Movies + TV, Pop Culture

Here’s ‘Goodfellas,’ As Told by Women

I’m not here for you, beeyotch, I’m here for the bottomless mimosas.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

A couple days ago, NY Post’s Kyle Smith published a piece that explained why women are unable to understand Goodfellas. Naturally, there was widespread outrage over such a sexist notion; the piece almost reads like satire because of how ridiculous it is, but ultimately is earnest enough to induce a rage stroke à la Jenna Maroney.

At the end of his misguided and poorly argued piece, Smith asks “What would ‘Goodfellas’ be like if it were told by women?” So I, a filmmaker who also happens to own a vagina, decided to take it upon myself to answer Smith’s question.

 

OPEN ON URTH CAFFE – BEVERLY HILLS, CA

COURTNEY, KRISTEN, BETH, and GUADALUPE sit at an outdoor table.

BETH
I’m so glad we did brunch today, girlies. I really needed this.

KRISTEN
(jokingly)
I’m not here for you, beeyotch, I’m here for the bottomless mimosas.

COURTNEY
Holla!

KRISTEN and COURTNEY clink glasses.

KRISTEN
Lupe, you haven’t even touched your food, chica.

GUADALUPE
Yeah, I’m still feeling sort of sick to the stomach after the dinner I made yesterday.

COURTNEY
(grimaces)
Was it, like, too spicy?

GUADALUPE
It was just pizza.

KRISTEN
Oh, chica, did you eat Mexican pizza?

GUADALUPE
Pizza Hut.

BETH
(abruptly)
Are you really not here for me? Just for the mimosas?

KRISTEN
Oh, girlie, I was just joking. You know I love you. Muah.
(then)
Hey, I’ve gotta use the ladies’ room.

COURTNEY
Wait, I’ll come with you.

CUT TO:

INSIDE RESTROOM – URTH CAFFE

KRISTEN
Of course I came here for the alch, screw Beth. She’s been getting on my nerves.

COURTNEY
She is SO annoying.

KRISTEN
We just gotta pretend we like her for the rest of the day. Then we won’t do brunch anymore.

COURTNEY
I think I can handle that.

KRISTEN
I wish she weren’t so soft. Major sensitivity police.

COURTNEY
It’s not her, it’s all that estrogen.

KRISTEN
She needs to get a different kind of birth control, for realsies.

 

CUT TO:

OUTSIDE URTH CAFFE

COURTNEY
We’re back, beezies.

GUADALUPE
Hey, we were just talking about you and how obnoxious and bitchy you both are!

A long beat. Then–

KRISTEN
Oh my god, Lupe, you’re so funny. So feisty.

BETH
Seriously. Hilar. We weren’t even talking about you girlies, we were just discussing which guy I should have sex with tonight.

COURTNEY
Oooh, who’s on the menu?

BETH
We’ve got the guy who looks like Kyle MacLachlan, the one who looks like Chris Pine, and the one who looks like Michael Fassben–

COURTNEY, KRISTEN, LUPE
(all at once)
Michael Fassbender.

BETH, COURTNEY, and KRISTEN look at Guadalupe incredulously.

KRISTEN
Oh my gosh, it looks like our little Virgin Guadalupe has a thing for white boys!

GUADALUPE
What makes you say that?

KRISTEN
Obv because you’re Mexican, but you picked a white boy! God, your babies are gonna be like, so effing hot. Mixed babies are gorg.

COURTNEY
And white guys love the fiery Latinas, it’s not fair. You’re gonna steal them all from us, just you stole our jobs.
(then)
Just kidding, chica! You know I heart you.

GUADALUPE
What do you mean, “fiery Latinas?”  Am I just a token to you? Huh? Am I just here to be your little token in the white girl club?

GUADALUPE is furious. Then after a moment, she laughs maniacally.

GUADALUPE
You’re so scared! Oh my god, I had you!

Slowly, the rest of the girls join in her laughter.

KRISTEN
Oh, you guys. I love us. I love how we bust one another’s figurative balls.

COURTNEY
Me too. I don’t think a man would be able to understand our little brunches.

GUADALUPE
Maybe we should considering bringing on a male friend so men find our group relevant. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

ALL FOUR
(at once)
GBF!

CUT TO BLACK.

 

Shayan Farooq

Shayan Farooq

Shayan was creating mini documentaries profiling Pacific Asian artists for the USC Pacific Asia Museum of Pasadena. You can follow her on Twitter, but not in real life.

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