even if it’s of the lowest quality. The only source for your paper is a Muslim author?

Yikes, try another topic!

6. Stop raving about hummus and chicken shawarma.

It tastes a lot less appetizing now that you know it was made and eaten by Muslims.

Save yourself that gagging feeling by cutting back on your Muslim food consumption. Eat all the pork in the world. Stuff your face with gelatin. Boycott all Muslim-owned restaurants in favor of your McDonald’s (which could be managed by a Muslim, but you’re prepared to go to Chick-Fil-A, right?)

7. Stop using numbers, drinking coffee, using toothbrushes, or attending university.

These were all Muslim inventions that shaped the modern era. And you’re so over that, yearning for the days when humanity waged war against the Muslim world and caused one of the bloodiest events in human history. It only makes sense to boycott these things and any other future Muslim inventions to stick to your creed.

8. Stop arresting us because we’re Muslim.

Besides, due to our unjust treatment, we could get invited to go to NASA, the White House, Facebook, Twitter, or even more. Why give us those opportunities? Those need to go to good Americans like yourself. Don’t let us be greedy and take away things from you and your kids.

9. Stop supporting Islamophobic politicians.

You want to be low-key about your Islamophobia. Now that you know you could get arrested for it, or possibly alienated from the rest of people who are decent, you should hide your hate. And what better way to hide than lying? Support someone you really don’t like, like Bernie Sanders, and then no one will ever guess that you’re an awful person.

10. Don’t leave your house.

Considering that Muslims are pretty much everywhere, in every country, doing everything, it’s best to just stay safe at home. In fact, even exiting outside might make you breathe air that another Muslim inhaled. You might enter an establishment with another Muslim inside. You might meet one on the road.

So take it from us: keep your Islamophobia safe and sound in your space, not ours.