As we sat in his car that night, an intensity was in the air, unlike anything I had ever felt. I really liked him, but there was a tingling sensation that was very different from the way I felt with other guys I have liked and loved in the past.
Ali* told me he liked me and wanted to marry me, but I was very unsure of what I wanted. He could tell that I was very hesitant, and this caused an atmosphere of tension and frustration.
But the tingling was still there. And I felt like something was coming. Something I had never felt and had never done before. And then it came.
He leaned in for a hug, but as soon as he let go of me, he kissed me. It was a full, passionate kiss – and it felt really, really good.
There was something in it that made me want more. Ali leaned in again, and for the next twenty minutes, we were making out.
There was something in this that made us keep going, and going, and going. When was this going to stop? Will we ever stop? I have to pull away and get out of this car. Right now, I thought. I came up for a breath of air and pulled away from him. I got out of his car and drove straight home.
I was shaking the entire drive home.
Aside from the fact that this is something I never thought I would ever do until I got married – I was swindled by this kiss. I was angry. I was confused. I felt filled with lust. It only felt negative.
I read an article once that made me feel very angry – similar to the way I felt on that drive home. In it, the author said that sex for a man is very meaningful because it means he is opening up to another woman, and entering her is the same as entering her soul. To him, sex is a form of love. I could not believe what I was reading.
One thing I found fascinating about myself is that I never felt sexually aroused by my first love. He was someone I was in love with emotionally and mentally. It was true love, to me. But sex with him was never on my mind, and I never necessarily desired that from him. It was just love, not lust.
But for the next six months, all I wanted from Ali was sex. And that was pretty much what I got. As a guy, he was never able to resist me because I would come onto him every time I saw him. When he would want to spend quality time with me and get to know me on an emotional level, I would just want to rip his pants off.
But with my first love, it was never like that.
All I would want to do was talk to him, hear his voice, look into his eyes, and rip his heart open to allow all of him to flow into me. I wanted his heart, his mind, and his words to fill me. That is what gave me the most fulfilling and satisfying pleasure. I never desired anything else.
I was confused and unsure of what was going on with Ali. He was a great human being, with a beautiful and kind heart. But I did not want that from him. I was crazed and aroused by something else.
The article I had read tried to conflate love with sex as if they were somehow intertwined. As if sex was somehow an emotional aspect of a relationship when all it is is just a physical desire being fulfilled. I have heard this from other individuals, as well. They claim that having sex with a person you love is unlike anything you will ever feel.
Somehow, a man and a woman smashing against each other in a bedroom at night with no clothes on is a part of love. Somehow, the climactic feeling of an orgasm is love. And somehow, doing all of these things requires some kind of emotional interference to be able to do so, which also produces an emotional connection between two individuals.
We live in a world where certain actions and decisions we make affect us emotionally. I do agree that sex can do something to your mind, and it can change the way you feel about or perceive the individual you sleep with. It certainly did for me. However, it does not produce love and affection.
Scientists have discovered the reason why many individuals feel a sense of attachment and “love” after having sex. A hormone called oxytocin is produced during an orgasm, which forges those emotional feelings when in reality, those feelings are not the kind that last and unite two people.
It is true that sex does produce a connection between individuals, but it is only a sexual and physical connection.
It is very important that society learns how to separate love from lust. Feelings of frustration overwhelm me whenever I hear a mainstream rap song on the radio that spits out lyrics, which conflate the two together. It can harm people and their relationships. It is so unfortunate that some people can get hurt because they believe that if a person sleeps with them, then it means that the person loves them. However, sex is only a physiological fulfillment. It can cause pain only because it involves another human being, whom you cannot control, nor can you force to feel a certain way or to stay with you.
For the first time ever, I experienced what it is like to have someone sleep with me only to cut me off the very next day. I thought I was being loved when in reality, I was only being used.
I had become obsessed with the comforting feeling physical intimacy brought to me. It made me feel so good to have a body clinging against my own. We laid together in bed, caressing each other’s skin. It felt like a real bond was being created between us. But it was not. It was only a one-night stand. He was only using me to climax, and I was only using him to feel physical intimacy.
This confusion is a big flaw in society – and only pop culture that brainwashes us has the ability to change this.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.