There is so much crap online these days that it’s hard to differentiate what’s worth my time and what isn’t. Fortunately, my brain has evolved to understand what it needs to filter out. Here are the times my brain just says “NOPE, NOT TODAY” and I stop reading the internet and contemplate going outside to read but ultimately switch to Netflix instead:
1. Any recipe that requires egg whites
2. “James Franco”
3. Anything with the word “terrorism” in it (unless I’m on dictionary.com and it’s giving me an actual meaning of the definition of a terrorist that I can apply objectively)
4. “What men really think about ________________”
5. Any videos that show me how to separate the yolk from egg whites (COME ON, GUYS.)
6. “The perfect beach/summer/apocalypse body”
7. “Lifehacks.” There was a time when we laughed at insufferable people who used floss to cut cakes and cheeses. LET US GO BACK TO THAT TIME.
8. Any article longer than 5 paragraphs. This is the internet, dammit. I could go anywhere else I want in virtual cyberspace in a matter of seconds. Speed it up.
9. Any article shorter than 6 sentences. And you call yourself a journalist?
10. Ads telling me where egg whites are for sale.
11. Any article on hijab. Seriously, there was an excellent article talking about why we need to stop talking about hijab and I didn’t even click on it.
12. Anything that claims I will be “in shock” or “brought to tears” or “re-evaluate my life choices.” Obviously you don’t know how cold-hearted I can be, Internet.
13. Anything about being a 90’s kid. It’s extremely unsettling to watch GIF sets in a listicle filled with your favorite music videos and cartoons, looping over and over again, haunting you over and over again…
14. Articles that seem to have a personal vendetta against me and my choices:
“Study reveals 50% of marriages between young, hopeful couples end in divorce”
“The American job market is at its worst for recent college graduates”
“Top ten worst degrees to hold (Hint: English BA is number one!)”
“Why women named Jasmine Riad are 75% more likely to fail and never get back up again”
Seriously, though. I swear I saw that last article somewhere.