Love, Humor

10 thoughts you’ve had while playing RISK, the game of world domination

This world (the board) and everything in it (the tiny wooden pieces) will be mine. All mine.

In college, I learned about many -isms from a few fabulous and dedicated professors. Colonialism. Imperialism. Racism. Orientalism. It all made me so angry, but also opened my eyes to the decrepit rotting wasteland of exploitation and greed that the world really is.

That said, I love me a good board game: one that involves strategy, high competition, and just a bit of luck to make your competitors absolutely furious when you roll that 6 and crush them until they throw a game piece at my face. So naturally, RISK, the game of global domination, is absolutely perfect game for my competitive side.

Here are 10 thoughts you’ll surely have when you play the game of world domination.

1. This world (the board) and everything in it (the tiny wooden pieces) will be mine. All mine.

While we set up the game board and people begin to position their pieces all over the board, you visualize little red pieces (choose red always, it’s intimidating) sprawling over the entire board as they kick off the inferior colored pieces.

2. Get your smack talk on early in the game

So those punks know the mastermind military strategist they’re dealing with.

3. Curse like a sailor when you lose one of your territories. In your mind, though – act cool around your enemies.

F***ITY F***. KAMCHATKA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GATEWAY INTO NORTH AMERICA.

4. Make allies to help you conquer the board. For now.

Remember, the enemy of your enemy is your friend. Until you have no purpose for them anymore – then you break that alliance and crush them like you crushed the others.

5. Halfway through the game, you realize that world leaders actually do this in real life.

And then your epiphany vanishes and you have another bite of spinach artichoke dip and decide you need to attack Egypt to get into Africa.

7. When you eliminate one of your enemies from the game, you evil laugh in their faces.

Sorry, little brother. Maybe next time you’ll know better than to ever attack my precious Venezuela.

7. When you lose a territory after a fight of rolling die for a good two minutes, a part of you feels void.

China fought the good fight. Don’t worry, I’ll come back for you.

8. When you’re realize you’ll probably lose, you cause as much damage as possible on your way out.

A little trick you learned from the British colonizers.

9. By 3 a.m., when the spinach artichoke dip is gone and all but one of your competitors are knocked out, you make your final move with the strength of a seven nation army.

Laugh evilly for the 12th time during this game.

10. Realize you have some deep rooted nefariousness in you and decide you should never be a world leader.

It’s probably better for everyone.