Dear Madame Lestrange,
I have been with a guy for several months, but we have not had sex. I’m a virgin and I’m worried it will hurt and that I won’t be any good at it. My boyfriend has been a gentleman and not pressured me at all. Now that I’m ready, I’m not sure how to approach him about it as it’s all new territory.
Is it something that I should talk to him about beforehand or do I just jump in?! This is my first serious relationship and I’m scared but excited to move forward physically.
I think being scared is what’s holding me back. How do I get out of my own head?!
Scared and Inexperienced
Dear Scared and Inexperienced,
Maybe it’ll make you feel a bit more comfortable just knowing that you’re not the first person who has experienced first-time anxiety! What you’re feeling is so normal, in fact, that you’re not the only person who sent me a question about this topic. What I love about you is that you seem to be taking the next step in your relationship because you are ready to. Not because your partner asked or because you feel that it’s what you should be doing… but because you want to. That is awesome. Now let me start addressing your concerns…
–Pain: Having penetrative sex for the first time might hurt! It also might not. If you’re worried about your it hurting, I suggest a good amount of foreplay to get yourself relaxed and ready. Anxiety can cause tenseness of the vagina, meaning a bit of pain. So try to loosen yourself up as much as possible through foreplay. As usual, I suggest masturbating to get yourself aware of your pleasure spots, which will then help your boyfriend find the best ways to get you ready!! If it hurts (mine did my first time!), don’t worry. Shit happens. You can stop, you can go back to foreplay – do whatever feels comfortable to you. Your first time should be all about comfort. As you continue to have sex your second, third, etc. times, the pain will dissipate.
–Skill: If your boyfriend is a gentleman, who cares if you’re good at it? Who is ever good at something for the first time anyway? And what does it even mean to be good at sex? You and your partner will find what works best for y’all over time. That is one of the most special things about sex—going on the journey with your partner to find out what each of you likes or can do. And this is something you would do with any new partner. Don’t stress about being “good” at it. Explore what you’re into and be confident in what you’re doing. Over time, you’ll get the hang of it!
–Communication: As for talking to your boyfriend, I think you should. Generally speaking, being open and honest is essential to an effective relationship. If you haven’t discussed sex at all, bring it up. Let him know you want to take the relationship to the next level, that you’re worried about this-or-that… whatever you want to tell him, tell him. Don’t be afraid to be honest with him. If he is judgmental, drop him. If he isn’t ready to have sex, wait for him to be. But I wouldn’t sneak-sex him! Let him know what’s going on in your head. You will both be thankful for that conversation in the long run.
[bctt tweet=”If he is judgmental, drop him. If he isn’t ready to have sex, wait for him to be.” username=”wearethetempest”]
–Anxiety: Honestly, I think talking to your boyfriend about it will help ease your troubles a bit. He should help make you feel open and comfortable taking this new and exciting step. Chances are he wants this to be amazing, just like you do. Work together to ensure comfort. The keys to a good first time (yes, these exist despite the countless horror stories) are comfort and confidence. If you’re happy with the decision to have sex, confident in yourself, and comfortable enough with the person you’re going to have sex with – you’re going to be fine. Don’t over-think about it. Just relax, and get it on.
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