Gender & Identity, Humor, Life

12 things people with periods do while bleeding

WARNING: Sarcasm ahead.

Getting your period is a major downer. It’s like life’s stop sign, rendering you incapacitated. You have to stop everything–school, work, relationships–and just deal with being a person with a period who has to go sleep in the woods for five days until you’re a functional member of society again. Ugh, bummer!

1. Sleep is your best friend.

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We make sure to get lots and lots and lots of sleep. Some women sleep anywhere between 3 to 8 hours in a single night.

2. Cravings get the best of us.

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We’ll frequent our neighborhood supermarket to stock up on all the snacks we can to make it through these agonizing times.

Also, we need to make our weekly supermarket visit to buy staples like milk, bread and produce for the household to prepare a healthy and hearty dinner for the family.

3. Retail therapy has no limit!!!

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Repeat after me: RETAIL THERAPY. YASS! The mall is the BEST place to blow off all our frustrations with this horrible thing that’s happened to us.

Also, Mom’s birthday is this weekend so we should probably pick something up for her. Oh yeah, and the cousin’s graduation party.

While we’re here, why don’t we also just return the husband’s dress shirts that run a bit large?

4. Midnight cravings? Ice cream. Mid-day cravings? Ice cream.

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Ice cream just hits the spot during this time of the month. So sweet! So sugary! So much chocolate! So many walnuts!

I mean, it could also be because there are 25 grams of sugar in each half scoop and that will always be good until the end of days.

5. Moods. So many moods.

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Brother didn’t wash the dishes as he promised and now you have to do it before mom comes home?

A best friend keeps meddling in your private life?

Significant other cancels plans on you last minute?

Go full throttle on them because even though you have a legitimate reason to be angry you’re on your period and that’s all your anger will be attributed to anyway.

6. Crying all the damn time.

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Put on a sad movie (ex: Hotel Rwanda, Sophie’s Choice) or heartwarming movie (Steel Magnolias, Up) while a girl’s on her period and we’re just sprinklers!

Man, the span of human emotion is really fully realized when you’re on your period.

7. Work. You know, that 9 to 5 thing.

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Unfortunately, we still have to go to work during this difficult time.

So, we begrudgingly go to work when we really just want to stay in bed all day because this job hardly pays and we don’t get benefits and the boss is a sexist idiot. And oh yeah we have cramps or whatever.

8. Laying in bed all day.

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Wasn’t that a good solid ten minutes we got to lay in bed before we had to get ready for work, school, and/or taking care of the kids? So relaxing!

9. Long, hot showers.

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Like the ones we take every day to relax. Remember those ones???

10. Study for and ace those pesky finals.

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Because it’s finals week and no time of the month is going to change that.

11. Gilmore Girls Marathon. Need we say more?

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Only Lorelai and Rory Gilmore can comfort you during this horrible time.

Binging Gilmore Girls is part of every girl’s period routine (only after we’ve gone to work, studied for classes, made dinner, and now it’s 11 PM and we can watch a solid 25 minutes of the episode we’ve been watching for the last two days before knocking out and doing it all again tomorrow).

12.  Going through a full-blown body analysis session.

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Ugh, periods can make us feel so unattractive.

That’s when we stare at the mirror and poke at our bloated bellies and the acne on our faces. ECKH! Being on your period really makes you spend hours in front of the mirror dissecting your imperfections.

God, girls just can’t wait to be off their period so they won’t have body image issues anymore.

If you actually thought things changed when we’re on our periods, think again, fool.